If you've been poor but are now comfortable, when and how does it stop feeling so tenuous?

[ClitorisMaximus]

I grew up poor where money was always in short supply.

I'm now financially comfortable but it feels very unreal and very tenuous. I can't shake the feeling that its all going to go up in smoke.

This going up in smoke isn't something that I think about or worry about every day. It doesn't really cause me anxiety because in my head its a foregone conclusion anyway.

I wonder whether this feeling of tenuousness ever goes away for people who've been poor and now find themselves in a more comfortable financial position? I would really appreciate any insights.

I still worry a but. I'm quite risk adverse now. I probably won't buy a bigger house as I don't want the liability of a bigger mortgage. But I'm in the SE so the current mortgage is high and I'm in my 40s which probably has an impact.

However, I do have days when I'll just book a gig/go to a theme park et and not give it a second thought.

I don’t think it ever goes.
For me, at 50, and have been in financial good health for the last few years, the feeling of impermanence is always there. It’s good, it keeps me on my toes and prevents me from
taking things for granted. I have a good job but tomorrow maybe not.
But I also think a lot of it is personality as I am fairly low on planning IQ and usually wing it because I always have that feeling, so I deal with it because of that maybe?

Never.

I'm always thinking about the possibility it could happen again

"Impermanence" is a really way to describe that feeling, thank you.

Never, 55 years ago I had holes in my shoes. I find it difficult to spend the money I have now, even though I am comfortable, I feel I am on the rim of a volcano which I could fall in at any moment. My AC do not understand.

Agree! Never! I think how you were brought up sticks with you. Don't get me wrong I do spend money on things and I don't think other people would notice but I'm always conscious we could lose everything at any time.

I don’t worry about losing it all any more. Partly because the mortgage is paid off and in an economic disaster we can sell up and buy somewhere smaller. I do however feel grateful every single day for what we have now.

I’m not materialistic, I don’t drive a brand new car or wear designer clothes or expensive jewellery, or have lavish holidays. That would feel obscene and a bit vulgar to me when so many of my family and friends are struggling (though I do help them out a lot. Some are starting to take the piss!). I’d feel out of place in ‘posh’ places and they’d be wasted on me. I couldn’t be bothered with an expensive cruise for example, all that having to get dressed up for dinner just isn’t me.

I still look after the pennies to an extent, but I can go round the supermarket and fill the trolley without worrying any more. The bills get paid and there’s still money left over for savings and for some fun things.

In fact, when people ask what I’d do if I won the Euromillions I can never think of anything I want or need. I’d probably give it all away.

@Anonym00se Your situation sounds a lot like mine. But I still have a sense of impermanence. Me and DP are planning early retirement but I'm struggling to fully buy into the assumptions that those plans are founded on.

I still now hold my breath when paying by card. Even though its 20 years since my card declined and I always have money now.

@MistyFrequencies I always have a wedge of cash in the house just in case

We've also paid off our mortgage.
I can't quite understand that we have enough money to get things done properly or to not buy the cheapest when it comes to work around the house or replacing the microwave or whatever.
I guess I believe that well always be able to live and feed and clothe ourselves, but I can't quite get used to buying anything above the supermarket own brand level if that makes sense.
We got our ancient bathroom replaced recently and I still made decisions to try and keep it as cheap as possible, like said no to electric toothbrush charge points in the bathroom. Probably saved us £100 we could have afforded and now I wish we ould charge up our toothbrushes in the bathroom.
Dishwasher needs replacing but I can't bring myself to go and buy anything other than the second cheapest in the shop. We work hard for our money, we've budgeted and saved hard over the years, but I still can't let myself buy a fancy dishwasher.

@User884721 That's interesting because I kind of have the opposite perspective. If I something I want, or the version of it, is expensive then I just get it because I know I can afford it.

So, the feeling of impermanence doesn't really translate into my everyday spending. I'm not really focused on saving - or not spending - money to stave off financial ruin (for want of a less dramatic term) because it feels somewhat inevitable anyway. It feels like I'm cosplaying the life of a wealthy person and at some point I'll have to stop.

