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Original poster

What would you do to help?

41 replies

KadieK · 23/07/2024 23:44

DH mum has told us she has no money left.
She had used all her savings on paying for her lifestyle and rent and has nothing left.
She does work but will not be left with much after her rent and bills are paid off.
It doesn't look sustainable for her to be able to stay in her flat.
We don't particularly want to help with paying rent as it doesn't solve anything. We are worried she will rack up more debt to try and look like she can afford things. She isnt entitled to any help with rent payments either.
Our house isn't big enough for her to move in.

Obviously it's her own fault for spending all her money but she's still family and the end of the day

OP posts:

leeverarch · 28/07/2024 13:08

Well one thing she can do is go through her possessions and sell stuff. She must have lots of things she could do without - after all, she has splurged the money from a house sale. What did she spend it all on?

ASmallCat · 28/07/2024 13:31

Being financially inept is cause for budgeting classes not handouts.

Or you’ll find all handouts spent & her with a surprised pikachu face that it’s all gone (again)

If she was being careful as fuck & circumstances beyond her control put her in penury then I’d be helping out with food/bills.

Until she herself tackles being ‘rubbish with money’ nothing will change.

AKAanothername · 28/07/2024 13:39

It would be worth putting her name down for council/housing association housing. A lot of local authorities have properties that are specifically for over 55s.

Miyagi99 · 28/07/2024 13:52

She can definitely survive on this if she doesn’t have debts to pay off too. I was earning the same with same rent for about 6 years while I was building up my career. Managing within her means is her responsibility. There is help available for debt management though if that is the issue.

caringcarer · 28/07/2024 13:58

She can't be working full time because the minimum wage at 40 hours is far more. If she's part time suggest to her she needs to up her hours.

beanii · 28/07/2024 15:53

I'm sorry but it's a case of living within your means here.

If this was a 25/30 year old, that's exactly what you'd be saying to them - and it's what you need to say here too.

It's not up to you to house her or bail her out because she wants a more lavish lifestyle than she can afford.

Xsxjxmx · 28/07/2024 21:06

Personally, don't do anything
She isn't incapable of budgeting and spending wisely due to disability or medical needs, she irresponsible and at 63 absolutely nothing you can do will change that I wouldn't think. Offer her over for tea once a week and tell her you never expect gifts on any occasions. But other than that, leave her to it.
She's a fully grown woman, she needs to pay her bills and live with what she has left. She can up her work hours if fit enough to do so and you an sign post her to places like step change that help with budgets. But unless you won't to subsidea her income you can't do anything else

Findinganewme · 28/07/2024 22:06

What does your husband say? Does she have other children, apart from your husband? This may help…

it would break my heart to know that my mum is struggling, at that age.

I would offer to do some food shops, help with extras that fall out of her regular budget (eg appliance repairs, travel etc) and help her with some budgeting and finance skills. I would pay particular attention to her heating and electricity requirements, during the colder months.

mouseyowl · 28/07/2024 22:37

I agree with pp that the most helpful
support you can offer is moral/emotional support.
She needs to address why she spent her lump sum equity from the divorce.
Did she think 'sod it I'm gonna have some fun now' or is she unaware how to budget. Or does she have problems with impulse control/emotional spender.

It's sort of good you don't have room for her. Becoming a lodger would reduce her bills, but not a nice way to live at her age.
Taking in a lodger would be more palatable, and offers more flexibly.
She may not be able to work full time or she might feel she doesn't want to, but that means being more careful with money.

I agree she should go on a money management course, go through all her direct debits etc etc.

Funnily the same situation happened to me when I was married. My MIL was adamant she was living in poverty and heading to the workhouse for the poor and wanted my exh to give her a monthly allowance. She owned her own little but nice house outright and was in her early 60s.
I gently suggested to my ex that he first went through her income & outgoings. Turns out she had more disposable income than we did! She just thought she deserved the high life I think (she was divorced and she definitely had a more glamorous life when she was younger).

ladydeedy · 29/07/2024 19:53

She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself. She could have another 30 years ahead of her so needs to start now.

As others have said, signposting her and helping her budget would be the best thing you could do for her. Get her to sign up to Moneysavingexpert. Help her initially sort out better deals if anything is really glaringly awful but she needs to start doing stuff herself.

Help her look at ALL outgoings and she needs to decide what she can do without, or reduce the spend on.

Do NOT give her money. She needs to learn she is responsible for herself and live according to her means. It is not too late!

ladydeedy · 29/07/2024 19:53

She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself. She could have another 30 years ahead of her so needs to start now.

Help her look at ALL outgoings and she needs to decide what she can do without, or reduce the spend on.

Do NOT give her money. She needs to learn she is responsible for herself and live according to her means. It is not too late!

Radioshark · 30/07/2024 11:11

I would do nothing. She needs to sort her own life out. If she goes bankrupt too bad.

Andthereitis · 30/07/2024 19:49

She needs debt advice and reality.

Don't lend or give her money or make suggestions. Let professional people do that.

Unless you piss gold don't ever lend money. Especially not yo family.

decionsdecisions62 · 30/07/2024 20:08

63 isn't retirement age so she needs to work more. What has she been doing with her money?

JamMonster · 01/08/2024 13:12

Do you know why she has told you? Maybe DH could ask how she would like you to help while gently making it clear you can’t help financially (other than pacts about no presents maybe? - perhaps she’s just worried about an upcoming birthday and the expectation).

I agree I’d be worried in your situation but equally I’m not sure how involved you should get, because if she likes spending but you try and help her budget,
it could just damage your relationship without fixing anything else. I think I’d be encouraging using a third party to help her manage her money (if she wants help!).

radio4everyday · 01/08/2024 13:15

She needs to work til state pension age ir longer and claim what she can, then live according to her means. Don't bail her out.

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