Will I lose the children because I work?

[fridascruffs]

My ex-Dp, who is still living in my house but leaves on Friday, wants 50-50 residence of our 2 DC's who are 3.5 and 2 yrs. DS 3.5 was born in UK, then we were in France for 2 years where DD was born. Been back in UK for a year. I moved to my current house in September 2007 and have been working 3 days per week since December 2007. DP had come to stauy with me 'to make sure the chidlren settled' and to take care of them while I found work etc then he was going to go back to live in France. He changed his mind however and has decided to stay here and rent his own place.

The problem is that although I have offered him 2 days and 1 night each week while I work, and every other weekend as well (2 days/ 2 nights, and he already has the children half the holidays and takes them to the Continent))he wants to have the children fifty fifty and I don't agree because (1) they are too young and need a primary home/ carer and (2) ex-DP is unstable in terms of where he wants to be, what he will do- he hates the UK and I can't imagine he will stay here long term (he's not British), has already walked out once telling chldren to have a nice life, always threatening to leave/ go to court to get them removed back to France/ now threatening to go to court to get them to be resident with him as primary carer, because he takes care of them 2 non-consecutive days a week while I work (they're with a childminder for the third day).

He doesn't work, at least not legally.
We are not married. He has Parental responsibility.

Does anyone know whether he's likely to be given residence, or fifty-fifty, in these circumstances? (he has a history of mental illness- depression- and is still receiving money from the Dutch government for not being able to work to his full capacity because of the MH issue; don't know if this has a bearing. It doesn't affect his parenting so far, he's good with the children.)

You wont lose the children based on the fact that you work - any judge would see that you are simply providing for your children.

I think what you have offered is very reaonsable and I cant see a judge extending that - he may agree to x amount of the holidays but usually 2 days/1 night is classed as adequate access.

Thanks Happy Mum, that sounds reasuring. can I ask, do you know this from experience, or is this your opinion?

I've read discussions on here where women who work have considered that they wouldn't get residency because it is weighted towards the non-working partner, as 'primary carer' - but I don't know whether that is just what people think, or whether it is generally true.

You really need to get onto your solicitor ASAP - it's all expensive stuff, I'm afraid.

Thanks mp. It's what i'm worried about- I was told my one solicitor that it wouldn't be a problem, and I wasn't concentrating on it then because he was planning to leave the country at the time, but solicitor said that my not being married meant I'd automatically get residence and didn't even need a residence order if the question of jurisdiction (removal to France) wasn't a factor. I will speak to a solicitor again but can't until thursday due to work, so I'm trying to find out what I can now.

I was the primary carer for the first 3.5 years with my son, ex-DP worked FT on and off for temp agencies, but he's not worked in more than e year, though he's been fixing electical stuff for under the table money fot he last 6 months. I do have some written and photographic evidence of this, dunno if I can show that he was also working so that we were at least equal carers.

He only actualy has both children on a Monday, as they're with cm on Tue and DS is at school on a Wed till 3pm, so he just has DD.

Get a solicitor, please.
Although it's unlikely you should take legal advice.

Yes I think I will. Although what's unlikely?

oh, you mean that he could get residence of them- sorry.

Well I just spoke to him and thought he'd agreed to 4 days/ 2 days alternate weeks, but now he's saying that he will therefore apply for a proportion of the benefits (child benefit, child tax/ working tax credit). This is a man who very reluctantly has paid me half a month's rent since September, no money for bills, no money for providing for the children, in fact no money, apart from buying some coal and a little food when he runs out of beer. Can he do this??? I have told him I have to speak to a lawyer before going any further.

Benefits are paid to the primary carer, it is up to the two of you to decide how they are split up after the primary carer has received them (if you bother to share them at all - I wouldn't!).

It really sounds like he is doing his best to wind you up and make you scared. It is very unlikely he will get residence - expecially if he is threatning to leave the country! A court may say that he can choose to have his access days on the days you work so they do not have to go to a childminder or something, but they will not view you working 3 days a week as detrimental to the children.

Tell him you are no longer able to discuss it between the two of you as he is being unreasonable and threatning. From now onwards you expect all matters relating to the residence and support of the children to be put through your solicitor. If nothing else it will buy you time to get there and get some proper information about what is likley to happen!

Thanks yorkishbirdy. I'm seeing a solicitor on Friday. I'm worried that if I agree to 4 days/ 3 nights one week, then 2 days/ 1 night the next he might go for a Shared Residence Order arguing that as he nearly gets fifty fity already it may as well be bumped up to fifty fifty exactly. I'm just nervous that in trying to be generous about the time split I'm going to shoot myself in the foot. He's taking their beds with him when he moves out on Friday, he's even taking th knives and forks, and the bloody TOASTER for god's sake. Basically anything that was bought while he was working he says he's taking with him- and virtually all their toys were my ideas and effort. I spent hours varnishing dd's cot when I bought it, but he thinks he has a right to it cos he was working- occasionally- while I was giving birth.
Bloody men
He's told me he has no intention of paying any maintenance money for them, which I hadn't planned on asking for anyway, but I'm damned if I'm giving up the child benefit and the tax credits. I've got to replace all the children's furniture for a start...

If I were him I would not move out in that case so do make sure he does leave.

My ex spent a bit more time with the children than I did but we had a full time nanny and we both worked full time (he teaches) and I was worried I woudl lose the chidlren but my lawyer said as the older 3 - teenagers would choose me no court would split the siblings from the older ones and as we had a nanny their father wasn't the primary care giver.

In principle I think 50/50 with split benefits is the right and fair way to do things and would make it easier for you to work and save on your childcare costs. Surely a day paying per hour for child care costs is more expensive than loss off 50% of child benefit. And presumbly you wouldn't like them for less than 50% of the time and just because he's male doesn't mean he loves them less and doesn't need to see them as much as you surely?

Hi Xenia,
Well the fity fifty thing would be OK for me if he was a reasonable type that I could co-operate with (but then I'd still be with him), and if we were both stable and living here permanently. He keeps talking about leaving the country though, he keeps coming back to that, and I think it's not so great for the children to be told they have 2 homes of equal value and then he leaves. Rather they have one that's permanent and they go to stay with papa, then the transition to only visiting him during holidays will be easier when it comes (he hates Britian and despises us all, so I think the day will come).
Also I think 50/50 is OK for the parents but I can't think of any adults I know that would like to live like that so why should children?
He has no choice about leaving the house any more anyway. He refused to sign the rental contract originally because he wasn't going to stay in Britain (he was going to go to france and start a court case to get them taken off me and removed back to France to reside with him) and is here as my guest and I want him to go now.

I agree. Ask an adult if they would each move out of the house to live with their parents and then come back in the week alternately when they have their children and you realise how awful 50.50 is for most children particularly when they're say 10 if you think how an adult would feel trying to do that. There are not easy fair answers although I would have liked 50/50 if my ex would have done it and we live 5 minutes apart so not impossible in our situation although 3 older children would just have refused. I just think it's very unfair on a lot of fathers who are heartbroken at seeing their children once a fortnight when they are used to seeing them every day. If we could break the link between if you have them most you get the benefits or if you have them more then there is no reduction in payments under CSA rules to the usual resident parent it might help but it is so tied to money as well that people use it for that reason too.