Not enough income

[ivise]

Would that bother you if your partner doesn't earn enough to have a comfortable life ?

My DH earns a lot less than me, pretty much minimum wage. He works to live and doesn't particularly care about a career although he is very bright.

He also reduced his hours temporarily when our DS was a baby to allow me to study and work while he managed childcare. He does pretty much all the housework. I do all the "wifework admin". He happily moved across the country to support my career and if I said tomorrow I wanted to drop my hours or change my job he would say "ok, how do we make it work?".

That works for us, we are both happy. I love my career and he likes to be able to go to work and come home without having to think about work. He is tidier than me but I am better at organising. We support each other, which of us owns a penis doesn't matter much.

But what works for us won't work for everyone. People need to find their own balance.

my ex was older than me and on a low income. we could never do anything together. i always wondered why he didn't want more for himself. it was a turn off.

coudn't travel because he couldn't afford it
never paid on date nights because he couldn't afford it
couldn't take days off because he couldn't afford unpaid time off from work
no savings
if i wanted to do a joint mortgage, he would have no money to put down and too low of a salary for a joint mortgage to be beneficial.

now could you imagine bringing a child into this? definitely not the quality of life i'd want for myself.

i look at a lot of people older than me who have settled and now struggling to pay off their mortgage (on a 2 person income at that), living paycheck to paycheck, can't afford to send their kids on a nice school trip, can't buy their kids the latest new thing, the only family holiday they can afford is going somewhere up north or down south. some of us don't want to end up like this. so does income matter, YES.

i know some men are happy with not being breadwinners, but it is very odd to me.

don't forget money is the leading reason for divorce.

In my house DH and I are both responsible for money, childcare, housework and everything else. Sometimes one of us takes to hit (maternity for me) and sometimes the other (lockdown for him).

The issue in your house is that you think women have one role and men have another and he's not doing the man's role. What's obvious, though is that he isn't doing either. You're doing the home, the child, the work, the providing. And yes, that's shit.

Are you talking about all this?

This story is ringing a bell.

it's an absolute disgrace your partner wasn't able to provide while you were pregnant. was he not ashamed?

this is a cautionary tale, especially to young ladies who earn a good living and want to maintain a good quality of life with a partner included. income does matter. y

As a man he should earn more??? It’s 2024! Earn more yourself if it bothers you.

Why can't you work extra?

I'm not sure it matters for me as I wouldn't mind working FT and have good earring potential (financial services), but in that case I'd have wanted them to be a (very full on) SAHP/house husband so that I could fully focus on work and max out my earnings. I wouldn't have been that happy for someone to be working on a low wage which is a wash with childcare and then we're both doing housework and car insurance at weekends.

I know a lot of people think this would be awful, but I agree with a pp in that it's kind of horses for courses. Different arrangements can work for different couples- it's the joint understanding, and pooling your strengths, and equal workloads.

@Flottie
Ok than , I might as well be single because what is he bringing to the table , just going to his low income job and coming home ,and yet nothing , I am here running like lunatic , covering holidays sickness and pick ups and drop offs plus working full time because he can't bend his hrs for low paid job , no thanks
What is the point in that ?
Why can't he change his job to fit daughter, so I can work more , why can he have all the freedom and not do better ????? Like why. ,how is that much to ask ?

@WithACatLikeTread I am working as much as I can that works with his work times and daughters nursery

yeah- that’s kind of what I’m saying. The problem isn’t that he earns less. It’s that overall he doesn’t pull his weight. And yes, I wouldn’t be with someone whose job was low paid but which also had hours and unpredictability which affected my earning ability and had me picking up more than half the childcare.

If he’s earning so little and you are part time have you checked you can’t get UC to help with childcare?

My ex used to work 20 hours a week (a few years ago so about £650 a month), and the only thing he paid for was internet and phones - which then he saw as having the right to restrict me on. I worked overtime to pay for everything, did all the housework and juggled childcare arrangements as he wouldn't even do a school run. I would never be in that position again.

@daffodilandtulip omg that sounds dreadful, I am glad you out of there

You chose to have a child with this guy and then act all surprised and resentful when he remains the same instead of magically transforming into super-partner/dad. He sounds like a waste of space but I assume he must have had some good characteristics that made you think you should start a family with him. You might be better off on your own not least because then at least you’ll know you can only rely on yourself rather than permanently being angry that he’s not morphed into something different.

@LaPalmaLlama exactly, I want him to at least try to get a different job that includes all those things

OP your partner doesn't sound like he brings much to table and isn't pulling his weight. But as to your original question I have always made sure I earned enough to have a decent standard of living. I would not look to a partner to provide that for me as I wouldn't like to be financially dependent on someone. However I wouldn't choose a partner who was skint as I'd have to pay for everything. I also wouldn't choose a partner who didn't pull his weight with housework etc. I have no issue with sahms or dads if that's what they've agreed as a couple but not one person doing everything.

Why is he only paying £500?

We chuck our money in a joint pot and split or save what's left.

@ivise so you chose to have a child with someone who can't afford one.
You chose to have a child knowing you can't afford child care or to stay at home.???