Getting financial affairs in order before you die

[blackheartsgirl]

my mum died on Wednesday just gone and the circumstances of her death was traumatic enough (she was ill but it was quite sudden, police and coroner involved) but sorting out her financial affairs is almost as bad.

she refused to talk about money or wills, was secretive, lied to her partner, was evasive, really crap with money. My brother and me have no idea whether she has a will, has any money at all, whether she had a works pension, any debts, we can’t find much paperwork, all bank statements were on line, no passwords nothing, she was a bit of a spendaholic . We are going to have a right old job as I think it might go to probate.also no funeral provision.

thus has made me really think about my own affairs and making things easy for my kids when I go, I don’t have much money but I do have some assets that can be sold. I was thinking of a will, a funeral plan, and details of work pensions etc. what else?

Sorry for the depressing subject but I’m wide awake and things are churning in my head

It's not "custody" is it?

He's their father.

I don't think social services have the authority to "grant custody " (that's the courts, in divorce), but I expect they'd get involved and possibly remove the child and look for family support or foster care. Obviously having something in place would be useful at that point.

I think you'd benefit from a chat with a family lawyer on this topic.

I can’t see him wanting them anyway, he’s not allowed to have anything to do them, his wife doesn’t like them.

maybe you’re right I will have to talk to a family lawyer.

it worries me sick that he will have them, this is a
man who punched a speaker so hard accross the room towards my daughter it hit her and she ended up in hospital,

Death cleansing I think it's called. Financial and with property. Imagine how hard it is when you move, now imagine someone else doing it for you!
A friend found her full sister who had been adopted out when her parents were teenagers - they eventually married and had my friend. She knew nothing about it til she found some papers after her mum died - it shook both their worlds! . But usually there are no such revelations- just a huge mountain of effort.
Keeping things in files - your will, your bank account numbers, your investments/pensions/holdings (you don't have to leave passwords, that would be very unwise)
All in marked folders.

I’m sorry for your loss!

My grandad was v. Organised about this stuff (he slowly faded away so had time to get things sorted). Here’s all the things he did:

Gave us his safe code before he died. all the things below were in the safe with duplicates being held by his solicitor (minus the cash!):

• Big chunk of cash in the safe (for emergencies for us in case anything happened or there were delays accessing his estate so we could pay for the funeral)
• details about the funeral/wake (including who to invite and what food!)
• All his passwords
• Details of his car insurance provider/home insurance provider/landline/broadband etc
• Bank details + amounts in each account + any direct debits
• A list of who to tell in priority order + a list of friends who had agreed to cascade the news to his other friends
• Gardener and window cleaner contact details (they both came weekly)
• Copy of his will - one to my mum and one to me. + copy in safe + copy with solicitor

He also wrote us a long letter each (left in safe), which was lovely to read. He was v. loving when he was alive but having it written down how proud he was/how much he loved us was just really special. I still have the letter 4 years later (in my own safe!)

It made it easier as we didn’t have to think about anything, we just followed what his instructions said and had all the information available.

Sorry again for your loss

There is no such status in legal terms as ‘next of kin’. When you say she had you down as such, what do you mean? She had no will, so if her estate needs to go through probate there is a list of who can apply, and spouse / children over 18 / siblings are all on that list. But it could also be her partner. The only thing to stop him applying would be if anyone above on the list wanted to do it themselves.
Regarding your children, as a 16 year old, his wishes would almost certainly be taken into account, and most likely that of your 13 yr old too, so I really wouldnt worry about that.

If your mum had money, you should not have had to pay anything out for her funeral. Invoices can, and usually do, go direct to the deceased bank to be paid directly to the undertaker.
Having organised 3 funerals over the past 8 years, this is what has happened every time. For another relative who died suddenly, she had no savings but a high value death in service lump sum. The undertakers got paid once that paid out, which was some months after the funeral.

No idea, I’m just next of kin, the man from the coroners office wouldn’t speak to her partner only me as he said he had no legal rights and all legal decisions are mine and presumably my brothers

no idea about probate, I’ve never had to do it, my late dh estate never went to probate.

theres
just so much I don’t know

There are some services like
https://www.nationalwillregister.co.uk/
https://www.nationalwillsafe.co.uk/
...where professional will writers recommend that their clients deposit copies of their wills for a small fee. Might be worth checking those (and using for your own will in due course).

There was a thread on here a few days ago about writing lists of notes before you die and just keeping in a (physical) "When I die" folder. A bit like the Swedish cleaning thing above. It struck me as a good idea, and can be done in lots of short documents so as not to make it a huge single task.

I am not fussed over a funeral but I don't want to take that decision away from my kids if they feel they want a funeral to assist with grieving.

I suppose I could state that though.

