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Original poster

Is it normal to leave will and pension to kids not wife?

31 replies

mummylon2 · 18/02/2024 22:09

I've been married for 15 years (together for 20). Most of that time I've been a sahm. We have two kids. We made a will 14 years ago when first child was born. My concern was who would be guardian should anything happen so I didn't really question it when my husband suggested all or our money/possessions be left to the child/future children. Silly I know but I just thought that's what everyone did.

Fast forward to him updating pension options at work when he drops in that it's in the kids name should he die. My question is, should I be worried/offended by this? Is this something everyone does? In the event of his death, I would effectively be penniless because I don't have any sole pension/savings etc.

He said it was because he assumed we would grow old. I'm not so sure, especially as we just watched my dad die in his late 60s. Has anyone else got an agreement that everything is left to the kids or is this completely off? Thanks

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 18/02/2024 22:11

My question is, should I be worried / offended by this?
yes. Extremely worried. And worried enough to discuss it firmly and have him change it. Marriage endingly worried.

Has he been paying into a pension for you while you have been raising his children?

Lizzieregina · 18/02/2024 22:12

Yeah, I’d be wanting that changed! I’m the primary beneficiary on my DH’s pension and that’s not even optional for him as long as we’re married. Our kids are secondary beneficiaries in the event we both expired at the same time!

TwylaSands · 18/02/2024 22:12

I didn't really question it when my husband suggested all or our money/possessions be left to the child/future children.
Does this mean after you both die?

GinGella · 18/02/2024 22:17

Yeah that's odd.I would be entirely uncomfortable. Do you have life insurance/critical illness that is why it is set up like this? My pension goes to my DH then the kids. The lump sum if I die while in service is split 50% to DH then 25% per DC. Unfortunately tomorrow is not promised and you could find yourself in a very tricky situation. I am worth more to my DH and DC dead than alive (monetary terms of course, I'm delightful 😬) and I wouldn't want it any other way.

momentumneeded · 18/02/2024 22:20

Completely off and potentially leaving you very vulnerable indeed. To put it in perspective, if you were to divorce, as a minimum, you would be entitled to 50% of all pensions you hold between you, even if they are all in his name. Equality of income in retirement is one of the key provisions in divorce law, especially where there is income disparity due to one person assuming childcare responsibilities. This came as a shock to my ex!

It would be a red flag for me unless he was putting the same amounts into a private pension for you (in your name) whilst you have not been earning and/ or he has life cover payable to you in the event of his death. Are you up to date with NI contributions at least so you have the chance to get a state pension? Please, please look after your interests and get legal advice on this.

Overthebow · 18/02/2024 22:20

Yes very worried. You will be left without a pension if your DH dies before you.

Wishthiswasntmypost · 18/02/2024 22:23

DH and I have mirror wills leaving everything to the DC. However we are both financially independent with own similar pensions so don't need anything. If you are dependent on him you need to sort this

naranjajuice · 18/02/2024 22:28

This is really odd behaviour on his part. Have another talk with him, ask him directly ‘so how do you envisage I would cope and continue to raise the children if you were to die tomorrow?’ Then see what he says. If he gives you some waffle just calmly repeat the question a little more slowly.

TheaBrandt · 18/02/2024 22:32

No it’s weird. The law agrees - spousal exemption for inheritance tax if you leave your estate to a spouse on first death. Also if you don’t provide for a spouse in your will they can make a claim on your estate and they will succeed.

InsidiousRasperry · 18/02/2024 22:39

I don’t think it’s that weird. From an IHT planning point of view it makes sense to pass assets down asap, although pensions are usually exempt anyway.

Nellieinthebarn · 18/02/2024 22:43

You would be financially better off if you divorced and got half of the marital assets including the house and his pension. This might need to be pointed out.

StSwithinsDay · 18/02/2024 22:47

We have mirror wills. If I die, dh gets everything. If he dies I get everything. If we both die (within 30 days of each other) our children get everything.

JaneAustensHeroine · 18/02/2024 22:47

Whatever your earning power, your DH’s pension and money should be left to you unless you both die together. You have no idea what might happen to you should your husband die or what you might need.

This happened to a neighbour of mine - their child was left money and property in her husband’s will to the extent that the child was actually more wealthy than she was. She struggled in the remaining years of her life, continuing to work to maintain her home and car. It took a massive toll on her health.

Original poster
mummylon2 · 19/02/2024 07:44

Thanks for all the advice. I had a big chat about it with him. Said he just automatically added the children to pension as that's similar to what we have in wills. The fact he might go before me is obviously not something he considers so I put that right in his head.

I am sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy and death in service policy. He changes his pension last night to me instead of the kids. Our wills state that 50% of house goes to the children in the event of either of us going but I am looking through all of it today to make sure I'm happy with it. It hadn't even I occoured to him that if he went suddenly and the kids are under 18 that everything for them would be tied up. I'm obviously hoping we grow in to old age together but after the last year or two that ive had, I can't take it as a given and need to be realistic. I need to also look in to my stamps and pension today.

One last question, should I be named jointly on bills? I'm not on any bills apart from joint names on council tax. Should I he on electric/water etc? I'm named driver on car insurance but car usually in his name. About to buy a new one, should that be in joint names?

Thanks

OP posts:
makeanddo · 19/02/2024 08:19

I don't think this is weird as long as it is discussed.

