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Original poster

Friends and small loans

50 replies

Umblebee · 27/03/2024 18:28

I'm interested in people's opinions on lending money. A close friend asked if he could borrow £15 untill he got his wages. I didn't say yes or no. He felt awkward and then I felt awkward. I offered to take him out for a meal but he shut himself off from me.
It's a small amount of money but I know that if I lend him anything once then it will happen regularly and I don't want to get into that. But why do I feel as if I've commited a crime?

OP posts:
EatCrow · 29/03/2024 17:17

Umblebee · 27/03/2024 18:46

He's always broke and has no savings through bad money management

I didn't mean an elaborate meal, just fish and chips or something. It's easier to give someone something to eat but lending money leads to trouble. I know if I start lending small amounts it will happen regularly and I don't want to get into that cycle.
I know I handled this the wrong way but he put me on the spot. Do people who ask to borrow realise how awkward is is for the person they ask to say no?

I read a brilliant solution to this problem. You could lend him the £15.00 and insist on getting it back. Put the returned £15.00 in an envelope without telling him and next time he asks say you can only lend him £15.00. That’s the £15.00 kitty. If he doesn’t pay you back there is no kitty.

Bjorkdidit · 29/03/2024 17:20

Btw he doesn't have a car so I give him rides and when he needs help I clean his house for him

Er, what??? Why?

What do you get out of this friendship? He seems to getting rather a lot. What's in it for you?

westisbest1982 · 29/03/2024 19:50

Just tell him how you feel and if he’s a true friend then he’d understand. It’s that simple.

Fluorescentgem · 29/03/2024 19:56

He's not your friend. He's just using you. Grow a backbone and tell him to sod off.

Zapss · 29/03/2024 23:19

I think you absolutely should make him feel very awkward.

Grimchmas · 29/03/2024 23:31

I hate to break it to you but he doesnt see your value as a friend, he sees your value as a free cleaner, taxi and ATM.

Dump the user and get more comfortable with telling pisstakers to jog on.

MissusKay · 30/03/2024 07:34

You're still a nice person if you have boundaries. Give your care and help to someone who deserves it and reciprocates. This guy is a user.

CadyEastman · 30/03/2024 08:44

Did his DCousin ever pay back their loans?

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2024 09:03

So he and his cousin have been talking about you and have decided you are loaded? I wouldn't lend anybody any money if I knew they were talking about me like that.

CharSiu · 30/03/2024 10:10

A good rule is to never ever lend money to anyone.

I personally have helped out three of my sisters by giving them money, they did not ask I hasten to add and it was a few hundred on a couple of occasions. These were very trying times, divorce and a major illness. I could easily afford to take the hit. so they were gifts not loans.

I would never lend money to a friend or a relative.

Being nice just means ending up being an ATM.

YireosDodeAver · 30/03/2024 10:13

Only lend to friends and family amounts that you would be happy to write off as a gift if they didn't repay.

In this situation I would have said "I can manage £5 - I hope that helps a bit" if it was someone I would be happy to give a gift of that value to. Then if he repays it's a bonus and if he doesn't I wouldn't resent it, and he's less likely to ask again because I didn't just say yes as if it was easy.

Kitkat1523 · 30/03/2024 10:50

I’ve often loaned smaller amounts ( up to £20) at work…. People have asked me to put in for a collection …..forgot money for lunch or it was their turn to buy office milk etc…..I’ve always given and always been given it back

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 30/03/2024 10:53

Umblebee · 27/03/2024 19:21

Last time I lent him a small amount he didn't pay it back. Eventually I told him to keep it.
If he asks again I just need to say sorry I can't, and then move on. This awkward feeling isn't pleasant.

That’s different, if there’s a history of non-payment. You offered to help in a way you were comfortable with, and he refused, he probably won’t ask again, job done.

Riverlee · 30/03/2024 11:03

His cousin takes to ask to borrow money of you and now he ‘s doing the same. Says it all really, they see you as a cash cow.

Bext time he asks, turn it around and offer to help him plan bc a budget so he fiesn’t get broke again. Maybe if he does this, then lend (give) it to him (after the discussion) but not before. Be proactive and see how serious he is about sorting his money out.