Where would I leave these details. Do I just put them in a folder?

Are DIY wills legit?

I certainly know hpw you feel OP, my DM passed a week ago following a shit 6 month battle with cancer. However, thankfully, although I didnt appreciate it at the time, she made us sit down and she planned her funeral and told us where to find her financial details. mum also managed to write a will and weve found a notebook with various passwords in. Honestly its helped sooo much. Its really made me think about my own 'stuff', DH and I have seperate banking accounts and I have the bills paid from my sole account so he would be stuffed if I suddenly passed...we are now putting together a folder - just incase 😥

At the very least everyone should write a list of their band accounts and any life assurance policies plus pension details and if applicable workplace life assurance scheme (just hr's number would do)!

To be more helpful your mortgage provider and account number, utility providers, insurance (car, home etc) etc.

If you have a blended family it's more important to get your wishes written down, as not doing so could cause a lot of issues.

My DH died last year he had been ill for a short time but we didn't know it was terminal until the day before he died.
He had actually said that we would sort out the banks / finances etc the next day with me but he died.
So now I have got a file of v clear instructions / passwords etc for our DC
It took me weeks to go through things - everyday hours on the phone - at the time though it gave me something concrete to focus on
Also pre planning / paying for (if possible) your funeral is a good idea - I found condensing DH to having 4 songs unbearably traumatic / the feeling of guilt if I had got it wrong - and I was lucky in that the DC were old enough to help!

My mum is currently sorting her paperwork as my dad died earlier this year and she's realised how difficult it is to go through paperwork. I also know where all her accounts are and how much she has in them.

My dad still had his pay slips and stuff from his early jobs - and he was over 80. So lots of stuff to go though.

I really get how worrying this must be op. Obviously best to take advice from a lawyer but assuming your oldest son is happy to have them and he's likely know first, assume they could just go and live with him and the biological dad would need to find out and take court action? And as they're now teens hopefully their wishes would be taken into account.

When I did this I spoke to the banks and they paid funeral expenses directly to the undertakers so it cost me nothing.

I have done probate applications a few times myself as they were simple estates but this didn't need to be ongoing or finished for the above.

My Mum & Dad had mirror wills, as my mums dad died without a will and apparently it was a real hassle. My Nanna hated talking about dying but did get a Will done thankfully. My mums told me there’s plenty of money for her funeral, she’s not the type to want to plan it. I made a will before a major surgery in 2017. It’s so important

Please please everyone pre pay your funeral. You will get exactly what you want and it is much easier for those left behind. Most funeral plans include a will. We all die at some point, so do what you can for when it happens.
My friend and her husband had never spoken about their burial/cremation wishes before he died suddenly, luckily he had had a conversation with Husband at another friends funeral or he wouldn't have been cremated and his ashes scattered where he wanted them to be.

Though as another data point, I found organising my husband’s funeral quite cathartic and an important part of the grieving process. It was the last thing I could do for him, and I wanted to do it in a way that I thought he’d appreciate. I think I got it right, but I don’t dwell on it. Funerals are for the living.

He died young though, so perhaps that makes a difference. But organising it certainly made his death ‘real’, even though he had died at home. Everyone is different.

I have no so strong preferences about my funeral, other than my ashes be interred with my husbands. So I’ve written a note to that effect, which is with my will. I’ve included a copy of my late husbands funeral service, so if whoever ends up organising it doesn’t want to think, they can copy that. But if they have other ideas that’s fine too!

I don't think it is very healthy to take the funeral planning away, it is a focus for thoughts during the immediate aftermath.

The financial side is good to have covered, obviously.

Are DIY wills legit?

There is no legal requirement to get a will drawn up by a solicitor or other legal professional. However, if you don't, you need to take great care to meet all the legal requirements for the will to be valid. It's not that difficult but the consequences of getting it wrong could be massive, so it's not surprising that most people prefer to get a lawyer or paralegal to draw it up.

Yes, if all parties are able to agree what to do. When my Dad died we found it very helpful that he had left clear instructions, and my Mum knew what they were and also knew how things were normally done locally and particularly at their church. There was very little to think about, we just had to put it all into effect. There was plenty of other stuff to focus on sorting out.

I started this thread recently along very similar lines - there's some great ideas and things I hadn't thought about

What do you wish you'd talked about earlier? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4922884-what-do-you-wish-youd-talked-about-earlier

Marking place

I must admit I found planning my dh funeral cathartic too, he died aged 50 after a short illnesss and didn’t have time to plan his funeral properly. He did manage to state some things like ashes, what we all wore and he also wanted the flag of his football team over his coffin at the service. The rest was up to me.

That's ok if everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet, it is a battlefield if your son wants you cremated but your daughter wants you buried I wouldn't want to leave that mess behind.