One thing to point out is that if you leave everything to your DH, or he to you, then if he remarries or changes his will then your children could miss out. There's always threads in this in MN!

So I would be looking I protect myself but also ensuring my children are protected.

GOODCAT · 19/02/2024 08:26

Don't leave a share of the house to the kids. The survivor will need it if they ever want to move. If your kids decide they want their share (or their future spouses lean on them for it) or their creditors do you could find yourself having to buy again with just your own share.

There is no need to be on the utilities. They are just debts, so better not to be.

guitarpluckingchicken · 19/02/2024 08:44

I would advise putting your name onto utility bills to make it easier for you to deal with them should the need ever arise ie he is in a car accident and in hospital you need to be able to contact the utility company for whatever reason. They won't speak to you as the account isn't in your name. I think it is only the water board that has 1 name on an account but that may have changed. Make sure you have access to finances should your Dh be hospitalised. I am the named beneficiary for all of Dh's pension/death in service etc. Don't assume death comes much later in life, my lovely friend died just before 40 from sepsis.

I wouldn't have any part of the house going to your children, why is he doing this? This means they could stop you selling or take you to court to sell to release their money from the house. Don't assume your children will be lovely about it, when money is involved claws come out. You can always go together to get financial advice on what would be the best for your situation.

A car has a registered keeper which is one person and for the best insurance it needs to be the same as the main driver.

bombastix · 19/02/2024 08:47

Yes I would be concerned. Overall, would you say you have a good relationship? A partner will not usually want to see a long term partner go without in the event of their death.

Newmum738 · 19/02/2024 08:51

I'd say he probably just isn't thinking! It should be spouse and then kids. I'm having difficulties at the minute because step kids think they should have had something but it has all gone to my Dad's wife as it should do!

FictionalCharacter · 19/02/2024 09:04

It is absolutely not normal to leave everything to your kids and nothing to your wife, unless perhaps you're both independently wealthy. By default the spouse inherits. He really didn't think this through. The whole point of a will is that any of us could die at any time, not just in old age. And even if he lived to 85, you could live for another 10 years. What did he think you'd live on?

It's incredible that he didn't want you to have his pension. Pension schemes talk about a "spouse's pension" should the holder of the pension die, it's the norm.

Musicaltheatremum · 19/02/2024 09:39

mummylon2 · 19/02/2024 07:44

Thanks for all the advice. I had a big chat about it with him. Said he just automatically added the children to pension as that's similar to what we have in wills. The fact he might go before me is obviously not something he considers so I put that right in his head.

I am sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy and death in service policy. He changes his pension last night to me instead of the kids. Our wills state that 50% of house goes to the children in the event of either of us going but I am looking through all of it today to make sure I'm happy with it. It hadn't even I occoured to him that if he went suddenly and the kids are under 18 that everything for them would be tied up. I'm obviously hoping we grow in to old age together but after the last year or two that ive had, I can't take it as a given and need to be realistic. I need to also look in to my stamps and pension today.

One last question, should I be named jointly on bills? I'm not on any bills apart from joint names on council tax. Should I he on electric/water etc? I'm named driver on car insurance but car usually in his name. About to buy a new one, should that be in joint names?

Thanks

Re bills. Shell energy refused to allow a second name on the account. I tried to add my husband recently. Which reminds me I must try and get him on the broadband bill. More for proof of address than anything else.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/02/2024 09:46

When my dad was dying we had to call all the energy companies etc to get my mum's name put on the accounts. Every single one of them wanted to speak to him. It was really awful. Far better to do it now.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/02/2024 09:54

It’s great to make these arrangements now.

It’s also right to consider leaving things to the children, but with the surviving spouse having and interest in the house/being able to stay til their death. If you leave your half of the house to the children, no one can effectively disinherit the children with a second marriage.

It’s possible for all your money to go to a new spouse and none to your DC.

Leaving some to the kids is sensible, as long as the surviving partner has enough.

DH’s pension is left to the DC.
We are about to change our will about the house and money with that in mind. Not because we’re planning on remarrying no way in a million years will I do it again but just in case.

JaneAustensHeroine · 19/02/2024 10:14

Agree with @guitarpluckingchicken on the following:
I wouldn't have any part of the house going to your children, why is he doing this? This means they could stop you selling or take you to court to sell to release their money from the house. Don't assume your children will be lovely about it, when money is involved claws come out.

This happened to my neighbour. The house was split between her and her daughter. The daughter lived overseas but my neighbour could not sell the property without her engagement / permission. Given that it was my neighbour who lived in the house and had lived there for many, many years, the situation was ludicrous. She was desperate to move somewhere smaller but was not able to. Likewise, daughter could have put pressure on her mother to sell when the mother didn’t want this.

You need full control of your property OP. Your children aren’t contributing to the property and can receive their inheritance when the second parent dies. Until then you need security.

Some utility companies only want one person on the bill. Drives me completely nuts.

TempleOfBloom · 19/02/2024 10:24

I think lots of people make Wills thinking of the far distant future when you are elderly, kids independent etc.

But really we should think about the next 5 or so years. And then update as circumstances change.

As someone who brought a lot of equity to our house and then paid half the extra mortgage for 20 years, I have left my share of the house to the Dc. I have seen too many men (fathers of my friends) re-marry a younger woman, leave everything to her, and for her to not leave anything to his kids….even to go on to marry another man taking the original woman money with her.

This might change as we advance in age and circumstances change.