Am I being gaslit or unreasonable

[Mintyfreshcake]

So going round in circles with this and need advice. DP & I both owned property. I sold and moved in and paid off mortgage with understanding that we wouldn't be there long and would buy jointly. 5 years later this is still the situation. I bitterly regret losing my home and financial security. I am not on deeds, asked fobbed off. DP dragged feet on selling and waiting over 3 years to put on market but house now on for 2 years and not sold. Feel living in limbo and no point doing anything to house as not mine and we're moving although we now can't sell. DP can't understand why I'm so unhappy with situation and says house is ours. But legally it's not! Says we're going to sell and buy together but I had to threaten to leave before he put on market and so angry he didn't do as agreed and now market it so slow. Not sure what to do he says I'm breaking up family by wanting to buy my own property again but I just can't live like this with no security or home of my own.

Get tot that solicitor and get it signed to protect your money or you can kiss goodbye to it.

Sorry, have you sold your property and paid off his mortgage?
When dh and I had our own properties I sold mine on the understanding that he’d put my name on the deeds and I’d pay my profit into the house.

Do you have children?

He saw you coming 😮

You sold your home and used your money to pay off his mortgage and the property is still in his sole name?

Oh dear me, that's not good, is it? You are most definitely not being unreasonable in wanting something legal put in place here. Did you consult a solicitor about this at all?

Have DD hence moving in. He has returned money a few months ago after i'd had enough and knew he'd had inheritance so could afford to but now making me feel bad about buying own place although situation remains he own house outright and I've no security. As have money back can get back on ladder but obviously not at prices i first brought at. He still says the plan is to buy together but I've lost all trust in him.

Stop being so stupid.

Go and talk to a solicitor.

Did he give you interest on the money? He should have. At least by inflation.

Be very glad you have your money back. Buy your own house, move in and ditch this waste of space that can't keep his promises. You deserve more than he is willing to give.

She has not had her money back yet, let’s hope she does.

OP says she'd had her money back.

He either agrees to marry you or you leave. That would be the options I would give him. I assume he is your DDs father?

No, I just took opportunity to get money back whilst I had chance and before things turned nasty. He just can't see that I'm worse off by moving in with him and that I've home from homeowner to lodger. Mentally feels like I'm back to square one, saving to get on housing ladder rather than moving forward and building a life together. At this point even if his house sold not sure I trust him enough to sink everything I have into joint property with him. Never thought he would treat me like this and then act like he's done nothing wrong

He might not need to sell current place for you to buy together. He could remortgage it, buy a new place together and rent current place out until the market picks up. Though given his behaviour I think you're better off buying your own place. If you do buy with him make sure you ring-fence your money and define who owns what percentage very clearly. Make sure you see a lawyer to do this. The fact he returned the money rather than put you on the deeds says it.all really. He's mortgage free if he wanted to own a property jointly with you he already would.

He is DD father. I work p/t and pay percentage off bills. Another big row tonight about it. It's your house, I haven't added you to deeds as may affect selling, don't break up family but can't see that situation isn't fair to me.

Why would adding you to the deeds affect selling?

You need to get back to FT work and get your own place.

Stop fantasizing that he gives a shit about your security because after five years it is apparent that he doesn't.

Expensive lessons but don't hang around longer waiting for a miracle.

Sorry. 💐

Leave him and get your own place. This is not a partnership.

OP of course he knows. He is acting bemused because that means that you waste time trying to explain it to him instead of grabbing your money and running.
He is plainly talking bollocks, to bamboozle you, why would putting you on the deeds affect selling the house? Protect your interests, the same way he is protecting his. Haven't you wondered why his confusion is always to his financial advantage and never to yours?

Ignoring all the other stuff for a moment, if it's not selling it's probably down to price. Get him to lower the price & then it will sell.

In the meantime put your savings somewhee safe & tax efficient like a Cash ISA and Premium Bonds. Then think about your relationship.

He has Future Faked you. He knocked you off of the housing ladder with a fake promise, and getting back on will now be nearly impossible because a) you work part time and b) houses have gone up in price. This is unforgivable. Where is the cash from your house sale?

Thanks for all your replies. You confirm what I thought. I maintain if he sold first, I would never have done this to him but in reality he would never have been so stupid. Sleep walked right into it! More than happy to work F/T buy home and support myself, done it before. Hard lesson to learn

And there she is!
Of course you didn't want to accept that the man who loves you will also happily see you lose out financially. But now that you've found your survival instinct, you can do this. You are stronger than you realise OP xx

All I had to read was the bit where you said it turned nasty when you got your money back to know that this isn't a good relationship. In contrast my dh is as concerned about my future financial security as he is his own. I know its a different situation, but by ensuring your fiancial security your dp would also have been ensuring your dd's. What if he had died and you'd had no claim to the money you had put into his house. Buy another property as soon as you can, even if you don't live in it yourself, as least you are future proofed.