Child maintenance and access to child

[AgilePinkGoose]

This is such a random post. Please bear with me. I’ve been dating a man with a child and we’ve been talking about getting married. He doesn’t have custody of the child (18mths) and has had an informal arrangement with his ex that he sees his child one day every 2 weeks. He’d really like to see her more, and his ex says she’d be open to weekly visits if he pays more in child support.

He makes around 21k, and his required legal child support, based on his income, is around the £150 mark per month. I personally don’t think this is enough to raise a child on and neither does he, so he pays £400-700 every month (eg in the last year, he has paid just over £6000 in maintenance - I’ve seen the statements).

I know I’m not a parent, please tell me if I’m being stupid or overcrossing boundaries here by expressing this on this forum.

Is it a bit unfair for her to ask for more child support in exchange for him seeing his child more often or is this common practice? It isn’t to cover travel as he travels up to see them. Is it something he could contest if they made this more formal and he took her to court? He mentioned reducing his child maintenance to the minimum until they can sort out visitation but I said I think this is really unfair and I personally wouldn’t be comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who is indirectly punishing his child (by providing less financial support) due to being in conflict with their mother, and we had a bit of a tiff over this.

I’m just not sure where to stand on the matter and if he is in the wrong? Are there any mums on here who act as the primary single parent for a child? Is he wrong? Am I?

Their child is 2. They live around 2 hours away from each other.

I would be really careful about getting involved in this; either she is really unreasonable and happy to use her child and the relationship with their dad for her own financial gain which honestly will also make your life a nightmare.
Or:
Potentially he isn’t that bothered about seeing child more as realistically if he wanted to then he could pursue it through court which he will know full well.
Also if he earns £21K then he must be struggling to meet his living expenses by paying £400-700 per month so how will the effect your future?
Either way this has red flags all over it for me.

Curious how he survives when he takes home £1,500 a month and pays up to £700 in maintenance.

Red flags all over this.

Yeah I don't buy it for a second.

The two are in no way related. Money is agreed by CMS. If he wishes to contribute more good on him. Contact if it can't be agreed with the parents he goes to court.

Lots of questions here that have mainly been asked already.
I'd really be thinking about this and how I came to this point?
All sounds a bit dodgy

Well he needs to do something about the maintenance in any case. 400-700 per month on 21k means he doesn’t have enough money for himself.

Hi

I’ve spoken to her about this in the early stages (my concern with getting involved with a parent who doesn’t actually live in the same city as his child was that he might be a deadbeat). I did my homework before getting involved. He doesn’t have much money left afterwards, but he lives in his family home and is very lucky not to have to pay rent, bills etc. He just has to cover his own groceries. We’re both in our early twenties. When they were together, she fell pregnant by accident in the middle of them breaking and they were both quite young, hence why if I’m being honest he hasn’t been the most active parent visitation wise in the early years. There are records of emails between them confirming every payment so I’m not being led astray or being naive here, and as I said I have spoken to her. I partially understand where she’s coming from in that she has all these bills (rent, council tax, transport etc) that he doesn’t pay, plus she pays most of the costs for their child as the primary parent. But I also understand him saying he feels he can’t stretch much further. He has contacted a solicitor for that free meeting thing you get where they advise you but their coparenting relationship is already very tense (awful, awful relationship, cheating on his side - I know what that implies about his character, I do think he’s changed - and DV from hers) and I think his primary worry is going ahead and involving solicitors will worsen the communication. She has previously had a tendency to add stipulations to visits (some not totally unreasonable i.e. he must bring a box of nappies or some new toys or some food etc, some maybe slightly more unfair i.e. he had to have 10 sessions of therapy before seeing the child again after the cheating as it was indicative of “poor moral character”. This is all evidenced in emails and texts. Hope that context helps.

I would repeat my previous advice even with your update; have a look at the step parenting board to see what you’re getting into. Think very carefully about what you’re going to end up paying for when living together in this situation.

I’ve posted an update below regarding his outgoings.

Okay thank you. Do you think it’s a case of if he keeps overextending himself financially, it would be passed onto me?

Posted an update with more context as a reply below!

Firstly, children shouldn’t be ‘pay per view’ so I would be encouraging him to get a court order in place to formalise CMS and visitations.

Follow up - what will happen to the maintenance if you two live together? He won’t be able to afford to live on £800 without being heavily subsided by you. Potential cocklodger territory here.

I think you could end up in a situation where he can’t pay equally towards your joint outgoings such as rent and bills and you’ll end up picking up the cost or not being able to do what you want with your life. He won’t be living at home forever and you may want children of your own.
Really he needs to seek the legal advice you’ve spoken about and separate money from seeing his child rather than allow himself to be held to ransom; I say this from experience

Hi thank you so much for all the help on here. I did think it would be good to ask people with experience, particularly now we’re having more serious conversations about what our lives might look like in the next 2-3 years. We are planning on moving out of the city, but debating whether to move in together or into separate places (houseshare for me, studio for him as he’s conscious he wouldn’t want to have his daughter in an environment with unknown people, which is fair). Based on the replies, I think trialling a year living alone once I’ve graduated is probably the most sensible choice. I’d also like to stress he’s never ever asked me for money or anything. Our debate about him reducing his maintenance was more because I feel like as he isn’t actively parenting, it is hard to justify reducing his maintenance for the sole purpose of saving to move away with me/for holidays and dates etc? It just made me feel a bit icky? Am I overthinking this or is it wrong?

It’s a bit like, he’s been struggling with these payments a long time. His family are aware and have quite strong opinions on how much he is paying (they feel it’s too much). This might be because at times they’ve had to pick up the slack when he’s had emergency outgoings. To me, it just feel like now things are more serious with us and we are moving into more of a shared life, he is reducing the payments “for me” or “for us” or “for our life” and it doesn’t sit super well with me. I am a child of divorce (aha) with a bit of an absent dad so I also acknowledge I might be being too harsh on him rn. Thoughts?