Financial secrecy in marriage

[Myleaf]

Hi I’m looking for some advice please.
I have been married for 3 years, together 12. 2 children, a mortgage but no shared bank account.
husband is self employed and has been struggling for work the last few months. I have always paid the bills and he just gives me money when he feels like it but hasn’t contributed in around 4 months. Every time I ask him if he’s ok for money he tells me yes.
I shouldn’t have done, but I checked search history on his iPad last week and found searches such as “will a personal loan effect a remortgage” and then a Santander application for a loan which I’m not sure whether he’s taken out. I want to confront him but I know he will go absolutely mental about me checking the iPad despite him putting a tracker on my phone for no reason last year when I was working! There’s other issues but this is the main one at the moment!! I did find that he had also taken out a loan of £10,000 2 years ago which I had no idea about to buy a van. He borrowed money from my dad (which he’s not paid back from 2019) to buy the first one, traded it in and I’ve now realised got a personal loan to cover the rest. It looks as though he’s keeping up repayments somehow. This recent application seems to be for a new loan.

we are not really talking at the moment as every time I get home from work he’s done nothing in the house so I confronted him about it last week. Whenever we have a disagreement he acts like a child and gives me the silent treatment! Is it normal to keep things like this from your wife? How do I or should I confront him?

I think this should be a Relationships post rather than Money Matters, as the financial aspect seems to be the tip of the iceburg.

Bumping for you.

To answer your last question, no, I don't believe it's normal to keep these secrets. Everything open and shared in one-pot within my marriage.

Open a credit checking account and see what's connected to you.

I posted on there but got no response. I did see similar threads on money matters.

thanks

I tried doing this but it doesn’t bring anything up!

What are you wanting to achieve? Eg. A reason to end the relationship, him to come clean about a new loan, transparency in all things and a better relationship, etc.

If the latter, is he open to counselling?

TBH, if he hasn't paid back your dad yet, I think this might be what I would use as the opener, as that takes the spotlight from you. Has your dad not asked for it back?

I suppose im just wanting to know if normal for husbands to keep secrets from their wives regarding money! I feel a bit of a mug really.

thanks, that seems a good idea to bring up the money he owes my dad.

I couldn't be with my DH if he wasn't transparent with me about his/our finances. That transparency makes me feel safe and I know I can trust him.
I think you should bring up the ones he owes to your dad and ask what his plan is regarding paying it back and then lead the conversation to all matters of finance that you want to know about.

To answer your question, no, this is not ‘normal’. It sounds like you have a financial partner who is making some poor financial choices, some of which he’s hiding from you, and gets defensive when the topic comes up. So this will take some tricky untangling to open up the lines of communication and get on the same page, transparently working toward the same financial goals. Here would be my approach if I were in your shoes:

1. I would binge watch videos from The Budget Mom’s YouTube page, particularly the ‘Real Life Budget’ videos where she problem-solves budgets for real families and she determines if their current spending is Green or Red. I would also familiarise myself with her Budget by Paycheck methodology.
2. After this, I would have a conversation with DH. I would probably book it in—‘Now that I’m x years old, I’d like to have a chat tomorrow afternoon/evening/etc about my financial goals for retirement/homeownership/etc, so that I can put a plan in place for myself. I’d like to be transparent about my goals for future and would like to align with you on this.’ All very self-centered here, on YOUR goals, so very non-confrontational. In the conversation itself, I would list my goals I’m saving for: retirement/homeownership/holiday/car/university/etc. I would then implement some of The Budget Mom’s methodologies from her Real Life Budget videos—this includes listing all of your debts, in order from highest interest rate to lowest. Include the minimum monthly payment amounts. Get the list started—mortgage, loan to Dad, everything else. Then ask, ‘I want to have a full picture of our household debt. What else is missing—are there any other debts you have?’ Add his debts to the list. Then move on with the monthly bills, and go from there. You’ll see what obligations you have, how much money you have leftover, and can decide as a team how you’d like to allocate that money toward your goals. I would reinforce that the financial goal plan is not a ‘one and done’ activity—your contribution toward your goals may well change monthly, so you’d like to keep the communication open and transparent.
3. After setting up a plan, I would check in monthly.

I think his answer as to why he hasn't paid back your dad would be telling.

Is he remorseful and everything has just got on top of him, leading to depression and treating you VERY badly? Not excusable, but might help understand him a bit better and open up a dialogue towards working through it together, as a married couple.

Or does not give a shit? In which case, he is severely lacking in morals. Your dad didn't choose to have a relationship with him, so why should he be out of pocket after helping him in his hour of need? I'm not suggesting you pay dad back, just that hubby's thinking is warped if he thinks he has no obligation to do so.

I think you’ve every right to ask:
Do you have work
Do you have any money to contribute to bills
Have you paid my father back any of the loan
Is your self assessment upto date and have you paid any tax due

Regarding the search if loan affects remortgage, are you joint owners of house and mortgage, presumably he needs your signature to remortgage, but I would check online your mortgage account.

Then I would do as previous poster said, ask him how he feels about your future, but yes, I think you really need to sit down and have a discussion. My DH was self employed, but if he ever had no work, I would always come home to the housework done.