Has ds crossed a line?

[Coldplayer]

Hey,

edited- has DH crossed a line. Not DS! Sorry!!

so this year we are going to try to cut back a bit and Save a bit of money. We’re not in a mess or anything, but we just want to make some improvements up our spending etc.

We agreed that we’d both be a bit more mindful and then transfer and remaining money into our joint savings the day before payday.

yesterday, dh asked if I’d log into my current account so that he could ‘have a look at my spending’. I said no. I’ve absolutely nothing to hide, but I feel that this is y and invasive. We both have separate personal current accounts.

he thinks I’m BU but I don’t. I don’t think that being married should remove any right to some degree of privacy.

AIBU?

I wouldn't like it unless you looked at everyone's spending. Your heading is wrong though.

Does he see himself as "chief" financial advisor?

I don't think he should ask...especially if you didn't ask for help/advice or if the offer wasn't reciprocal, as in he suggested you look at each others spending.

Perfectly fine for you to say "thanks but no thanks, I'm fine with managing my own spending"

Hard to say, really, without more context. I have to monitor my DH account as he's useless with money and based on that, if he wanted to see mine, I'd have no issues. However, if he randomly asked to see my account, then I'd probably feel put out, and it was an invasion. OP,if you're uncomfortable with showing him for any reason, you don't have to explain why to anyone. It's your business and yours alone. No is a full sentence.

I don't personally think he's crossed a line but then we have joint money and no separate accounts (except savings accounts with both our money in which happen to be in my name)

If DH asked me how much we had saved up, I'd log on and tell him/show him if he asked.

Not sure how I'd feel if for donkeys years everything was all separate and then he wanted to check.

Are you bad with money OP? If the shoe was on the other foot and I was concerned DH was bad with money, I'd probably ask to see how much he had tbh.

If you want to keep finances separate, or “private” as you call it, then why do you have a joint savings account? You save what you want, he saves what he wants, stay apart.

If you want to jointly save towards something, then move an agreed amount each to the joint savings account the day after payday.

Either you’re in it together, or you’re not. What if you’re spending all your money on clothes and make up and coffees and nails with a view to saving £150/mo, while he’s skimping to max out the amount he puts in savings? He’s wanting to know what effort you’re making so he can match it. If he criticizes what you spend your personally-earned leisure money on, that WOULD be crossing a line.

You need to think this through properly, rather than finding fault in a half-baked plan and casting aspersions.

As you started this 'save more money' project 5 days ago, what is he expecting to see?

It seems reasonable to me to suggest at the end of each month you sit down and look at how much you've both spent (in certain categories, not a line-by-line examination of every account run by each of you) to get an idea of whether you're both economising to the same degree, are there areas where you could both cut down, is one person spending a lot more in one category that suggests some payments should be shared more evenly. However, this must be a two-way thing, not an interrogation by one party of the other party's spending.

That's not a good way to joint save to be fair.

Why not decide how much to make a start on saving, say £1k per month between you, and each pay the proportion into the joint savings after pay day. So if you earn the same, you pay £500 each. If one of you earns twice as much as the other, then it's a £666 and £333 split etc.

Is he offering to open up his bank account to scrutiny too? I'd hate it if my DP asked that but we're pretty separate with finances. It would be OK (if reciprocal) in other couples I guess.

I'd just say to him why don't you both see how you go in Jan then have a discussion on how you BOTH did with a rough breakdown of spending?

It’s hard to say without more context, as other posters have suggested.

Do you start off with the same/similar amount of money? Do you pay equally into bills etc? Did you discuss specifics on cutting back e.g. no Starbucks, no takeaways, no fast food, no nail appointments, no online shopping etc? Did you discuss how much you were both expecting to put into joint savings each month?

If any of those answers are no, you need to sit back down and have a proper conversation about these savings and what the plan is. If you both initially have the same money available and both agreed to cut back with a view to putting everything left over into joint savings then I don’t think it really is massively unreasonable for you to both know throughout the month what “cutting back” looks like for each of you. For example if you have both agreed to cut back meaning you were going to skip your nail appointment to save, but you then find out actually he’s been going to Starbucks on his way to work 2 days a week, if you know that you may choose to go ahead with the nail app because both equal out to about £45.

Unless there is a background of financially controlling behaviour, I wouldn't say it's crossing a line, because the request is in the context of you both agreeing to spend less - it's not as if he randomly asked to start monitoring your spending.

However, I would not agree to it, either. It seems unnecessary and, like you, I would find it invasive. Instead, why don't you agree an amount that each of you has as fun money each month, no questions asked?

For me it wouldn't be an issue. DH and I have separate accounts too, mainly for tax and admin reasons, but we've viewed it all as one pot since we got married. In any case, both of us get paper statements and mine are in an untidy pile on my desk, so he could check my transactions any time he wanted. DH's are neatly filed in a box which I could access any time. I don't have anything on there I'd want to hide and it's quite boring really.

YANBU. I agree with you that it feels controlling and invasive. He didn't say 'let's sit down and take a look at each of our respective separate spending together', but only expressed a desire to look at yours. There's no indication that he feels it's a mutual task.

Having said that, given that you must have each some sort of idea of your own spending, you should set a goal of how much you want to save every month, rather than this vague 'whatever's left from last month'. It may fluctuate a little month-to-month, since some spending is only an occasional need (e.g. if your trainers wear out, you need new trainers, but you're not going to be constantly needing new trainers, etc.), but there should be a typical goal or a typical goal bracket aim of between x and y. Otherwise there's no particular aim and too easy to think, 'oh, well, I'll just save a bit less!'.

I think it depends how he said it, if it was curiosity and he was willing to show you his bank account then I don’t see the problem. But if you think he wants to judge what you spend money on then I can understand how you feel.

YANBU.

Do you put money into a joint account to cover all your bills, household costs, joint spending like food? Once you have done that according to your agreed formula (e.g 50/50 or pro rata to income) your money is your own business, surely?

What about an agreed target to each put in savings?

Absolutely unreasonable.
I’d be very surprised if OP had left out a key detail like him saying, “hey - why don’t we take a look at each others to see if we have any ideas?”

It’s not just about privacy - it’s the patronising presumption that he can do better than the OP. I’d happily leave my bank statement lying around because I’m not private about. Doesn’t mean I want my husband to patronisingly appoint himself my new IFA!

Would DH be happy to let you log on to his personal account and look at his spendings? I know I wouldn’t like anyone looking through mine! He's unreasonable to ask to look at your personal account. Joint account fine. Did he give a reason why he wanted to look? Do you both put the same amount into savings towards the end of the month?