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Original poster

Lump sum - give to DHs parents or not?

14 replies

Hotchocolate92 · 06/11/2023 15:12

DH will soon come into money. A small to medium lump sum.

His DPs lent him the same amount of money in the past, as a younger man. There was no expectation to repay. He nevertheless feels guilty/indebted about this and wants to repay them by investing the lump sum in property for them to use as they get older.

I disagree. His parents have used money as a vector of control in the past and we are now LC for various reasons. They are both secure right now. In the future, their retirement would not be secure without this lump sum. However, my DH does not have significant personal savings either. I feel that his independence/well being and LC lifestyle will not be secure without the money.

Any opinions, MNers?

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 06/11/2023 15:41

The fact that you say they ‘lent’ him the money implies that there was an expectation that it would be repaid.

Ibravedaflood · 06/11/2023 15:43

Yabu to prevent your dh mentally being unindebted to his dps... If that is a word! We are nc with dps and it would gnaw at me to know they had helped me in any way I couldn't return.

MissConductUS · 06/11/2023 15:46

Repay the debt. It will give your DH peace of mind that they no longer have that hanging over him.

Foreverhope1 · 06/11/2023 15:46

If it was your parents instead, who'd lent you this money, how would you proceed?

senua · 06/11/2023 15:47

Quite apart from the rights and wrongs, I would look into the legal situation -inheritance tax, second home stamp duty, parents having a legal right to live in a house that you own, who is responsible for repairs, etc ,etc.
This could get so messy.

dylanschicken · 06/11/2023 15:49

He should give the money back but without the investment control. No strings.

Original poster

Hotchocolate92 · 06/11/2023 16:04

Okay, thanks all. I reallly appreciate your replies and I can see that the majority feel it would give DH peace of mind, undo the indebted feeling, and that it would not be my place to input on how DH choses to use or gift the money, which is completely fair. I've read the replies to DH and it has helped us both to discuss things further.

@senua if he chooses the property route, the property would be in his DPs name/he would organise for them to own it through a solicitor etc.

@dylanschicken DH says they would not accept it as straight cash/no strings (cultural). The property would be a way for him to pay off the debt.

OP posts:

messybutfun · 06/11/2023 16:04

Do you mean he buys rental property and the parents will receive the rental income as a loan repayment? Or live in the property?

Nothing wrong with that as the asset will still belong to him and he can stop making repayments if needs to.

shardash · 06/11/2023 16:14

If they are in the UK and there is property involved, there could be all sorts of unintended consequences should either or both of his parents need long-term residential care at some point in the future. Their assets will be taken into account if they need to pay care fees. This needs to be looked at very carefully by someone who knows the law regarding that sort of thing.

Manadou · 06/11/2023 16:21

shardash · 06/11/2023 16:14

Yes, but that's the DH's parents' problem, not the OP's or her DH's. I'd just pay it back as a bank transfer, culture notwithstanding. They are LC for 'various reasons'.

shardash · 06/11/2023 16:57

Manadou · 06/11/2023 16:21

Yes, but that's the DH's parents' problem, not the OP's or her DH's. I'd just pay it back as a bank transfer, culture notwithstanding. They are LC for 'various reasons'.

Edited

Show quote history

The point I am making is that the whole lot could be swallowed up by care fees, and the OP's DH needs to be aware of that. Set up properly, there is no need for that to happen.

SquishyGloopyBum · 06/11/2023 18:04

Is your H doing this as a way to seek their approval or something? What's the reason for LC?

If it is, this won't bring him peace.

I think sit on the money for a while. The property idea is bonkers though.

I'd keep it myself.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/11/2023 18:06

Did you mean his parents would be secure without that money or wouldn't be?

CameleonAreFightingBack · 06/11/2023 18:18

If it was me, I wouldn’t give them the money.

There is something on MN where a lot of people seem to think that a parent giving a ‘large’ amount of money should be repaid not matter what the circumstances of the gift was.

If that That money was given as a way to control me and I had decided to go LC, I wouldn’t give them the opportunity to gloat over me ‘giving the money back’. I’ve had a similar is situation but with a grand parent and it wouldn’t changed their attitude/need for control nor would it have made me feel better tbh.

I think your dh needs to be clear about what he wants to achieve there.
Would he have tried to repay that money if the inheritance wasn’t there? No? So why does he feel he should now? What’s different?
What is your dh thinking will happen if he buys that property for them? Will they accept it (seeing they won’t accept cash)? Will they use that as a stick to beat him up with again? A way to get back in control (plenty of opportunities there from needing contact to sort things out to not being happy about the property itself etc….)
Will they consider its an attack on them etc…

Id be very careful because I suspect they will use it as much as possible to get back at him.

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