I came from a poor background, parents in benefits, and spent my young adult years on benefits. My finances have improved dramatically about 14 years ago and I'd say I don't feel any anxiety or thoughts that the wealth will disappear. I have substantial assets so it is not income that would stop if I got ill or lost my job, so I feel financially secure. I think the change in thinking came about 7 years ago, when I'd built up enough assets.

I'm still frugal in some ways but that is more from wanting to preserve my money and not waste it - I don't see the value in paying for certain premiums, eg I'll buy supermarket clothes and secondhand toys. But the dc get any extracurriculars they want without considering the price, and we spend a lot on days out and holidays, and holiday sports camps though I'm not working just because they want to go.

Never. I've been in the top 5% of earners for almost a decade and I still don't feel secure. I constantly worry about what would happen if I lost my job.

I sometimes worry that I will somehow find myself in the financial difficulties experienced in childhood and my early twenties, when in reality I have a comfortable standard of living. I get anxious if I feel like I’ve spent too much in a month, even though I’m not spending above my means and am saving every month.

Combine this with imposter syndrome, where I irrationally worry that one day it will become clear that I shouldn’t have achieved my current level of earning and I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere close to it if I lost my job tomorrow. Partly due to being in my late 40s and my mum having taken a lower paid job after redundancy in her early 50s (different circumstances and 25 years ago!)

i occasionally run the numbers for redundancy, illness, retirement, etc, and I’d be fine, but it doesn’t quite kill off that niggling doubt!

Never - there is always that nagging feeling that one bad mistake at work, one calamity not of your making or one bad decision of your making could make it all come crashing down.

What's more this low level but constant worry is stressful and tiring.

Never. You always have that feeling that it could be snatched away. I hope my kids don't feel the same way and are able to take it for granted. It is however what fuels my personal ambition at work and with investments, for better or worse.

I'm struggling with the same thing at the moment. I've gone from counting the pennies in Aldi to not really having to worry about much, and being able to afford a lot more, bigger house, nice car etc without too much strain on my finances.

But.

I can't do it. I can't do it, because this isn't how my life - and my luck - works. This won't last forever. It just won't. It'll be taken away from me, because everything always is.

I don't know how to actually enjoy my own success because of this worry.

Me too.

A thought, but maybe it's the fact of debt at every stage of life until you retire and downsize that is the difference between those who are socially mobile, and those who succeed personally, but with the benefit of the silver spoon. I suspect people with family money worry less, because to paraphrase Jarvis Cocker, their dad's can fix their mistakes and solve their problems. Maybe I can be that dad though and my kids them of the silver spoon 😂.

As a young child money was tight and many things were second hand.

Money still makes me nervous sometimes (I hate borrowing and don't feel comfortable without substantial savings).

I don't mostly feel like it's all going to come apart. It would if something happened to DH as he is the breadwinner these days but I have a plan for what I will do in that situation.

For me - never. Despite reassurances from professionals and Dh. It’s like the fear is rooted in my dna.

I worry rarely now that I am retired, with good index-linked pensions, including some from other countries, some savings, and lowish essential outgoings.

I’ve recently fretted a bit though because I was almost widowed, and couldn’t convince myself I’d still have enough income (I will, but any uncertainty makes me assume there will be financial instability).

Hmm. We were never on the breadline poor, but I was the child of teenage parents (who got married) and then my mother sadly died of cancer when I was very young. Our family circumstances were very difficult after that but I was loved and supported and never went without clean clothes and food but there were few "luxuries" on top of that. DH and I were the first in our families to go on to Uni etc and many years on live a nice expat lifestyle. I still feel guilty for eating the cheese. DH retired this year and I spend half my time fretting. I think because my mother died so young I have lived my life for the moment and have tried to travel and experience as much as possible vs having "things" I still have no interest in owning random stuff. We are maybe not as best set up for retirement as we should be because of this - though I think its because I always assumed I'd also die before then.

I have the fear constantly that something will happen to make it all go away.