Universal Credit, scared of working 30 hours

[helpmethankyou]

Please don't flame me for this post because i'm scared enough anyway.

My child will be 3 in January and i have been on universal credit in the Lcwra group. I was homeless and in an abusive relationship which led to the baby's Father being removed from the home. It also lead to me losing two jobs due to having memory blackouts at work (which itself is distressing)

Subsequently i suffered PTSD and OCD which was diagnosed and i had some help for. I also have quite a severe ED. with my sky high rent and no help from the baby's Father believe me i am not taking money in.

I am now finding myself at a terrifying cross roads and tormenting myself about being a failure. I have a degree, I had a good job but my life fell apart after a complete nervous breakdown.

I'm in my 40s. I have adult children. I used to have a good job. My young child is my work. I will never have a relationship again after having my bones and heart broken

Every day i look at my journal. Because of my mental health issues my default thought when i think of being made to work 30 hours and cope with that is simply to kill myself. Which is ridiculous. I loved working, i loved people.

I'm so embarrassed that i don't work. I'm embarrassed to speak to people in case they ask what i do for work

I am having night terrors and not eating at all and i have another 6 months of this terror. I don't have family other than my children who have their own lives and homes and i'm embarrassed for them too.

What are your outbursts, when you are awake? Is there some way they could be managed?

my outburst are probably more normal than i think. For example screaming at Nursery staff when there's been an injustice. Or screaming at a shop worker when she said santa wouldn't come to my child if she didn't stop crying.

it's not so much the outburst but the aftermath where i'm completely mortified and harm myself.

We all get upset at times but you sound maybe a little sensitive to a bad situation which leads to an over reaction. I think we have all been there at times, don’t worry. I guess it takes practice to not be so reactive - for your own good. I know people like medication nowadays and counselling but the person who can help is ourselves. Finding a way that works. Maybe before you head out, tell yourself to keep calm, I used a chant in my mind when I had a bad health condition that ‘I can do this, I am doing this’. It works. Thinking positive, takes practice and sounds simple but it really can make a difference. It’s sort of harder than you think, but you can train your brain. ‘Keep calm, stay calm’ you’ve got this. And breath…practice breathing - it’s calming. Have a google for some exercises.

thank you xx

It’s very frustrating when you have been mentally well and had a break down of some sorts and want to go back to how you were but you can and will get better. You want to - which is half the battle. Use that motivation to make baby steps to where you want to be. You will get there, be patient and kind to yourself.

You screamed at a shop worker and at nursery staff? You were lucky not to be arrested! Where I worked we'd have called the police if a parent was genuinely screaming at us and the child would certainly lose their place. The fact they didn't shows that they can see you are ill.

There is no way anyone is going to categorise you as fit for work but will probably want to see you engaging in therapy and generally working towards your recovery, that's all. Which you would likely be doing anyway for your daughters sake as these outbursts must be terrifying for her to witness.

I can't see that they will try to force you into work at this stage in your recovery, you really aren't well enough and that's clear even to me reading your post. Try not to worry and communicate with your coach/reviewing person.

Just adding on as I'm worried that sounded harsh. I sometimes struggle to express what I mean without sounding abrupt. I was more trying to make the point that it seems clear to the people around you that you are unwell and the interviewer will see that too.

I doubt you will be pressured to do anything that isn't going to help you and that you wouldn't be doing anyway for your own and your daughters wellbeing.

Could you manage to ask CAB to help you complete the PIP forms. They are very experienced in this. You could get a GP letter confirming your ill health to send to PIP for your evidence plus any medication you take. It would help you to have a bit more money to pay for things to be done for you when you can't cope. It would probably be good for your DC to go to nursery.

Just to add I don't think your DC turning 3 should trigger a review. That is only for people not in LCW group.

Balloon, it sounded hatch bit only as harsh as I am on myself as i described. The nursery staff asking me in the next time we were there and we cleared it up so yes i'm sure they thought i was a lunatic. I'm not crazy - just find it impossible to regulate my emotions after living in a horror story.

I am asking for all the help i can. But the problem is it trickles off, i've done it all, the freedom programme, CBT, everything.

i also sometimes wonder if people around me are looking at me thinking i'm unwell because i can't step back from it...and then i think no it's just paranoia.

If i was insane there would be intervention. im a devoted mum, really i am, Never at any point were SS concerned in that sense. Or my child's grandparents. they probably just pity me.

i have screamed at them too.