Moving in together (buying together) with salary differences

[LoveRules]

No idea how to design our new life together ahead of being married when obviously there'll be a shared pot and joint decisions on where it is saved or spent.

I earn around three times more than he does, he works as a teacher and in long school the expectation is that he will either spend time renovating house, cars or earning extra cash with his amazing skills.

We think we should start as being tennants in common with my share being the lions share and over time his percentage increases (say every five years)

But in the meantime how do we pay for meals and holidays and things I think are important vs what he thinks is important.

I used to be a YNAB evangelist but have let my usage slides. I think we should both ring fence a percentage of our own earnings as pocket money to spend on our favourite things.

At the moment he is keener than I am to eat out but I seem to be the one who coughs up when the bill comes (cos I know he's skint) but he would rather save on holidays by taking our combined kids camping where I'd prefer to book a nice house.

How the hell do we form the guidelines as to how we maximise harmony and minimise hard feelings?

I am the higher earner also and my personal guidelines is that people should invest in what’s important to them, so if you are unbothered by eating out but he insists on doing so, then he should be the one paying for the meals (obviously within reason and you too should pick up the tab every once in a while), if you want to rent a house vs going camping then the same thinking apply and you should pay for the upgrade.

All in all you should have a budget with which you are both comfortable about meals out/holidays etc… then anyone who wants to go above that should pay for it themselves.

I pay for a lot more things because I would rather do the things than save the money but also understand that they would rather save money if they don’t have much than pay for something that might seem frivolous if you don’t earn much, so in those cases I am happy to pay for the upgrades/invite but oppositely when things are affordable they tend to pick up the tab.

Good ideas many thanks

If I understand correctly, you don't have any shared children and don't currently live together. But you're considering buying a place?
Who does the bulk of the childcare and housework?

Ordinarily, with children involved all in one pot. But this situation is different because the kids don't seem shared, and he's already showing cocklodger tendencies. If he saved money by camping then he can pay for the meals out, can't he? Why is everything his way on your dime?

Work out a budget for what you, as a family, need. Split in proportion to your earnings with you paying slightly more. Then, work out the 'wants', pay in according to who suggests it as PP said.

Sorry to say but it's us women who pick up most domestic responsibilities even when we're the higher earners. That's why as a higher earner I'm leery of sharing with a lower earning man. If your DP isn't like this press ahead.

Protecting inheritance …
this question is asked in the context of my marriage, with two young children, where my husband has left twice in the last two years for periods of about 6 months. He earns more, savings are in his name only, and I don’t in general trust his financial decision making.
given the above my uncle (unmarried/ no kids) and mother both from whom I stand to inherit, don’t want to give any money to us in the shorter term that he could ‘get his hands on’ and are clearly worried about what will happen to inheritance when they pass.
My question is, can I protect against this? My thoughts are elf if I invested in property in my name only if I inherited, the n used income to fund eg holidays/ a pension/ school fees, and kept it separate from the family money, would it be protected if we separate again and for good? Obviously it gives me the control I need in the shorter term as well.

@stardustbiscuits why on earth are you letting this man make the decision about your marriage? He's coming and going and your family clearly don't trust him an inch. Neither should they. Why let him make the decisions? You have children together and he thinks the savings belong to him? A solicitor would tell him otherwise.

Apologies I posted this on someone else’s thread in error!

Stardustbiscuits
You need legal advice asap. Don't trust a website full of random people. Get proper, official advice and get everything signed, sealed and watertight.

@LoveRules Is he the father of your children? - it's not clear from your post if you both have children from previous relationships.

If you don't have any children together (and perhaps even if you do!) - my advice would be to buy your own house in your sole name. Charge him rent and board to live there. This way your disposable incomes will then be more balanced.
Set up a joint savings account for spending on leisure activities and holidays to which you both contribute equally (one with no credit facilities).

In the event of things not working out in the future, you will continue to have the security of your property for yourself and your own children. You will also be less likely to feel resentment at contributing more because your greater input will be utilised on your own property. Any inheritance for your children will be protected.

There is no benefit to you at all in combining finances beyond this.

I don't think marrying is in your interests at all. Why do you want to marry, just because it's romantic and traditional? Your home then becomes a joint asset whoever owns what share when unmarried.
You need a declaration of trust before buying that you'll get your deposit back and then you share out the rest of the equity according to the percentage of the mortgage you paid. Or you buy a very cheap home on his budget and do it half half.

I would suggest you see a couples therapist and draw up and cohabitation agreement

Sorry for not being clear. Yes we both have children from previous relationships. Mine are 21 and 16 living at home. The 16 year old will head to university in two years and the 21 year old likely unable to live anywhere other than with us. His kids are 18 and 13 and he shares 50:50 custody.

We are buying a house together where his share as tennant in common will grow over time.

My view was that we pool income but keep a percentage back for our own savings, spending, kids but the main pool is for mortgage, car repairs, food, holidays, Christmas etc.

My view was that we pool income but keep a percentage back for our own savings, spending, kids but the main pool is for mortgage, car repairs, food, holidays, Christmas etc.

Financially, there is no advantage for you in doing this but many drawbacks and pitfalls, both small scale (as you are already discovering) and large scale further down the line.
Keep it simple. Keep the house separate.

Thanks @seekingasimplelife I'm not sure why it would be better for me to buy a house and charge him rent. We are buying a house big enough for our combined families with our combined incomes. We can only do that as a partnership and want to be equals in our relationship not have a power struggle as a landlord/tennant!

He is a brilliant gifted carpenter and plumber so has grand plans of renovating and adding features during his holidays which will add pleasure and value.

I'm trying to figure out the ways of managing the two income streams in a fair but loving way.

Just have a conversation and decide together surely? We cover everything proportional to our income so for example if one earns £100k and the other 25k it's 75/25 holidays we split 50/50 and anything we buy for the house. Anything left over is our own. We don't keep joint savings as individually we are quite solvent so I'd we need a new boiler for example we would pay half each. Same as you, no joint kids.

here is your problem

At the moment he is keener than I am to eat out but I seem to be the one who coughs up when the bill comes

All things are surmountable if you are on the same page and have the same values

when my DH and I bought I earned 3x him and now I earn 2x

we have the same values around money and value and shared life goals / shared plan on how to reach those things.
none of that involved going to restaurants he expected me to foot the bill for 🧐

'Thanks @seekingasimplelife I'm not sure why it would be better for me to buy a house and charge him rent'.
Because you are the higher earner and do not share similar financial goals. You are at risk of becoming financially vulnerable and exploited - either consciously or by irresponsibility with money on the part of your DP.

'We can only do that as a partnership and want to be equals in our relationship not have a power struggle as a landlord/tennant!'
This is already not an equal partnership, but you are swallowing your resentment and coughing up. Increasing financial joint commitments will exacerbate the trend but you will have less incentive to speak up because there will be more to lose.. It will become the default setting in your relationship (as it seems to be at the moment).

Attitudes to money are some of the most ingrained and difficult to change, even with the most focused commitment - your DP is showing no signs of that.

In stark terms: he may be a brilliant handyman but it will not make him financially responsible and it may mean he feels even more entitled to expect you to sub him and his children financially because of his practical contribution.