risk of abduction

[redpyjamas]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here goes anyway:

I am a single mum. I had to escape from my abusive husband when they were small. Thankfully, the children don't remember the abuse as they were too young when I left. He was violent and also psychologically and emotionally and verbally (and you name it) abusive.

Leaving him was the best thing I could have done for all of our sakes.

Thankfully, I have not seen him for years. He now lives in Africa (where he's originally from, although he does have British citizenship as well, as he was married to me).

He has seen the children twice in the last 5 years, both times in a contact centre and they were escorted by some good friends. He is supposed to be seeing them this summer again, but I don't hold my breath as he had arranged for a visit earlier this year and cancelled at the last minute. The first time, he arrived an hour late, and the second time he left half an hour early. Also, when he lived with us, he barely bothered with his children at all. He was so unbelievably selfish and self-centred. When he got a week off work after the birth of our dd2, he spent 99% of the time out of the house and with his friends, not with us at all. Despite all this, I know that he considers himself to be a good dad. He is deluded on many levels.

I'm just trying to paint a picture of his character. I know that many of your know just the type.

The children really enjoy seeing him at the contact centre. He's really fun with them there and loads them with presents.

But the thing is - he is now banging on about taking the children out for the day (i.e. not seeing them in the contact centre). This is such a scary thought for many many reasons. I don't trust him not to become abusive to them, or to his new wife in front of them. I don't trust him to drive safely (when he is in a rage, he thumps the steering wheel and yells and speeds, and there was a time he was driving on the moterway with one hand round my neck in the passenger seat).

But most importantly, I don't trust him not to abduct the children. Not that I think he could be bothered with them, but he has the notion that they 'belong' to him. He hates not being in control. He has specifically threatened to take them from me (in his rages, 5 years ago). If this happened, I don't know how I would ever find them again, as he lives in a country that is not bound by certain agreements with Britain.

So, I have various questions that I hope someone can answer:

1. Any idea how likely he is to ever get them unsupervised, based on his history and the fact that he doesn't live in this country (he is very very convincing and sweet when he likes)?

2. I want to try to think of ways to prepare (subtely) the children for the eventuality that he does try to take them out of the country. I am floundering because I don't want to scare them unnecesarily (sp), or say something that they may repeat to him. I just want to wise them up to the fact that some adults are not what they seem. That they can enjoy his company, but must absolutely NOT trust him, that they don't have to obey him if he is asking something that they know is not right etc. etc. I want to give them tactics (e.g. pretend to go along with him, but then go into the loos at the airport and get someone to fetch help or something). Do you know what I'm on about? I just want to do a course of 'stranger danger', but relating to someone who is not a stranger. Are there any childrens books or films that might help to make the point? I'm scared because he can be SOOO convincing, and I really really want them not to be taken in! Not to believe that he's ok, or if he says he's changed or whatever. Goodness knows what he would say or do to gain their trust, and then lead them away.

By the way, they are 5 and 7.

Sorry for waffling. I hope someone has some good suggestions. Thanks in advance.

who arranaged for them to see their dad at the contact centre? Is it supported or supervised?

It was arranged by me (via solicitor) at his request. It is supervised, both by the staff (to an extent) and by the friends that took them.
I only agreed to it because I was scared that if I didn't he would take me to court about it. Also, I thought that if there is a way of the children knowing who he is in a safe environment, that would be a good thing.

If it has been agreed to be supervised then I highly doubt the contact centre staff would allow them to leave without prior agreement in wriyting from legal team. I hope that helps a little.
I used to work at a contact centre in Herts, but hoping they all run the same. If your worried, contact the staff at the centre and talk to them, Im sure they will set your mind at ease
Lisa

It's not the contact centre that I'm worried about though. It is that he wants to take them out for the day (so he says). He is specifically requesting to see them away from the contact centre. That's what he's going to take me to court over. Sorry for misunderstanding.

You need to ask you solicitor to file for a specific issue order with the courts, this means that there will be a court order preventing your ex from doing one thing, in your case, stopping your ex removing your children from your local area. You should notify the passport ageny of this aswell. You should be able to specify where he sees your children, the courts will agree with you if it is what is in your childrens best interest. They courts will look at the whole picture, but only that of the children. If he hardly sees them this will go in your favour.

i'm not an expert by any means but wouldn't he need their passports? i know children get smuggled out of countries all the time without passports, but it might be something to mention to your dc without scaring them. "Oh, if daddy shows you a passport you're to phone me immediately." Or something...

could you look into getting a prohibitve steps order, that would legally prevent him from removign your children from the country. Or if it came to that the police could stop him as you have the papers showing that he is not allowed to remove them.

Cant you just say no to letting him go out with the them? The agreement was to see the children at the centre.

Thanks for all the replies. Lisa123, I would love to be able to say no. I will fight this in court, believe me. But I am just scared that a judge would not see the risk as I see it, and be taken in by his facade. I'm just trying to prepare for the worst case scenario!

for your peace of mind you could make a court application and ask him to make an undertaking to the court within that application, which basically means a promise to the court, that he won't attempt to remove the children.

If he's genuine he won't mind making this promise and if he breaks it, the courts take it as seriously as if he'd breached an order.

Of course, this isn't much help if he has actually disappeared, but you could back it up with practical steps; keep their passports, make sure you inform the Passport Agency that NO other passports must be issued. He could also agree to pay a sum of money into a bank account which he would forfeit if he takes the chidren away. Don't know how practical that is if he says he doesn't have much money, but its a thought.

Only other practical thing is to build it up slowly, not a whole day out of the contact centre to begin with but just a few hours. If he's not back on time, phone police, port alerts etc.

I'm not sure what you could tell the children without frightening or confusing them but maybe the older one could have a mobile and you could phone it every now and then to check all is ok?

Best of luck.