DH financial doom mongering

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Hi guys,

DH and I both work full time in education both in senior roles- similar salaries etc.

DH is constantly acting as though we’re on the breadline and we really aren’t!! Our outgoings are high - we have 4 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats!! But we’re ok.

Today he is stressing as he’s worked out that half of our joint take home pay goes on bills and essential spends. I think that’s ok!the other half is for us to use on non-essentials, or to save etc.

I suggested going for a coffee earlier as we were in town. He didn’t want to as “we can’t keep wasting money like that”. I’m all for being cautious to not overspend but this is ridiculous.

AIBU??

Today he is stressing as he’s worked out that half of our joint take home pay goes on bills and essential spends

Has this suddenly changed? Why is he stressed about it now in particular?

YANBU.

Have you had a proper chat with him about money? Is your mortgage due to go up soon or something?

YANBU hope that helps!

What is he concerned about?

Is it the future and how you will afford potentially supporting 4 dc through uni?

Has he been thinking about when you can both afford to retire?

Is he what to save for a treat? - special holiday, new car?

Yanbu. My dh is a lot like this. We are ok financially (not well off but absolutely not struggling). We have savings and pension funds. We are able to save each month. Yet he keeps on about how we should “cut down” when we don’t need to and frankly can’t. We live very frugally, and I’m not willing to have a poor living standard just because he has a strange anxiety about money.

I earn more than dh and at least he can’t stop me spending my money on things I want and he thinks are “too expensive” even if it means he grumps about it. For perspective, I mean things like a new toaster to replace one that’s years old and doesn’t work properly, not champagne and diamonds.

TBH in my case I think there will be a showdown at some point. For dh I’m certain it’s a blend of anxiety and habits he picked up from his father, who is appallingly stingy despite being well off. But it isn’t how I want to live and I’m not willing to spend my retirement “cutting down” and wishing I could spend a few quid on going out or keeping the house reasonably warm.

maybe his job is giving hints of cash flow issues/redundancies?

I dunno, maybe he's had enough of a stressful job and is looking at ways to reduce his hours as he ages, or even retire a bit earlier. One way of doing this is to cut down on spending and use that money to save and invest instead.

In that situation I think I'd use one wage to live on and the other to save and use for nice things like holidays.

I’m wondering why people go on about university costs, am I being optimistic but does it really cost more than childcare?
If you are paying childcare for 4 children, mortgage and all bills, and still managing to have 50% left then you are doing really well.

Are you sure he doesn’t have debt you don’t know about?

To be fair, the OP doesn’t mention that they have any childcare costs.

This was my initial thought.

Alternatively, some people just like to jump onto the COL bandwagon when it isn't actually affecting them in any meaningful way.
Perhaps he has been talking to people at work who are struggling or maybe because it is all over the news every day, he may be becoming conditioned to believing you are affected like others when in actual fact you are fine?

Yanbu. Life is also for living and you could die any moment!

Well there is a fine line sometimes between squandering a load of money on crap you don't need and spending your life living in misery by not spending any money.

The key for me is to get good value. Spending a batch on coffee when you've got kids in tow can be pretty pricey.

I have saved a fortune since I ditched costa and got a coffee machine.

It's all a matter of balance.

We won't "waste" money on irrelevances like coffees when there's no need, but we will spend on quality things, keeping the house warm, having good/safe cars, etc. Luckily we're on the same page.

It sounds as if the OP is mis-matched between herself and her husband which isn't good really.

But as another poster has said, there are a lot of people jumping over the COL crisis when it's not really affecting them - yes prices are going up, but most people have a "buffer" so are still able to have the same lifestyle, albeit maybe with less going into savings or maybe cutting down on the non essentials/trivialities. However, some people are taking it to extremes even though they don't have to, maybe because it's constantly in the media and is making people cut back and save beyond what is a sensible/sustainable balance!

Uni can cost a fortune, a big issue is accomodation which is scarce and needs paying for often in advance if you don't want to end up being a guarantor for them and their flatmates. My friend reckons it's on track to costing 20K a year and that is in Scotland (free tuition) living in halls though which is ££

Can you sit down with him and access the issue, is he worried about the future or something else ?

The device a plan to make sure you have a buffer, possibly 6 months utility and mortgage payments? It may take 2/3 years to create a buffer but would give him and ultimately you peace of mind

you could both fact in drawing pocket money from the disposable income so you can still enjoy life, put in savings for holidays etc an days out

Thanks for that explanation. That makes sense it’s the accommodation that makes it expensive.

That's bonkers. Full maintenance loan is about £9.5k which is enough to live on for most locations. In low income families, no contribution is expected. Maximum expected contribution is about £4.5k per year and that can be made up from the student working in the holidays etc. rather than parental contribution. Noone needs to give their student age kids 20k pa.

Back to the OP - did your DH have a poor childhood? We didn't have much and I am a fervent saver as a result, very risk averse financially. It helps me to long-term budget, look at my annual expected costs and income and know that they are covered. I can then give myself permission to spend within my budget.

Have you recently seen the cost of student housing? Rents alone can be easily be £150-£200 per week, and depending on terms, there may be utilities, broadband, water rates, insurance etc on top (if in houses rather than purpose built blocks of student flats). Then there's transport costs, food, etc.

Having recently gone through this with our son, the £9.5k only covers rent and utilities. Food, transport, clubs/societies, clothes, "luxuries", hobbies, socialising, etc., are all on top of that. He, and most of his flatmates, had to work along studying just to "live" and that still needed us to subsidise him, and he definitely wasn't wasting lots of money on partying every night or expensive hobbies - even joining a couple of clubs/societies cost a few hundred each per year as contributions towards venue hire, transport, etc.

I totally agree it is shocking but it isn't a £20k pa parental contribution which was stated & is false and scaremongering.

YANBU

It sounds like anxiety thst needs medical attention. I'd be clear that his doom mongering is irrational and unreasonable and I'd push for him to talk to a medical professional about anxiety.

I think that if you have a family with 4 kids and you have half your salaries left after paying all the essential bills your doing ok. At the moment it no harm looking at your mortgage, house insurance and bills to see if you can get a better deal. Changing providers say for your phone, electricity and insurance each year can save you money. I look that the money is better in your pocket than paying to much on a mortgage or bills.
Is this a recent thing with your husband to being more financially aware? Is their a chance that he could be made redundant in his job? I wonder are his friends or co workers talking about money or complaining about the cost of living?
Also what age is your husband - would he like to retire early or is her worried about your pensions later on?

I know people that cut back and managed on a lot less money than they earned so they could either buy a house, pay a mortgage off quicker or to build up savings or a pension. They looked at at as a short term pain for a long term gain. They drove old bangers and only had cheap holidays when they did this. It enabled them long term to be in a good financial position or helped them when something unexpected happened.

I think for most people their is a happy medium with money in that you have savings, can pay your bills and put money into a pension and can enjoy the odd day out or holiday.