Does anyone else feel like the secretary/treasurer?

[toaster78]

Hi,

It has dawned on me that my dh has absolutely no idea about our household finances and that I have inadvertently facilitated this!

He has zero clue about how much our bills are, what day the direct debits go out, how much we have saved or how much we have on our credit cards. yesterday he asked me how much his credit card balance was!!!!

I have realised that I have created this situation by doing everything!!!!

Don't get me wrong - he works hard and puts a lot into the pot, but if I disappeared tomorrow he wouldn't have a clue where to start!

Is anyone else in this situation?

Yes. It’s fucking exhausting. He now refuses to even engage. I’ve had to rope in a friend to be on hand if I die suddenly. It’s deeply unattractive.

I am, but I like to be in chrage of the finances.

I suppose it does prove that he trusts me - I could literally go wild with the cards and he would have no clue!!

I think it's one thing to be in charge - but does he take any interest at all?

My ex used to ask almost daily how much we had in the joint current account because "the app doesn't work on my phone". Nothing as sexy as parenting your husband...

Have to admit this is our situation. I know it's not good, and I genuinely worry what would happen if I died, we keep saying we need to sit down and go through everything but time marches on. He works away often, sometimes for months at a time, I just took the reins when we were newly married and it's never really changed. Tbh I love being in charge, I don't find it exhausting at all, it's almost a hobby...my spreadsheet is a thing of beauty and he's quite happy with the situation as long as he has the money he needs for what he wants!

But I must, must, must get everything written down in case the worst happened. It's very morbid!

Sounds like I am in good company. I worry about the debts that we have - they are all very manageable and under control, but he literally couldn't tell you if we owed 1k or 50k! I keep trying to show him the spreadsheet that I use to track the debt payments but he just isn't interested!

I worry that one day he will suddenly take an interest and then be critical of how I have managed it all

Yes but I'm an Accountant so love to be in charge of the admin and money.
I talk him through it and give a cashflow update but he's not that bothered. If I died tomorrow, he'd have no idea becuase our accounts are so complicated and mostly in my name.

That must be hard, I have to admit we don't have debts (outside of mortgage and car finance) so when I say control for me it's working out what we're spending and saving. It must be really difficult if you're servicing debt because it means the burden is on you, I think that's very different and not something you should be having to deal with on your own, but he would have absolutely ZERO right to criticise you if he's not helped at all, so don't even let that thought enter your head!

@toaster78 you are worrying unnecessarily - he absolutely would know
where to start but at the moment he doesn’t need to.
I’m old enough to remember my father ‘paying’ my mum Housekeeping Money
which she had to eke out through the week.
We’ve come a long way baby - what you are describing seems normal
and regular, you are a trustworthy, capable woman, probably excel at budgetting, balancing the books.
You no doubt book the holidays too.
Should you attempt to show him a financial overview he will affect disinterest.
As long as he does keep filling the pot, this is a good symbiotic deal isn’t it ?

We were in this position as I am very financially savvy, but after a health scare we changed tactics. Now we have a key documents folder that has all of our insurance, pensions, phone contract details, main bills, kids savings and everything else in it. It's hidden under a floorboard, but accessible in case of a fire. If anything happens to one of us, the other can pick up and get sorted as soon as they're able. We also have a family member on each side who we trust; who knows where the folder is.

I still do the day to day banking and negotiating the bills etc, but DH has the apps and is perfectly capable of checking payments and balances himself

He doesn't really. He's very frugal but he has no confidence in anything to deal with money. He even asks me which funds he should put his company pension in. If left to his own devices, he'll be one of those people who never remortgage or change phone, insurance or gas/electricity providers. I grew up in a family where my parents both invest their own money. His parents don't have any savings and he's not used to understanding financial products.

@ExhaustedGoose I actually have the same planning. I have a document saying who all our insurance providers and where our savings accounts are. If anything happen to me, he'll have that list.

And an answer to those who might think DH isn't interested because I'm taking charge. We came here to do our postdocs, and DH came a year before me. He didn't sign up for the university pension. I made him sign up when I arrived here. I think he's just intimidated by the wording financial products. He's a very smart person otherwise. I don't think this is all that uncommon. You'll find lots of people muddle through life without taking an interest in budgetting or investments.

My DH is an accountant so insists on doing all the finance stuff in our house. I'm perfectly capable and know all about everything. We also use a password keeper so I could get into every account if something happened. Our password keeper also lets you store secure notes so we've lists of important numbers, contacts etc in there too.
I find it a bit annoying occasionally but he puts a lot of value on doing this for us, seeing it as one of the ways he contributes to the relationship, so I'm happy with it to continue.