Intrusive Joint Bank Account

[Sunshinesun]

Hey

Not sure if I'd going a tad crazy! Me and my husband switched banks to Starling. It was his suggestion so we can manage our money better and see where it's all going, be smarter with cash. We both work full time, I earn more than him by a fraction, I earn £80k plus. I'm annoyed as I'm finding Starling very intrusive in regard to the joint bank we have which both salaries are paid into.... feel like I can't breathe never mind spend money! Everything is tracked and monitored in a fancy dashboard. Really missing good old Halifax!
My husband will be watching like a hawk!
Feeling like I have zero financial independence despite earning my own money.

Any suggestions how to raise this topic with him?

Tell him you dislike it and plan to have your salary put into a different account and happy to send over your share of joint expenses.

Thank you - I think this is what I needed to hear. A firm response.

We've been banking like this for 16 years, joint all going in the same pot and all coming out of the same pot and it's getting me down! This starling fancy banking has really bought it to my attention.

If you have a joint account then you must have a solo account, just 'pay yourself' into that account.

Although I'd like to point out that if your husband is "watching what you spend like a hawk" and that you feel like he may be oppressive about it, it's probably a fairly significant red flag and I'd be opting out of the joint bank account entirely, quick smart.

My husband will be watching like a hawk!

Is this the account, or the DH? Because my DH has spreadsheets and apps and fancy accounts and all manner of tedious nonsense. Every now and again he turns around, says, "what did you send 200 quid on at Fancy Shoes Inc.?" And I tell him. He fills in another interminable formula and we go on with our days. Every so often I will ask, "can I spend a billionty quid on a holiday?" He will answer, "no, there is blah blah money in the holiday fund" and I will overspend that.

We also have 'pocket money' that is equal and entirely discretionary.

If your DH is being weird or controlling, that's not the account.

Just say you don't like it and are switching back to a non-joint account to pay your wages in. If you can't say that to him without it being an issue, you've got a serious problem in the marriage.

He doesn't have any rights to track every penny you earn or spend. I'm not saying he's necessarily doing it for bad reasons. If he has any issue though with you switching back to a non-joint bank account for your wages and transferring your share of the joint household expenses into the joint account, then that's a red flag for controlling behaviour. There should be no sulking, no stroppy moodiness, no silent treatment, no taking it personally and feeling hurt, no questioning you about why over and over and expecting you to justify your reasoning to his satisfaction, no constantly moaning about it.

He might be disappointed if he was curious to know exactly how the family's money was being spent so he could try to work out cost saving ideas etc, but it should basically be a non-issue to him where your wages are paid in and he should deal with his feelings without trying to put it on you. It's not for you to fix any issues of him feeling bad.

Agree that it's not the account it's your set up.

Either get all your money paid into one account that's used for joint costs and savings but you both get an equal amount for personal spending and savings or get paid into personal accounts and send an agreed amount to the joint account.

What's in your personal account is entirely your business.

Agree, single account for personal spends, joint for household and dc if you have any.

Either pay into joint from sole, or pay all into joint and allowances for personal out to sole. Either do joint payments 50/50 or proportionate to income.

If you have had shared account for yonks then maybe allowances out would feel less big a change. Keep as much as possible joint maybe.

Have some agreement what is personal and what is joint, especially eg car costs, hobby costs, clothing.

If you have always paid your salaries into a joint account then why is there a problem now? The spreadsheets etc. are only telling you what you knew already. Halifax had the same information but didn't share it with you.

Are you facing up to some uncomfortable truths about your spending or is your H getting unreasonably obsessed with what you buy?

You are of course within your rights to back out of the arrangement. I never really bought into the "everything into joint, take out equal spends", it's just as easy to transfer in what's needed for joint bills.

I think it's better to have personal accounts that your salary goes into, they a joint bills account and joint savings account that amounts paid in is agreed. That way there is leeway to spend what you want as long as you are both saving agreed amounts

We don't have a joint account but do pool our money. We 'pay' ourselves a set amount into our own accounts each month. No way would I want my personal spending tracked by dh! Awful!

Has he actually said anything? Or is it just you not liking seeing it displayed on a dashboard and finding it intrusive? Why is joint banking getting you down?

Recently I've done a real analysis of our spending from our joint account because it's so easy for old direct debits of a small amount to sustain and not be cancelled. I think we've ended up cancelling things that will really add up over the year.

We have our own accounts for personal spending but the majority of our money is in the joint account and I definitely lead on monitoring it.

I mention it because if you live like this permanently I can see it would be a bit much - but looking carefully at the detail periodically can be really helpful.

Simply say it isn't fir me and doing your tree in.

Your go back to Halifax and send in x amou t a month standing order.

Job done. Your an adult

DH and I have our own and a joint. Nothing is scrutinised, nor hidden either, and that’s the key. You are entitled to have your own spending habits within your means though.