Am I being unreasonable to not me ambitious, but still be a feminist?

[irish26]

Married with two teenage children. Am I being unreasonable if I have no particular ambition? I earn a decent salary (£42k), which is a few thousand more than my husband. Admittedly that doesn't go far because we have run up debts, which we are addressing. I do my job, I can't think of any way else to make an equivalent salary without a huge step back. Husband says I lack ambition. He has spent years working towards making money outside work - this is his ambition, which he has pursued at the expense of a career where he could have earnt more than he does now - but that extra-curricular income hasn't come to anything so far, and the expense incurred is a reason behind a lot of our debt. I do the thinking about what has to happen in the house, the meals, the cleaning, and I earn more than him. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed and hurt when he says I have no ambition? Is it unreasonable to not have an ambition to be a director, but still absolutely support women who do want to do that?

Wow he has double standards. There's no need for you to internalise what he's said. You are doing more than enough.

I hope you can do something to address the way he is putting you down like that.

Sounds like he is projecting his failings on to you. Have you pointed out his 'ambitions' have left you in debt and that you earn more than him? I am not 'ambitious' in the slightest, I earn enough to get by and thats that. Sounds like you are doing absolutely fine juggling work and running a house, tell hime to bog off.

He is the U one!! That’s awful.

I'm sorry that your husband is an arsehole.

Ambition is not restricted to earnings

Feminism is nothing to do with earning more money/being more successful in your career.

Just keep doing what you're doing and maybe point out some of your husband's short comings?

It sounds like this has little to do with feminism, and a lot to do with him being a twat on this.

But to answer your key question, feminism is about freedom and choice - your ambitions are yours to decide. And I'd say your ambition to keep a stable roof over your head and a functioning household is quite enough, particularly in the face his lack of ambition in this area.

£42k is a very decent salary.

Tell your H he's right you need to focus on your career and as you are the already higher earner, he needs to start picking up more of the housework, so you have space to do that.

Alternatively tell him you already earn more than him so what's his point.

This is not a feminist issue, feminism is about being able to choose the life you want whether that's staying at home raising children, being the director of a company, getting higher education, direct access to money, owning property or travelling the world, or any other type of life without having to go through a man.

What you have is a mismatch of ambition between yourself and your husband. Much like the mismatches that occur when one becomes a gym bunny and the other doesnt

Thing is he isn't doing ambition very well himself is he.

Next time he brings it up, tell him that you couldn't afford both of you to be ambitious as his particular brand of it is costing not making money.

Tell him that if he wants any tips about working smarter not harder, and how to increase his salary he can ask you.

Or just tell him to bog off.

This is exactly the case. He grew up with a father who would constantly belittle him, and now he is doing the same. He has a problem with anger and it makes it hard to argue with him at the time. Later he will always apologise, and we have spoken very candidly about his behaviour at times. Last few days have been tough and that argument about my ambition was just the icing on the cake.

Thanks to all that have responded. I just needed to hear some of that. I think I knew it anyway, but when you are in the midst of emotions and dealing with someone who is angry and also extremely unhappy it's hard to see and think clearly.