Original poster
Umblebee · 30/03/2024 13:40

I handled this badly I know but I got flustered. He now knows that it's something I won't do hopefully he won't ask again and we can forget all about this. Actually he knew how I had an issue with this before he asked but that didn't stop him.

I've learnt in the past not to feel honoured when someone asks for monetary help because they will ask anybody.
No one wants to be an ATM!

OP posts:
Original poster
Umblebee · 30/03/2024 13:43

If I mention budgeting he would get all uppity and shut the conversation down. He's not stupid, he must know he wastes cash.

OP posts:
CadyEastman · 30/03/2024 13:49

I mean this with kindness, this isn't a proper friendship. You drive him, you clean for him, you gave him money.

What's in this for you OP?

westisbest1982 · 30/03/2024 14:10

Umblebee · 30/03/2024 13:43

If I mention budgeting he would get all uppity and shut the conversation down. He's not stupid, he must know he wastes cash.

So what if he does? Are you worried he’s going to end this ‘friendship’?

FictionalCharacter · 30/03/2024 14:27

Umblebee · 27/03/2024 19:21

Last time I lent him a small amount he didn't pay it back. Eventually I told him to keep it.
If he asks again I just need to say sorry I can't, and then move on. This awkward feeling isn't pleasant.

You should have put this in your OP. He wouldn't have paid you back this time either, then he'd know he can get free money off you again and again.
You're right not to lend but doing it once makes it harder to say no.
Why did you not feel able to say no?

FictionalCharacter · 30/03/2024 14:33

Oh I missed all the drip feeds. Cleaning for him? Driving him around? As well as lending him money previously that he never repaid? Come on, you're being taken for a mug.

Newestname002 · 30/03/2024 14:43

FictionalCharacter · 30/03/2024 14:33

Oh I missed all the drip feeds. Cleaning for him? Driving him around? As well as lending him money previously that he never repaid? Come on, you're being taken for a mug.

@Umblebee

I'm afraid I agree with this OP. This guy sees you as something he can prod for free money - he's not paid you money you lent him from last time, thinks you are loaded so he can use you as "a cash machine" he never has to pay back, plus you're his free taxi and cleaner. What, truly, are you getting from this friendship? 🌹

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/03/2024 15:06

WTF? Why are you cleaning for him and giving him rides????

He can catch public transport or taxis like everyone else that doesn't have their own car, and he can damn well clean his own home.

Stop being a mug.

Tell your 'friend':

"Has anyone explained to you what 'You can't have your cake and eat it too' actually means? It means if you have a cake, and then you eat it, you no longer have a cake. You can't do both. Same with money. I have money to spend on what I want, because I don't spend it on frivolous items. You can't spend it and have it at the same time. I am not tight, I value the good things that money can get me so I don't waste it."

Original poster
Umblebee · 30/03/2024 22:22

Sorry about the drip feed, this is a money matters forum and I wasn't sure how much I should say.
He's a family friend and close enough to be a relative so ending the friendship would not be good. And we do give each other emotional support.
But after saying things out loud on here I do have a slightly different perspective and I think we might be getting into codependent territory and that's not good either.
Thanks for listening and responding.

OP posts:
MissusKay · 31/03/2024 12:50

So you are going to keep giving him money and doing stuff for him to maintain the relationship? Because once the cash point is closed the relationship will be over. BUT if you stop giving him money you will likely discover he's done this to others and you aren't the only one he's been manipulating.

Relationships aren't pay for play. Stop giving him money and let others know that's why he's angry with you/ignoring you/whatever. If you add up the money you'll probably be shocked how much it's added up to over the years.

(FYI when I stopped giving my sister money she went no contact. But I wasn't going to keep giving her £1000s to maintain a relationship that wasn't much of a relationship at that point. I was just a wallet to her. It's nice to have my own money and time back tbh. Sure I'd like to have a relationship with her, but not enough to pay for it.)

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 31/03/2024 15:51

My friend wants my help to renovate his bedroom. I suggested he set a budget and we see how many things we can upcycle or source for free but he didn't want to do that and joked that I just didn't like paying out for anything.

You need to have a clear direct one-time conversation. Be pleasant but say that the two of you have different attitudes towards money, that you do not have 'loads of money' you are just careful with it, that your money is planned, budgeted and tied up, whilst he is laissez faire and not planned, and that you would rather keep financial transactions out of your friendship.

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