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Original poster

Debt shame consuming me

13 replies

becca2203 · 04/07/2024 05:46

Please no judgement!

On Monday, after an absolutely horrific day of lies and panic attacks, I admitted to my husband that I have got a significantly higher amount of debt than what I had been telling him on credit cards.

I told my family and they were supportive and felt sad that I hadn't been able to share this with anyone the last year and had been holding it myself. I thought I'd have a sense of relief which I absolutely do, because now I'm getting help and have a proper realistic plan to get out of the mess which my husband is helping me with. He's still hurting and I've caused him so much mistrust in our relationship all because I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone what was happening.

I have been put onto sertraline again which I came off at the start of thr year when I was in my "I got this" phase. And I have an appointment with staff psychology next week through work to help me work through why I had the behaviours I did during this last year because this is not me. But I can't sleep, I can't eat. I go to sleep ok and then wake several times with horrible dreams of me in different scenarios holding this secret or I just feel the shame through the dream if that makes sense.

I feel worse now than I did when nobody knew. I wish I had never done it, I don't know how I have done this to my perfect family. I have a 3 year old daughter and I want her to have the mummy I was before this all started to consume me!

Advice and support from anyone who has been in similar situation 🙏. I know it will take time and I know I've done wrong.

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 04/07/2024 05:52

Well done for finally talking to people about this OP - don't be too hard on yourself - it happens. And there's no such thing as 'perfect' in terms of family or anything else, so try not to feel as if you've ruined anything.
No advice except the obvious - organisations that can help with debt such as Citizens Advice, Step Change. Support from your family, and - as you already are - trying to address anything you think might have led you to certain behaviours.
You say you feel worse than you did when nobody knew, but it sounds like a good thing that you're confronting this head on.
All the best.

lifesrichpageant · 04/07/2024 05:58

Congratulations for addressing this and facing it head-on, not an easy thing to do.

Original poster
becca2203 · 04/07/2024 06:02

lifesrichpageant · 04/07/2024 05:58

Congratulations for addressing this and facing it head-on, not an easy thing to do.

Thank you. It feels surreal to be honest.

OP posts:
bergamotorange · 04/07/2024 06:03

It takes a lot of courage to face reality.

Have you talked to a debt charity or debt support group? The shame is very common.

You feel worse in the short teem because you've admitted it, but that is the only route through to feeling better long term. The panic is here because you're not hiding it.

A useful mental trick can be to think about what you'd say to a friend in your situation and then to write that down and read it aloud to yourself in the times of panic - something like 'You've done the right thing in being honest, because now you're on the path to making things better for you and your family'.

Brew Flowers

Original poster
becca2203 · 04/07/2024 06:04

hopscotcher · 04/07/2024 05:52

Well done for finally talking to people about this OP - don't be too hard on yourself - it happens. And there's no such thing as 'perfect' in terms of family or anything else, so try not to feel as if you've ruined anything.
No advice except the obvious - organisations that can help with debt such as Citizens Advice, Step Change. Support from your family, and - as you already are - trying to address anything you think might have led you to certain behaviours.
You say you feel worse than you did when nobody knew, but it sounds like a good thing that you're confronting this head on.
All the best.

Thank you. I tried to get in touch with stepchange but the thing kept kicking me out their system so need to phone them. I feel better about the financial side but it's the person behind it all - me, I don't feel good about at all.

OP posts:
CanelliniBeans · 04/07/2024 06:04

You have done well and it's hard. You will get through this and look back on it from a totally different point in your life and realise it was a blip.
Life is a lesson and experiences like this mean we're wiser in the future.

grafittiartist · 04/07/2024 06:06

Well done for telling them.
I have had a few tricky situations this year- and a friend said to me "best of time and worst of times"- meaning that all things shall pass.
It feels awful at the moment- but it won't feel like this forever.
That really helped me for some reason!

grafittiartist · 04/07/2024 06:07

Also- the debt free section on Martin Lewis's site is really helpful.
Lots of luck!

Original poster
becca2203 · 04/07/2024 07:41

grafittiartist · 04/07/2024 06:06

Well done for telling them.
I have had a few tricky situations this year- and a friend said to me "best of time and worst of times"- meaning that all things shall pass.
It feels awful at the moment- but it won't feel like this forever.
That really helped me for some reason!

Thank you. That is good advice. And I try to keep reminding myself and then the negative feelings come back and flood me again of what I've done.

OP posts:
Original poster
becca2203 · 04/07/2024 07:42

bergamotorange · 04/07/2024 06:03

It takes a lot of courage to face reality.

Have you talked to a debt charity or debt support group? The shame is very common.

You feel worse in the short teem because you've admitted it, but that is the only route through to feeling better long term. The panic is here because you're not hiding it.

A useful mental trick can be to think about what you'd say to a friend in your situation and then to write that down and read it aloud to yourself in the times of panic - something like 'You've done the right thing in being honest, because now you're on the path to making things better for you and your family'.

Brew Flowers

Not yet, I do need to though. To be round others who have been in same position. It definitely feels like I'm alone in the world with it. Thank you, I will try that too 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
becca2203 · 04/07/2024 07:46

CanelliniBeans · 04/07/2024 06:04

You have done well and it's hard. You will get through this and look back on it from a totally different point in your life and realise it was a blip.
Life is a lesson and experiences like this mean we're wiser in the future.

Thank you. I definitely feel like I've learnt a lot already, mainly that it'll never happen again!

OP posts:
AltheaVestr1t · 04/07/2024 08:55

I have been in a similar situation years ago and I empathise.

Context is key. If you have hid gambling or frivolous spending from your husband, this is a breach of trust. If, like me, you have resorted to credit to make ends meet amid rising prices and have hid the debts for fear of criticism about mismanaging the finances, this might be a sign that your relationship has issues that need to be faced. It took me a very long time to realise that.

Best of luck OP, you have done the right thing.

Original poster
becca2203 · 04/07/2024 13:23

AltheaVestr1t · 04/07/2024 08:55

I have been in a similar situation years ago and I empathise.

Context is key. If you have hid gambling or frivolous spending from your husband, this is a breach of trust. If, like me, you have resorted to credit to make ends meet amid rising prices and have hid the debts for fear of criticism about mismanaging the finances, this might be a sign that your relationship has issues that need to be faced. It took me a very long time to realise that.

Best of luck OP, you have done the right thing.

Do you mind me asking, how did you cope with it mentally? It was a bit of both, what started off as just spending because we got the house and being a bit careless (after years of watching every penny) I went too far the other way. And the deeper I got, the more I didn't want to tell him or anyone. Then it got to the point that I then convinced myself that we "deserved" to have the nice things like everyone else, and could go to the expensive convenience shop in the town at a weekend. And then started the spending on every day things. Then would want to have "real" money in my bank account so would use the credit cards. And then then repayments got higher leaving even less each month after wages. Honestly can't even think what would have happened if he hadn't of found out. It has enabled us to have honest conversations about the bills and who spends what where though which will prevent any shortfalls

OP posts:
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