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Money matters

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Original poster

Why do I worry about money?

22 replies

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 15:41

So I have this overwhelming worry around money which seems to be getting worse as years pass. A worry of not having any I guess but I'm not sure where it comes from or why.
So some background, I work part time and earn £1300 ish a month, husband is on 29k atm after taking a pay drop having retrained in a new career. We own our house (mortgage), and have another property (also mortgage) that we are letting out. My husband doesn't have personal savings, other than the houses of course which are in both our names. I have 45k savings. We are a very thrifty family, buy 2nd hand, and don't just throw money on expensive things, but we also don't go without and husband does a lot of DIY in our homes himself. We have both worked hard to be in a position of owning 2 properties. We are 35. So, why do I worry so much? Ye were not on huge salaries atm and far from rich, but I'd imagine we're in a better financial position than a lot at 35. It's really impacting me now, and I've been like for years, long before I even met my husband but it seems to be getting worse.
My parents are comfortable, not "rich" but, yeah comfortable, so it's not like a grew up poor or anything that would've caused this fear from childhood.

OP posts:

LubaLuca · 10/11/2023 15:44

What is it that worries you specifically? You have plenty to weather a storm, and you're not doing without things that make you happy and comfortable.

Are your pensions looking good?

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 15:57

I have no idea about my pensions tbh, they're in different places after moving jobs etc but I've never been unemployed since graduating. I think I just worry about being bankrupt or our children (we have 2) going without/struggling, or them having no inheritance. I just find it overwhelming now it's getting to a point of worrying when we go and eat out, or booking to go places etc. Cost of living certainly making matters worse. But my husband keeps telling me "if you keep worrying about the rainy days then the sunny ones will pass you by".

OP posts:

caringcarer · 10/11/2023 16:14

I grew up in a family with not much money. In my first marriage we had so little money to bring DC up. I was very thrifty, shopped in cheap shops and bought second hand clothing for DC and myself and exh too. It was all we could afford. I'm remarried and comfortable now but rarely treat myself. I'm generous to DC and others though I just can't make myself spend much on myself. My DH has a good job and earns a good wage and he gets cross with me and says I deserve nicer things and he says I deprive myself unnecessarily. I just have a deep worry 'What if we lost it all, how would we manage'? I save lots of money.

LubaLuca · 10/11/2023 16:15

You obviously recognise your fears are irrational, so no amount of soothing here is going to make you feel better.

You could sell one of the houses and get rid of the mortgage on the other a lot sooner. I don't think you need more money in the bank, but you could rid yourself of debt and start squirrelling away a lot more if you think that would make you happy/ less reluctant to spend.

BecauseTheWorld · 10/11/2023 16:17

I think you worry because of your DH. He earns a low wage and has no savings. You work part time and earn a small amount but have also managed to save.

QueenCoconut · 10/11/2023 16:21

Is it about having control over your financial situation perhaps? You know you have enough money in theory but perhaps you don’t feel fully assured about the future? financial planning, having a budget and a very clear view of your savings, pension etc might help.
DH and I are high earners and we keep a monthly budget with a 10 year “forward view” taking into account any foreseeable changes (as far as reasonably possible) eg kids going to uni, pay rises, mortgage rates changing etc. we review it twice a month and track all expenditure.
I also tend to worry about money and this method makes me feel more in control.

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 16:24

By debt, do you mean our mortgages? We dont have any other debts. It's not wise to sell the other property, it's rental income is pretty good and its gone up in value considerably. Plus the rental income from that is the substitute for me working part time whilst the kids are young. @LubaLuca

@BecauseTheWorld no that can't be right. I worried the same when he earned 50k a year, his new lower income is only because he's started a new career, it'll go up again yearly now. Plus, I dont think my wage is that low really? £1300 take home for 3 days a week, and all school holidays off.

OP posts:

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/11/2023 16:25

My parents are comfortable, not "rich" but, yeah comfortable, so it's not like a grew up poor or anything that would've caused this fear from childhood

What were their attitudes to money? I'm currently sorting my head out over this - my fear of never having enough or running out comes from just after DF died when we were kids and the immediate message from DM was 'there's no money.' Of course being in a heightened emotional state after a bereavement I latched onto that straight away and felt responsible for it and it surfaces periodically when I have a big bill coming up, even tho I have the money and its budgeted for.

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 16:35

They have a good attitude I think? They've ran two small but successful businesses, have savings, own two houses with no mortgage. I really don't know where this stems from. Maybe seeing a financial advisor would help? My 45k sat in the bank doing nothing probably doesn't help.

OP posts:

Floopani · 10/11/2023 16:38

I understand this. I have worried about money in exactly the same way no matter what income or savings in the bank I have had, and it's varied over the years. I still budget carefully and track what I spend no matter what.

