Talking about money

[lioner]

Hi

Does anyone else struggle to have a conversation about money with their DH/DH/DP without it being stressy?

We can talk about anything else with ease, however there is something about money that always leads to a stressy conversation with us both behaving defensively

Does anyone else experience this, and does anyone have any suggestions how to overcome this?

Thank you

Firstly how are your finances set up?

What do you argue about? Day to day spending or how to finance bigger purchases etc?

I have no experience of this issue in my own relationship because DH and I are on the same page about money, but I may be able to suggest ideas regardless of this.

No we’ve always been a team we do have disagreements about how to manage joint investments however, we usually compromise.

Funnily enough - no. Money is fine. Easy even. Always has been - from student poverty to 40 something comfort.

On the other hand - how long to cook carrots for so that they are neither too hard or too soft can lead to huge irritation though.

Makes no sense at all.

I think the majority of people struggle to talk about money, it is the last taboo.

it will be awkward but just start the conversation with “I would like to talk about finances” the rest will follow

Yes, every normal conversation about money spirals into arguments. It is his very defensive reactions.

I hate it. I gave up trying to work it out, he will never change. I think financial compatibility should be something you try and find out early and only proceed if you gel. It's too late for me though now.

Do you have a troubled financial history? Or different styles.

OP, I wrote this elsewhere about a conversation on 4 Jan.

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The big thing yesterday was I finally managed to have a conversation with DH about budgets and how much we need to save a year.

This sounds like nothing. However, he built up to yesterday's conversation by talking it through over several sessions with his psychologist. It's the first finances conversation I've ever been able to have with him. He has major issues with money and anxiety. Literally every other attempt ended with him running away in a panic or full body shaking so hard that he falls off his chair.

We're going to have more conversations although we need to space them to handle his stress. As I mentioned upthread, our expenses are about to increase so we need to agree where we're going to reduce expenditure and make savings so that we can cover these costs.

I know this is going to be especially difficult for him. He has a binge eating disorder. He's working on this and he doesn't want to know how much it's costing as he does want to face the reality of it, IYSWIM.

Given DH's MH issues, it's important that we put aside an appropriate socialising budget for him. But, we can't discuss budgets if we can't identify where the money is going.

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As a follow-up, I wrote:

I had to keep reminding myself how difficult it was for him and what a milestone it represents. It was hard:

• to set aside my own frustrations about the lack of past engagement (I didn't know he was addressing this with his psychologist so I didn't have prior notice that we'd be having 'the talk')
• not to get impatient about the mistakes he made when he announced some figures that I knew were wrong because I keep approximate running totals of the things I know about in my head (it took 40mins just to persuade him that he'd made a SS error but I know that his anxiety reduced his ability to listen and to think)
• to handle my own emotions and show no sign of them while remaining completely calm and positive but pushing back to help him understand that we need to reduce expenditure in some areas because we have new expenses for which we need to budget.

I don't imagine that the next few conversations will be any easier but I can only try and help him to sustain them so we can work towards our finances together.

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I don't know if that's helpful or profoundly dispiriting.

Yes! DH says stuff like I need to stop spending money on expensive things like strawberries for DS, which cost £2.50/week, but he can easily spend that in a day on pop and snacks. He's about to take a massive pay cut but doesn't seem to be making any sacrifices.

We have Finance MOT type chars with each other booked into our diaries every few months if the year usually after a big event like summer holiday or Christmas. It's accompanied by yummy food. We discuss budgets, sneaky DDs, sneaky insurances creeping up, feelings about savings, credit reports and spreadsheets. All machines need maintenance :)