Relationship breakdown - advice please

[Cudz]

So my DP told me that he wants to separate. We aren't married but have a joint mortgage (property value of approx 220k with a remaining mortgage of 40k, so approx 180k equity between us) as well as approx 30k in savings. In addition to this our son who is 11 has 30k in savings gifted from relatives over his lifetime. This is all very new and has come as a shock so I obviously will seek legal advice over the coming weeks once I've begun to process things but can anyone give me an overview of my financial standing please? Can he make me sell the house for his equity share? Does he have any entitlement to our DS's savings? Initial talks are that DS will stay with me for the vast majority of time (due to his shift pattern and also the distance he will have to move away temporarily to stay with family so he isn't living in our home) and that we both want things to be as amicable as possible for the sake of our son. I work full time and earn 27k a year so not exactly big money but I could just about scrape by each month if I can stay in this house and take over the mortgage as long as he pays maintenance like he says he will (approx £200 per month based on government estimates). All advise welcome. My mind is blown and I'm sure some of you lovely ladies who've been through similar will have words of wisdom for me. Thanks so so much!

He can only make you sell the house if you can't afford to buy him out - so I'd look into how you can raise the funds to purchase his part of the house from him.
Are your son's savings separate from your own? If they're in his own bank account, they'll be fine - but if not you'll likely need to prove they're savings he's been gifted.

My ds's savings are in a premium bonds account in his own name so are they safe? I thought if I had ds majority of the time he can't make me leave the home until ds is 18 at which point I'd sell the house and give him his equity share? There's absolutely no way I'd be able to raise the finances for his 90k house share now as a single parent on just 27k a year. I obviously understand that he's entitled to 50% of our joint 30k savings

Your son's savings are nothing to do with the marital property, they are his property and cannot be touched.

It sounds like ideally you would buy him out as yes he can force the sale, obviously you would hope he would be prepared to compromise on a buy out.

Oh really that's scary then. From a quick Google I assumed he couldn't force a sale until my ds was 18 as I will have pretty much full time custody of him and a property order could be put in place until he turns 18 at which point I would need to sell to give him his equity share. Jesus this is awful

No, this is a mesher order and I've only ever seen these if you were married and getting divorced. I'm not even sure you can have one without being married. Even then, courts prefer a clean break. It can also be seen as unfair that your ex has to wait X amount of years before he's able to get on the property ladder again, and courts don't tend to like keeping people financially linked unless necessary.

You need legal advice regarding what the law will say if he fights you on anything.

It is perfectly reasonable however to make a proposal and see if he will accept it. For example, you could take over the full mortgage payments and agree that you will buy him out at a set point in time - ie by selling the house once the child was a certain age. You would have to agree whether he would get 50% of the value at that point. If necessary, to help buy a house now, you could suggest that he takes the full amount of your joint savings, and your share is then offset against the sale of the house in due course. Or even that you keep the house and he keeps the savings, full stop - after all, you're ALSO going to be your child's only carer.

Alternatively, as you have a relatively small amount outstanding on the mortgage, it might actually be possible to remortgage, I'm not sure.

Think about what you would like and would feel is the most fair, and then go from there.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug there is no marriage. Hence the post.
As you've chosen to not be married, the only things to sort are the house, child maintenance, the finances you share, and co-parenting.

A solicitor can advise on the property.

I know I need to seek legal advice but my brain can't process that right now as I need to put the focus on my ds and ensuring he gets through this with as minimal damage as possible. My ds has suffered mental health issues in the past so this is going to hit him like a tonne of bricks and then for the possibility he might have to move out of his home on top of his dad leaving just worried me so so much. What a nightmare this is 😥

It's very unlikely that you'll be allowed to keep living in the house for 7 years, sitting on his share of it and just paying the mortgage, unfortunately.

Hanging onto £90,000 worth of his assets whilst he walks away with nothing but a long wait until he can start again is really unreasonable. £200 a month for maintenance suggests he's not a high earner, so he'll need his share of the house to re-home himself.

@Hatty65 yes I understand your point. I wonder if I could get into a position where maybe I can speak with family to try and raise a bulk of money say around 35k to negotiate with him for now until the later house sale when ds is say 16 or 18 (all drawn up legally so he still gets an equal share minus the 35k at that point) and that in addition to his 15k share of savings would give him 50k to walk away with now? Honestly this all makes me feel so so sick to my stomach

The problem is that he probably won't be able to get a mortgage while he's currently on the family home's mortgage, meaning that 50k is going to sit there for however many years getting spent on rent. Which is again, unfair, and probably not something most people would accept.

