Really upset and worried about money.

[NannyMogg]

I recently married GrandadMogg after he retired (we have had a longstanding relationship living in different cities during our working lives). He has debts and is still overspending. Illness/disability is a factor. I'm not sure he accepts he has seriously impaired judgement with money. On top of ASD I wonder if there are the first signs of dementia.

I am not a paragon of thrift but just about float not sink. I don't want to post lots of personal potentially identifying information as I have family members on MN.

I am talking about small sums. Making up a scenario which sort of illustrates the problem:
I have paid off the mortgage on my small home where we now live together. We currently have £200 per week after housing costs. In 6 months I will get a small pension of about £50 per week.

The overspending includes regularly coming home clutching an irresistible antique lampshade/bit of tech/random thing that cost £50 -£100. Often something he already owns a similar or exact one of already.

GrandadMogg retired early due to a serious health condition and has a very small pension. He has been building up debts partly justified by 'I might be dead in a year'. This is possible but he also might not be dead in 10 years.

I have full time care responsibilities for another relative, carers allowance and a part time job (earning over £139 per week would mean losing £76 carers allowance). We plan to move home nearer to relative which is a cheaper area and could then increase income by having a lodger. I was earning more until recently but my relative's care needs have increased substantially. GrandadMogg often keeps my relative company (though not able to do practical care) which they both enjoy.

He is a person with many lovely qualities. Money management is a blind spot.

What can I do to get things on track and keep them there? I feel sure someone somewhere has an answer, please help me find it.

I like YNAB for budgetting - it links to your accounts / cards and brings in all transactions.

You enter your expected income for the month and then assign it ALL to spends. So you would have a category for "DHs Crap"!! He could top up that fund as pp have suggested by selling stuff? But ultimately when it's gone it's gone

Maybe if he was part of dishing out the income and seeing where it has to go, he'd be less inclined to hit the "fuck it" button - but I'm doubtful

Ultimately, I think YNAB would be your tool as the Money Policeman

I'm not sure that marriage instantly pools assets in a simple way.

I understand that we are now each other's 'closest relative' but I'm not sure about the reality of my husband making major life decisions for me. My experience of this with elderly family members is that it's not necessarily simple. Married people can make Powers of Attorney, it's not required that you name your spouse.

I like your co-pilot analogy and, when I was a lot younger, it's what I hoped for. I know people who have this kind of marriage.

It doesn't fit all marriages though.

We are more like the little family run garden centre down the road than an aeroplane. There are three or four family members and a few part timers. People have different strengths and specialisms. No one person could do every role. There is room for someone who is wonderful with plants, patient with elderly customers but couldn't do the accounts to save their life.

I don't think my husband will magically recover from his disabilities so will always require help and support. To use your aeroplane analogy, he has needed a team of co-pilots and crew to keep his own aeroplane on course.

I'm not absolutely sure what you had in mind when you said 'unhitch' 😁 he's doing a great job with the kettle and in flight entertainment though.

I do think Alvin Hall is good and was inspired by his TV shows years ago. Martin Lewis (Money Saving Expert) is great and the debt forums on his site are a great source of support and good advice.

Can you use spreadsheets (eg Excel or Google Sheets?) I can send you a budget template I use if it's helpful? It's good to have all your income and outgoings written down in a sheet; then you can tick off items as there are paid through the month. I also pay a monthly set amount to a separate bills account so I don't have a 'difficult' month when the water bill needs paying for example.

If you are clear on your budget, you can then see how much you have for discretionary spends (and show him and get him on board). Once you get into the swing of it, budgeting and paying down debt can be very satisfying. He needs to get on board though.

Marrying someone with debt at any age is not great but when older it means a bad attitude to money is harder to change. It would have been more sensible to just live together. Have you made a will post marriage to protect the inheritance of anyone you care for? Marriage invalidates any will you already had and the intestancy rules would apply. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/#:~:text=When%20a%20person%20dies%20without,is%20called%20an%20intestate%20person.

Try and get him to keep to a budget and spending n a credit card is silly. Can you freeze it (block of ice in the freezer until he pays off debts so there for emergencies) or get his credit limit reduced?

@NannyMogg I take your point about different types of marriages.
Your relationship sounds lovely, and it seems as if you bring each other happiness.

But this is not why you posted - it's in your heading:
Upset and worry about money.

You're in a legally binding contract, that is essentially based on the issue of wealth and money, inheritance, property, other assets and liabilities.
It's interesting that you've given thoughtful, reflective replies in your posts, but dodged the query 'why did you get married?' All the things you enjoy and value about your relationship did not seem to require it.

Remaining legally coupled to someone who is financially irresponsible will mean you are likely to be paying for the consequences for a very long time.

To all who responded - Thank you! 💐

This thread has helped me in a very concrete way. I started it because I felt really bad about my financial situation and didn't know who to talk to or where to go for help. I've been offered really practical steps, sources of information and places to go for advice and I'm truly grateful.

I had a long chat with my husband, I don't expect everything to be fixed instantly. We are both trying to be kind and not defensive about each other's anxieties.

Its not unusual that posting a problem leads to responses like "why did you get into that problem?" and "I would never have that problem"
It's good to reflect and be challenged!

Despite genuinely trying to I can't find a way to explain why I decided to marry without revealing potentially identifying information.

Good luck finding a way forward.
I am slightly reminded of my late uncle - his second wife divorced him after a relatively short marriage IIRC, mainly to protect herself financially. They remained close but it was a better way to have a relationship the way he was with money. Hopefully you will not need to do the same.