DH is angry at my deceit

[catsarenicerthanpeople]

Hi,

In 2022 we hit a really difficult financial patch. We had a credit card debt that had defaulted and other overdue bills. Long story.

My DH was very very stressed over this and became almost totally ineffective in discussing solutions etc. I told DH that I would sort it and used some savings that I had to clear it. about 2 months later we had a massive car repair bill, followed by our 18 year boiling totally packing up. Yet again DH went into a tailspin and panicked etc.

At that point, I had no real savings left and was also worried. I spoke to my mum and she agreed to lend me 4k. I knew that DH would be very angry about me taking to mum, and borrowing money from her. I am not proud of this, but I lied to him and told him that I had taken a money transfer from a credit card.

About a week ago he found out. He saw my bank statement and it clearly showed the payment that I make to my mum. He is angry at me and says that I am deceitful. I know that I was wrong to lie, but I felt like I had no other option.

how do I make this right and regain his trust?

You should have felt able to tell him, that's on him for being angry over something he has no right to judge unless there is a back story re borrowing from your mum. Either way you got the two of you out of a shitty situation that he was no help with, he should be grateful.

He’s got a cheek considering he was happy to check out and leave you to it! You did what you had to and you sought support at a difficult time. He can jog on with his being cross about how you did it.

I wouldn’t apologise to be honest. Perhaps if he got his head out of his arse you could of come up with a solution you were both happy with. He left you to it and you dealt with it how you seen fit.

He sound immature and like someone who just checks out during a crisis, fingers in his ears and lalalala so you have to sort it. You fixed it the smartest way; a loan from your mum which saved you from any more interest or defaults, as your mum would be more understanding in you paying it back.

You did the right thing. If he cannot talk about finances and come to a solution then you don’t have much choice but to go to someone you trust and get help sorting it out. You’re paying it back, you’ve done nothing wrong. He needs to grow up because he should have been able to talk about this and help you sort it out. He checked out. He’s the one who owes you an apology for leaving you alone to fix this when you’re meant to be a partnership.

You’ve sorted a problem that he made and avoided. Instead of being able to discuss that with a life partner you had to borrow money's secretly from your mum. And now he’s angry. Why exactly? Deceit? He caused that by his behaviour. Are you afraid of him? Because it seems like you are.

Maybe he shouldn't have been such an ineffective arsehole then.

@catsarenicerthanpeople you have done nothing g wrong. Don't apologise or let him gaslight you.

Took 2 to rack up debt presumably but only 1 of you has decimated savings to repay it.

Why are you married to him?

About a week ago he found out. He saw my bank statement and it clearly showed the payment that I make to my mum. He is angry at me and says that I am deceitful
How did he see your credit card statement?

How are you getting in so much trouble? Why is his response always a bit shit? What is he doing to deal witb the costs and debt?

op, is it always you getting into debt for family costs?

whose name was the first credit card in?

Why are you describing your behaviour as deceitful?
you were firefighting because he is incapable of functioning as an equal adult and shouldering the joint financial responsibilities present in any similar relationship.

he ought to be looking at himself and what he did that caused this situation to arise. Not guilt tripping you for saving everyone’s arses.

Tell him next time he can sort it out his own - and magic up £4k out of his arse - and you'll get the 'luxury' of refusing to engage in conversation while someone else works out a solution.

Oooh no, he doesn’t get to abstain from basic adult stuff like keeping on top of finances then go for you when you’ve been the one sorting it all. He went into a tailspin did he? So he just decided not to deal with it and left you doing it alone. Not okay. The way he’s behaving now is even less okay.

Stop apologising!

So he left you to sort out the car bill
and a new boiler without him even bothering to give you any extra money to pay for it?

I mean, he could call you deceitful (I’d call it sorting something with no support) but is that any worse than being an unapproachable baby?

No way would I be apologising or trying to regain his trust.

He sounds totally ineffectual!
How were the debts incurred? What was his part in getting you both into this mess?
What was HIS plan to get it sorted - other than wailing and panicking ?

You were not deceitful. You were proactive and saved your/his bacon!

He's not someone to whom I'd want to hitch my wagon...

He sounds useless and instead of thanking you for finding a sensible solution he's angry with you. He needs to grow up and stop making you do all the finances on your own.

If you divorce him you'll never have to go through this bullshit again.

how do I make this right and regain his trust?

Wrong question entirely, OP. What you ought to be asking yourself is how do I make this man step up and take some equal responsibility for dealing with our financial affairs, rather then going into such a tailspin that to sort it out I have to resort to tapping DM for money?

Additional questions - why do I think I need to regain his trust? hasn't he let ME down by making it necessary for me to have to do that and what's he going to do to win MY trust that he's a capable adult?