I would see if family are willing to help raise money you could pay a lump sum off the mortgage to get to a point where the bank lets you remortgage the rest on your own?

Who’s account are the joint savings in?
if it’s his name only get your half into your own account now as you have no recourse over them.

@hellojelly sorry if I wasn't clear. At the point I give him the payoff I would take sole responsibility for the mortgage so he has that extra money per month and have something drawn up legally to say he would get his remaining share when I sell when ds is 18. That's what I'm hoping and thinking anyway

If your son has savings that might affect your ability to get Universal Credit.

@Dontwanttobefatanymore they are actually in my name because they are in premium bonds which don't allow joint accounts. I would be honest about this though and still give him his entitlement to these

Yes but I'm assuming you mean responsible for paying the current mortgage and not remortgaging to remove him entirely? While his name is on the mortgage he'll struggle to get his own, even if you're paying they will still take it into account with his affordability so he's stuck renting.

@hellojelly I don't actually know as clearly i don't know enough about it all. I'm just throwing out all of the thoughts consuming my brain until I can get to the point of seeking some kind of legal advice. I'm not out to fleece him (despite what he's done to me) and i agree he should get back what hes paid in but in my head I just need some kind of basic understanding to know how financially screwed I'm going to be!

I understand, I'm just trying to provide some insight. You're unmarried so if he wants to force the sale he can, whether he does or not is different but from his point of view if he's still named on the mortgage he won't get his own. I'd be looking at whether you could remortgage by yourself to give him his equity as a first step, if you're sure you want to stop in the house.

Thanks @hellojelly I appreciate your knowledge. Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to afford to remortgage for his amount no. I could probably stretch to 10k extra maximum (if I increase the mortgage length too) but not his whole share. And then obviously whayever financial payout i could work out with family too. He says he wants to be amicable (as do i) but I appreciate things change in these situations. So so much to work out. I know these things move slowly though so hopefully in the time it takes for all the legal workings out I'll win a million on premium bonds and all of my financial worries will be gone 🙏

Mesher orders used to be common when women were SAHM and had no significant income to purchase their own home, hence allowing them to stay in the marital home for the wellbeing of any children. In this day and age, with most women working unless their health prevents it, Mesher orders are rarely used.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

1. Your son's savings are his own and as long as they are in his own name they are irrelevant to you and your partner in your case.

1. You will be entitled to CMS as you already know.

1. You need to be aware that a bank may not allow you to remortgage alone if you're relying on CMS payments as well as a salary to repay the mortgage. Even if your mortgage is only 40k. I don't want this to come as a shock to you so better to be aware of it now as it catches many people out. I'm seeing it more and more due to the cost of living.

1. You weren't married so you won't be able to stay in the house until your DS is of age. You will very likely either be made to sell the house or pay your partner his half. Its only fair that your partner can use his half of the equity to buy a new property to house your son when he has him. It's not fair to ask him to wait. I think you might be better looking at the housing market to see what else is out there so you know what to expect. It's really tough but I always tell clients to try and put aside any sentimental feelings they have for their homes.

1. The most important information you need is that you should not, under any circumstance, spend or squirrel away his half of the savings in your premium bonds. I see this a lot and it ALWAYS means a far far worse financial settlement for the holder of the joint savings as they've been seen to be dishonest. You would be better handing them over earlier rather than later so you can show you have intended to be amicable from the begining.

Also could anyone help with the remortgage aspect please? So the house is probably worth 230k currently and we owe 40k meaning there is approx 190k equity in the house as it stands. If I remortgage how does this work? I'd take out his 90k meaning I would be left with a mortgage outstanding of 130k (made up of the current 40k outstanding balance plus the 90k I've given to ex dp). So I'd have a mortgage of 130k? Is that right? Then if i could raise money from family of say 30k I could take that off the balance leaving me with 100k mortgage? Is that right?

I've been in your shoes unfortunately and in my experience it soon turned sour when things didn't out the way my ex expected. I hope it isn't the case for you but I do think, looking back, it is worth preparing for the worst instead of relying on his goodwill for the next X amount of years. You will also need to consider, even if he allowed you to stay in the house until your child is 18 you'd have to remortgage into your sole name at that point to pay him his equity which would probably be considerably more than now given house price increases. Is that actually feasible? Because if you're going to always struggle to remortgage on your own then you'd be looking at selling down the line anyway.

Maybe you could float the idea of staying there for 12/24 months to ease this big adjustment for your child, with a view to selling and then renting/buying something smaller when the dust has settled.

Basically yes, but you'd need to pass the affordability tests for the mortgage as well, so that's dependent on your earnings/debt etc.