It's only recently that I have come to realise it has absolutely nothing to do with the money and a lot to do with my feelings and anxiety around security and my own self worth. I am slowly learning that whatever comes up, I will deal with it, like I have dealt with it before. That if something does happen to go wrong, that it is likely to be circumstances and luck rather than my own poor planning or judgement. I'm learning to trust myself.

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 16:43

@Floopani yeah it could be that... I also struggle with anxiety...

OP posts:

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/11/2023 16:55

@Floopani yeah it could be that... I also struggle with anxiety...

As do I. It's an anxiety symptom - something your anxiety latches onto. Someone on another thread in MH said something that really resonated with me - 'you're getting yourself into a state over something that hasn't happened and may never happen. It's not you being stupid, it's an illness.' And one that you can get help with.

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 17:25

Guess it's another thing that falls in the "but what if" category of worries.

OP posts:

Floopani · 10/11/2023 18:42

The thing is, your OP shows just how resourceful you are. You have adjusted to having children, to your DH changing careers, you have money management skills that have clearly served you well - a nest egg in the bank and income from a second property. You're doing great!

It's scary to take your foot off the pedal, because money wise, everything you have done so far has actually worked - even the anxiety- it's got you this far. But you could do it again if needs be, or you have shown you can live frugally if the situation arises.

I set myself tiny goals like spending £25 taking my teenager out to lunch, or treating myself to something frivolous. There is a middle ground towards rainy days and sunny days. I still worry, but I also let go a bit more.

ruthieness · 10/11/2023 18:51

My advice is to keep a high balance in your current account - for no good reason but it could work as a reminder that your money Situation is actually ok!

Cloverforever · 10/11/2023 18:54

Maybe some CBT or hypnotism might help take away the anxiety?

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 19:12

Thank you for your kind words @Floopani i think its an issue thats hard to discuss as well because some would see my situation and think "what are you worried for". But I guess there's some rooted worry there about being on my own and needing some security blanket/money to raise the kida etc. Although I have always been this way. Even my student loan wasn't "pi**ed away" lets say.
I do think some cbt would help. Along with some planning so that my savings do some work rather than sit in a bank.

OP posts:

Hitchens · 11/11/2023 13:10

AmeliaHay · 10/11/2023 15:57

Find out about all of those pensions TODAY. Being ignorant to your retirement planning in your 30s is not a good place to be. The good news is you have maybe 20-30 years of work to make sure you have a comfortable retirement. Most you can view online, see what total you have between you in pension pots and what you need to contribute to get to your target retirement number. The earlier you do this the easier it is.

Also, you have £45k in savings. Great, but then you said its in the bank doing 'nothing'. If you aren't getting 5% return a year this money then that is criminal, you are essentially choosing not to have extra £2k each year in interest. Personally I wouldn't have that much in cash as even at 5% its losing value to inflation, something we all have to just accept for cash we might need access to.

The recommendation is to usually have 3-6 months worth of expenses as cash as an emergency fund. The fact that you are part time and your husband has just changed careers I'd be wanting 6 months.

The rental property can be seen as either an asset or it could become a liability. I would have a separate emergency fund set aside for this property, how much is up to you, but think about what would happen if your tenant didn't pay you for 3 months, or it was empty for 3 months or you need to replace the boiler.

Doing the above will put you more in control of your own financial future which will hopefully help reduce your anxiety around money. It did for me anyway.

rookiemere · 11/11/2023 13:16

It's weird to be so anxious about money but have no idea what your pension situation is. Definitely check that out - maybe you're right to be worried .

Paperbagsaremine · 11/11/2023 13:23

Anxiety is an emotion that evolved for a reason, OP, and that is, to prompt us to take action, and to make us more alert to trouble.

Given there are no tigers in your back garden, I think this is a call to review your finances.

short term savings for emergencies
long term savings e.g. for the kids' uni/early adulthood (optional, if they have to stand on their own two feet, they will)
retirement savings (pensions, ISAs)
inheritance (carefully drafted wills)
insurance

By going through this - get a few basic bits of advice, Moneysavingexpert, Your Money Or Your Life (old but gold) and then Tim Hayley's "Smarter Investing" should help - and showing your kids, you're both putting your mind at rest and setting an important good example for them.

Anxiety backs off if you stand up to it...
But what if Tom and I both can't work?
We claim benefits and get a lodger and get a cheaper car

But what if..?
I've thought of that, and we will...

Take action, cover your bases, you'll feel much more secure

Original poster

AmeliaHay · 11/11/2023 13:34

Yes I think being clearer on my/his pensions would help, so would moving some money into a higher earning ISA. The 2nd property also counts towards our retirement of course. I think I need to put pen to paper and also book an appointment with a financial advisor.

OP posts:

Dashel · 13/11/2023 21:51

A personal adviser is going to be quite expensive and probably not worth it for £45k

If you are anxious with money then investing might not be for you and so potentially either using it towards the mortgage on your house (yes I know it might not make financial sense, but it might help you sleep and take the weight off your shoulders) or finding a high interest account to put it in might be best.

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