Married but living apart

[Namechanges85437854]

'D'H is experiencing mental health difficulties, and it's got to the point where it's not really sustainable for us to continue living together. The DC both have SEN, so there's a lot of needs to balance, at the moment they're negatively impacting him and more importantly (to me), he's negatively impacting them, so it's not really fair to anyone, plus I'm drowning trying to support all three of them.

We've come to the conclusion that we need to separate, but would like to leave the door open to possible reconciliation in a year or two if he's able to work on himself and hopefully heal. I would need to claim universal credit to suport myself and the children after he leaves, would this be possible while we are still married?

It depends on a few things, do you have work? How old are the kids? Will you be truly living as “separated”?

The kids are 7&4, but their SEN isn't compatible with most childcare options available (or at least any that would cost less then I would earn). I currently work nights, but won't be able to keep that up without someone at home. The eldest gets DLA, so I would be able to claim carers allowance even if I can't get uc.

He would be living with his parents in a town about 2h drive away. He would probably visit (or we'd visit him) every few weeks, but that's more yo see the kids then for us as a couple.

You’d have to look into it properly to see if you would be required to look for work or not.

In order to be able to claim UC while still married you have to be living as “separated”. This means totally separated, so not living together but also not financially supporting each other, they are very careful with checking these things so you really need to make sure you are living separately.

Do a legal separation with a solicitor. It's reversible, cheap and protects you in case DWP try to investigate you for fraud.

We already received a small amount of uc, so it would be a change of circumstances not a new claim. In our current claim I get the carers element and don't have any work requirements (despite currently working) due to disabled DS's care needs. So I'm guessing that aspect wouldn't change?

Assuming you're not living under the same roof, ie you or he move out, UC will see you as single. As you have a dependent child eligible for PIP you shouldn't be required to seek/take work.

"This means totally separated, so not living together but also not financially supporting each other"

Would that include payment of child maintenance?

It doesn’t include child maintenance no, so he can make a CMS payment to you and that is fine, but he cannot for example be paying for your family food shops, paying your gas and electric bill, sending you money for mortgage/rent. He can support his kids (by paying child maintenance), but if you are going to claim UC as an individual then you cannot be still be financially supported by him in any other way.

So if your ex partner was going to pay you half mortgage/rent, half bills etc while he was gone then it would be worth you really doing the maths and figuring out if you are better off claiming on your own vs a private agreement with him to keep paying xyz.

He wouldn't be willing or able to pay for any of those things, and I don't think at the moment I'd feel comfortable with being dependent on him in that way. The prospect of reconciliation is very much a maybe not a garentee. He has a lot of work to do on himself before it's even a possibility, and even then we'd have a lot to work through, not least of which the fact I'm been left high and dry, caring for two disabled DC on my own.

Do you receive the disability element for your child that receives DLA?

Yes

My husband and I are separated, although we have no intention of reuniting, we also weren’t in a hurry to divorce. So legally are still married.
I was able to claim UC immediately, even though he still contributed towards the mortgage, as I did not claim housing support (due to being an owner rather than a renter). The agent at UC advised me that he can pay me child maintenance and that has no impact on my UC claim. I also get a reduction in my council tax through my local city council for being a single adult in the house. I also get child benefit for both kids. My ex rents a place, and sees the kids roughly once a week.

Thank you, that's useful to know. Did you get a legal separation, or just agree to go your separate ways?

Nothing legal. We tried mediation but it didn’t work for us. So right now we are just carrying on as we are and it’s working for us both.
The legal advice that we both got is we should get a financial agreement and child arrangement put in place, but that comes with the divorce, and that’s just not a priority for us right now (financially). We get on well enough, and the kids are the priority, and we trust that neither are going to try screw over the other.
From a UC perspective they have never questioned if we are getting divorced or the legal aspect of that.

Hi fellow sen mum here, I had to go on carers allowance due to my child's needs too. I didn't research before hand though and didn't realise that carers allowance is taken off your uc £1 for £1 so was a bit of a blow to get my head around just incase your trying to work out what your income will be.