Deceit

[QuaintUser]

Hi,

This is my first post here, ive lurked and read before but never posted so here goes.

Im looking for some advice really, ive been with my husband since 2008, we moved in to together in 2009 and married in 2010 so quite a quick moving relationship.

When he moved in to my apartment in 2009 he told me then that he had a pre existing IVA for about 10k, and was ‘bad with money and credit’, to help him I took out a loan for circa £10k that he used to pay these debts down, over the next 18 months he then, without my knowledge, he opened up a number of credit accounts and cards in my name building up another 10-15k balance, which I then ultimately cleared and a number of arguments.

He then did something similar in the 1-2 years after that which I had to borrow 15k from my brother to clear and again repaid. This pattern continued as I helped him retrain and get through Uni, though he then stopped draining my credit for a while and built up his own balances again from 2016 onwards, fast forward a few years and he’s then also built balances back up in my name (all without my knowledge). He then had a breakdown leaving him unable to work, I then cleared the balances in my name and got him a loan to clear another IVA he had taken out.

Ive just discovered he’s opened yet more accounts and it has destroyed me after what I have been through over the last 15 years – I don’t know what to do? The lies and the deceit I cant get my head around, it hurts so much.

Finances aside we’ve got a strong relationship and a great family life, he works hard now and helps build a great family environment but this hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family, and i love him, but I cant stand the pain and lies.

Has anybody had something similar ? any advice ?

I'm sorry I haven't been through anything similar, but it's obvious from what you've written you need to leave him.

You've given up your own financial security and he has repeatedly thrown it back in your face.

This is a heartbreaking story, and I'm sorry to hear all the things you've been through.

I do not have any similar experience but I can share my thoughts.

Everyone has their faults; none of us are perfect. But those faults can be small or can be big; they can be ones that you can accept or they can be ones you can't accept. My instinct from what you have written and how you have written it is that what is making you sad is that it has now come to the point that you feel that you can no longer accept it - it looks like he will keep on doing this forever, so if you can't accept that you may have to end this relationship.

I did wonder whether you and he actually tried any kind of therapy to try and get him to stop it? I'm sure such things exist, though I'm not sure whether they actually would work. If you tried it and then 5 years later he relapsed again it might hurt even more.

Deceit?

What he has done - REPEATEDLY !!! - is criminal.

You need to cut him lose as this is never going to end well. What an example he is setting to your children!

Strong relationship.... Great family life....... no, just no. It's all a lie.

Wow this is absolutely awful op. You need to leave. He won’t change.
This is not a good relationship at all- you are being financially abused and what he’s done is FRAUD and illegal. You need to contact the police imo. He has committed fraud using your identity op.. this is really serious. You sound quite blasé about it and wondering if you can still make it work! I wonder if he has worn you down over the years because this is no way to be treated. He has committed fraud. No good will come with him. Please seek some help! X

Hi OP, this recurring deceit is destroying you. You are caught in a web of repeated lies,disrespect, deceit and ultimate betrayal. If someone described the same circumstances to you, you would surely be horrified. You will need to access support to get yourself out of this relationship. It all seems so shocking and repetitive that I think you have been blindsided by it. Sending you peace and strength; you don't deserve this