To get dh to get on board with our finances

[plannerhead]

Hi Everyone

After being inspired by a similar thread last week, I have decided to take the bull by the horns and to force DH into a conversation regarding our finances and debt.
We are currently in a fair bit of debt. This has reduced from a starting point of 51K to a current 35K. it has taken 12 months to get to this point.
I do everything regarding the money. I create the budget, organise the payments, sort out balance transfers etc. DH doesn’t have a clue. He knows that we are in debt, but he wouldn’t be able to tell you if it’s 10k, 20k or 50k. I am partly to blame for this as at the start, it was almost a blessing to not have him asking questions or stressing over it. It allowed me to just get on with it. He knows that we need to manage our spending and for MOST of the time, he is ok with this.

There have been a couple of occasions recently were he has overspent and this has really annoyed me. It has also made me realise that him not having a crystal clear picture of our finances means that he isn’t making informed decisions.
I am also worried about the fact that about half of this debt is in his name. I manage/service it all but it doesn’t feel right that he has 18K worth of debt in his name that he actually has very little understanding of. Just last month I took out a new 0% card in his name to transfer some debt that was about to accrue interest. He knows that I do this and he doesn’t care, but I need him to be more involved in these sorts of transactions.

So, how to I get him to engage without it causing tension? When I have tried to engage him before he has said “ you sort all of that out”.
I have also realised that I have held on to a lot of guilt for the debt that we racked up. I used credit cards/loans to bridge an income gap, as well as some good old-fashioned overspending. DH knew that we are racking up debt, but again he didn’t know the numbers. For a long time I felt immense guilt over this. I am now at a point where I refuse to feel solely responsible.

How do I get him to engage?

I think this cannot happen without tension or some discomfort for him. Protecting him from it ends now. You can't do that without waves of some kind. He will absolutely want to continue as you are and will kick back to start with.

I think I would say, we need to talk and i don't want to ambush you. As i know you wont enjoy this. So tomorrow after work we need to sit down and get a handle on this together. Getting rid of this debt is a huge responsibility and as a partner in this relationship you cannot simply opt out and leave it to me. That is grossly unfair and you should have a better grasp on what is happening and why. We need to fix this together. It is making you stressed and unhappy carrying this burden alone and you need his support.

I think framing it as a request for support and not a tirade of all the things he isn't doing or should be doing is your best bet. If it is the latter he will feel under attack and shut down.

@juicelooseabootthishoose
Thank you - I think that you are right. He will either try to not engage, or he will do the blame game thing. He has done that before - "well you're the spender", or" "you're the one that ran up the cards". Now, yes, I agree that most of the transactions were made by me, however they weren't transactions that benefited just me - the holidays, the new furniture, the days out, the new car, the weekends away, the takeaways, meals etc etc etc it was all stuff that we did together. For such a long time I have blamed myself for our debt.... but no more. It has to stop today

This may not suit your style but I found sharing an updated spreasheet with short information and instructions (sent via email regularly - e.g., monthly) worked. This was what I did when I enacted my plan to pay off our mortgage. I planned it all, but my husband could see the progress. He also knew in advanced that I expected him to pay an x amount in a particular month/period.

If he is overspending then you need to make him fully aware of the situation.

You lived beyond your means, and that has now stopped and it is no good him blaming you for it if he was part of it. He must have known that you couldn't really afford all of those things. It doesn't matter how or why or what happened before, you both need to limit your spending now.

Sit down with him and the budget spreadsheet and show him where your money goes each month and explain that there isn't anything spare at the moment.

A lot of people don't have new cars and holidays because they can't afford them and don't want to get into debt. He needs to be on board with that.