What is fair? People good at maths, need your help

[superwoman888]

Hi everyone,

I'm not great at maths and getting myself all twisted in our current mortgage situation. I would be so grateful for a steer. Here's the background:

Bought our 1st flat in 2018 for 175k - I paid 7k deposit, partner paid 18k. Deeds at 50/50 and paid 50/50 every month to mortgage. Approx £1200 (£600 each).

Moved to our 2nd house in 2021 for £307k - paid equity taken from flat (approx 80k) into the new house. Deeds remained at 50/50 (knowing he paid £10k more on the 1st flat, we both agreed this would be addressed at some point). Worth around £350k right now.

Fast-forward to 2023 - Partner paid a lump-sum from a bonus of £60k off in the mortgage May 2023. Deeds changed to 36% me / 64% him. Still continue to pay 50/50 into monthly mortgage payments. Approx £1350 (£675 each).

My questions is - mathematically speaking (not by what's right or wrong as partners / parents in one household etc) - should I continue paying 50/50 of the mortgage, or should I be paying 36% of the monthly payments now I own less? So confused!

It felt right at the time to change the deeds as obviously he owns more, and when we sell it, he would get that %. But I thought today what we should've done was get a legal document that said whenever we sell the house, he could take his £70k back, then the rest would be split 50/50. Does that work out the same anyway, and am I getting paranoid about nothing? Going in loops here.

Some more insights: Unmarried and have a one-year old child. Been together 12 years, living together 10. I earn £33k and he earns £70k. I'm from a low income background and have never had 'assets' or 'wealth' before and feeling overwhelmed, and not sure if what we're doing is right or wrong.

My 2nd question is - is there a way we can comfortably get back to paying 50/50 on the mortgage? If so, how would this look? He offered to pay off 'his side' and I would be liable for the remainder (approx £140k now) but I have the nagging feeling not to let that happen, as he would be living here as some sort of lodger free, whilst I continue to pay off a debt with rising interest rates while he continues to rise. Should I charge rent if that happens? I understand he earns more but the whole dynamic just feels off, when we should be operating more as a family as this is our house and clubbing our finances together more, I calculate all my spending is on shared stuff anyway. From his side, obviously the big payment of the mortgage has saved me interest in the long-run, and he's upset I don't seem more grateful about this.

My 3rd question is - if I only truly own 36% of the house, what about all of the other investments we made? E.g. the garden we spent £8000 on at 50/50, the flooring we spent £5k on 50/50, all the legal fees, stamp duty etc etc was all 50/50, so that all just gets lost on the house in his 'share' if we sell it? Feels like I'm losing money.

Some more insights: Also, he has always earned more than me but we've always done 50/50 when living together, does this mean I've always been at a financial loss due to this set-up? (excl the mortgage I mean). I calculated I've earned an avg of £30k per year for the last 10 years, and him around £48k. He also got 2 bonuses in the last year, totalling £130k. I lost around £6k by being on maternity and am now further in debt sadly, and struggling to keep up (I knew this was going to happen but now facing the reality of it - is it wrong to ask my partner for a loan to help pay these off, is that weird? He has around £30k in savings. I have around £8k in debt, costing around £600 per month, and he hates this (note the debt was for the garden and our car).

We are arguing regularly about money and at point of breaking up, and it's not a nice environment to live. I was always of the mindset it was fine to separate finances until we had our daughter, and I am now feeling very vulnerable, very angry, and very naïve, so any steer welcome. I've got a financial advisor and solicitor to hand.

So thanks so much.

Just break up with him, he's a tight bastard and is letting you fret about money for no good reason.

He got £130k in bonuses in the last year and he is letting you get into debt because you've been off work to have his baby??? He is not a nice man. Sorry.

I’d say it isn’t fair for you to pay 50% of the mortgage, unless your share of the ownership will be gradually updated over time.

But more importantly I’d say you are better off without this tight fisted man, who would see you struggle while he sits pretty.

Dont argue, just ditch him and get on with your life.

These threads depress me so much, not just at the sheer number of tight fisted men out there but that so many women still don’t understand that they are extremely vulnerable financially if they have kids with a man they’re not married to.

