High maintenance mum...help!

[Arabica]

Recently my mum spent 5 weeks in hospital with renal failure. She's now on dialysis 3 times a week, but is generally well.
Mum very quickly became institutionalised in hospital. When they said it was time for her to leave she kicked up an enormous stink and refused to go home, saying she wasn't ready to cope with her stairs and wasn't able to look after her self as she felt 'too wobbly' and couldn't walk around without a zimmer frame.

The hospital arranged a thorough review by the OT and physio who both pronounced her fit enough to go home as she had climbed 20 stairs up and down, etc, whilst the physio watched. Eventually she agreed that it might be nice to go home and arranged for a carer to visit and stay overnight to help her settle.

After 5 weeks (and counting) the carer is still there! She is working from 7pm to 7am and being paid a little over £6 per hour (around £720 pw!!). So far as I understand it her duties seem to be being awake when mum has an attack of the melancholies at 6am , and making the occasional sarnie.Her local authority are providing meals on wheels. I don't know mum's financial position in detail but having spoken to her financial adviserI know she can only afford to pay out the carer's salary for another few weeks.

Who can I speak to about helping mum to wean herself off the carer before she blows all her savings on this person? At the moment you'd think I was trying to wean her off smack.

It sounds like your mum does need someone actually. Not for mobility or medical reasons. But she sounds anxious to be alone. Can you try to ease her back into her routines with friends and activities? To help her feel more relaxed and comfortable without continual support.

I assume you are not living close enough to keep her company sometimes and help her towards independence.

Does she want to go into a home? because if she wants the security of staff there always, a home could really suit her.

Good thought Colditz. Or perhaps sheltered housing with access to group activities and resources and security but her own apartment.

Thanks for your thoughts. I think if she carries on like this then sheltered accommodation or a home is the answer.

Yes, she does need someone there to provide company. Sadly, we don't have a spare room and live over an hour's journey away. Her place is unsuitable for small children because it's a tip, so staying over is impossible. She won't let me help her sort things out though.

What she needs to do is let us help her have a huge clear-out, redecorate and tidy-up so that someone who needs London accommodation could be persuaded to stay and provide some companionship in exchange for a rent-free room--I've just heard about a charity that vets suitable people to provide just such a service.

However, she is burying her head in the sand and doing the easy thing instead. It's as if she thinks she won't be around for much longer so she might as well blow it now. She won't admit to this, of course.

She's always been a very hands-off mum and even more hands-off grandmother (has held DD only when DD has been plonked on her lap a few times, looked after DS twice for a total of 30 mins) but another solution could be to sell our flat and her house and buy something big enough for all of us. But if she carried on throwing her cash away, she's going to scupper all those options.

I have had renal failure and been on dialysis twice and luckily had transplants.I cannot tell you how awful and acry it is and I am not surprised she wants a carer and when I was last on it we sold our house so that dp could give up work and look after me that is how much i couldn't cope and I was mid thirties.

Sorry to hear about your renal failure noddyholder. When she was in hospital we met patients with a spectrum of responses to renal failure/dialysis, some who were able to carry on their old lives, as in go to work (part-time), have social lives; and some who were too ill to do much at all.

Mum's renal failure was caused by something called Goodpasture's syndrome which can also cause very debilitating lung problems but luckily her lungs are unaffected.

I think in mum's case her need is definitely psychological rather than physical, but of course, that isn't being catered for by anyone providing such services.

I needed to know someone was there too It is a very strange thing being kept alive by a machine and sometimes is hard to adjust to.I really hope she gets the help she needs.It does depend on what kind of renal failure you have how well you respond to dialysis.I couldn't do anything tbh but the psychological issues were the hardest.i really feel for you all How old is she?Is a transplant a possibility as I saw an older lady on local news this week whose partner donated and one week later she was up and about and doing brilliant

They haven't talked about transplants; think they want to wait and see what happens as Goodpasture's syndrome patients can sometimes regain full kidney function--she is 76.