Hi OP,

I think you need to move this to the relationships board as this is not really about equity in the house, it's about you having a baby, going on maternity leave, feeling vulnerable, and him making you go into debt to fund taking care of your newborn.

People on here are weird about 50:50, even when the female partner is the lower earner, but in my world, it is always a joint pot of money and shared when you get to the point of having children, however, I also think you should marry before children to ensure you are more financially secure as I think in nearly all cases, mothers lose out more with maternity leave etc.

As soon as ownership switched to 36/64 you should be paying in that proportion for all expenses including the mortgage going forward.

You're arguing because the situation isn't fair and he's taking the absolute piss. I wouldn't continue to put 50.50 in and make a further loss.

Why not seek independent financial help ASAP without telling him. Ask what they think likely outcomes could be based on a financial split both your wages, your future forecasted financial wages, assets (cars). I dont think his family prior wealth will count. I'd expect you to be better off separated.

It should be 50-50, minus the lump sums.

So if you split, you each get back your initial deposit, he gets the lump sum back, and the rest is split in half.

Easiest way to do it, especially as other costs have been 50-50, and the mortgage payments have been 50-50

Hi OP,
I don't think it's possible to give a mathematical answer as what is fair is a matter of opinion not fact.

I don't think that you should have let your partner pay a lump sum if it meant he was going to change the ownership on the deeds. You could live there another 30 years and have paid the house off together and you would own half. Now you will always own less unless the deeds are changed again.

Your partner is like a drowning man hanging onto his gold and it will sink him. Assuming that both of you and your child are healthy then with your income as a family you should have a wonderful life. Instead of taking care of his family he is fretting about who owns what and not sharing.

When my eldest was born I was a stay at home mum for the first 5 years of his life. My partner was a newly qualified teacher. We were not married then but we are now. He paid for everything. When my partner had to stay with his parents as he tried to look for a job back near our mortgaged house after his training he transferred nearly all his wages to me every month leaving himself the minimum to get by. How much did I owe him? Absolutely nothing. We are a family. How do we own our house? - joint tenants 50:50. Never crossed either of our minds to do otherwise.

If your partner can't change his attitude I would think about separating and he can guard his precious gold all for himself. It sounds like he knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I couldn't spend my life being poorer than my partner. Ask him for a loan? - no - ask him for your share of the equity and get your own place. At least you won't be trying to keep up with a tightwad that earns 100k+ a year.

Will you be my best friend? Feel like 99% of posters on here need to here advice like this!

Ditch him OP. You're in debt through mat leave. That's despicable on his part

Like others, I don’t see the maths as relevant here. I just think your partner is mean to the point of financial abuse.

My husband earns more than twice what I do. We both contribute what we can afford to the ‘family pot’ so he contributes about double what I do. All the bills get paid and we each have a bit of spending money left for ourselves. Husband and I both think this is fair.

As it happens, I also had a substantial inheritance (unexpectedly early), some of which was used to buy us a house outright and some of which has gone into investments, family holidays etc

So actually my husband and I are probably about even, all things considered with his greater contributions over the years, and my one-off large contribution. But it’s irrelevant- we have both shared what we have and what we earned with the family.

I agree with everyone that he sounds tight fisted and financially abusive in many ways but I do think the maths is relevant and it is fair that you pay the mortgage 50:50 and receive a 36% share… mathematically speaking. But this isn’t a business transaction. It doesn’t take into account that raising your child has had a greater financial impact on you and your career.

The fair way to calculate things would be to take the % of the purchase price that you put in and then take that percentage of the sale price/current value back. Any remaining equity is then split 50:50. You would need recalculate the % owned for each transaction (both purchases and when he put in the extra £60k).

You haven’t given quite enough detail to calculate that exactly (eg the property value when he put the £60k in) but my calculations suggest you would own 37% of the property when the mortgage is paid off if you continue to pay 50% of the mortgage. However, at the moment, you have only put 26% of the money into the property so far so the split documented in the deeds favours you if you sell now…

I would take the money and run! 😂