Potential house move. Would you?

[Zigzag24]

I’ve name changed as I’m writing this on behalf of a family member. I will answer any questions as best as I can.

A and B are a married couple with DC. They have completely separate finances and pay a percentage of bills equivalent to their income. They both work full time, incase that’s relevant. A and B are looking to sell their house and move somewhere bigger as they would like more room since their family has grown. Below are the amounts that A and B would be left with after paying their share of the household bills (mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, water, broadband, TV, home insurance and food) and childcare, if they moved to a particular house that they have seen and quite like.

A - £3800 leftover
B - £600 leftover

From the remainder that they have left each month, they both pay 50% of any additional child or household related costs and holidays, eating out and days out, Christmas and birthday presents. They then also pay for their own hobbies, cars (fuel, insurance, MOT, servicing, repairs etc), clothes, haircuts etc, anything else they might need.
They do not have family savings and do not have access to each others money. They transfer their own share of bills into the joint account each month and anything else is paid for by one person and the other bank transfers them half, if required.

B already has a much lower ability to save than A living in their current home, but their main issue with the potential house move is that it would make it even harder and the discrepancy would grow. They also worry that they will become somewhat of a bore within the family as they can’t match the lifestyle that A has and will want to continue to have, and that the DC will notice this.

If you were B, would you go ahead with this move? B is only considering it because their DC would benefit hugely due to the extra space, better schools, nicer area in general. B does not want to hold their family back.
Before anyone suggests it, A would not pay more. This is not something that A would want to do.

Thank you all. I agree. I am related to B so do only have it from their POV but they have told me the figures and I believe them.

I think that A seems quite selfish. They do seem to already have very different lifestyles and this move would only make the gap bigger. For example, A spends lots of time and money on hobbies whereas B does lots of childcare and cleaning, and has very little time for hobbies. A wears designer clothes, drives a very high end car, B does not. It’s not that B has nothing, but certainly they don’t seem to share a similar lifestyle. B seems to try hard to keep up but simply can’t because they don’t have anywhere near as much money.

B has told me that if they don’t move house, their disposable income will be £1200 per month whilst A will have £5300. It’s not really much better in terms of equality in their marriage but at least B has more disposable!

The percentage share that’s applied to mortgage and bills should also be applied to everything else - why would childcare be 50/50 for example - that’s often much more costly than bills! If that was the case, presumably B would have much more money left over and the move might be more feasible.

childcare is split proportionally.

other costs are 50/50 such as clothing, toys, activities and clubs etc. They also have a toddler so things need replacing as child grows.

DH and I have been married for a very long time. For the first half of the marriage, DH earned more, for the past 20 years and continuing, I’m bringing the higher income home. All the time the finances have been joint, no ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ only ‘ours’ - because that’s fair and a good partnership.

That's a horrible setup with children involved. B should not agree to a move and the whole financial agreement needs to be renegotiated

Agreed although this is a better version of what they had until earlier this year. It had been completely 50/50 on bills until I told B they had to insist on a fairer split earlier this year. A made it hard work and B found it very distressing but wants to try to make it work for the DC.

I don't understand how you could be married to someone and have such an excessive lifestyle and watch your partner count every penny. My husband earns 4x as much as me at the moment as we have a preschooler and I've changed career and gone part time for now but everything goes into a joint account. There is no his and mine. Same as when I had an inheritence, it all went in the joint pot to decide what to do with it as a family (Basically paid off the remaining mortgage and set up a couple of LISA's)

I agree about not getting any deeper in to this discrepancy with a larger house whilst he hoards his wealth and spends on expensive hobbies and designer clothing like a single bachelor. Ick.

I would not move as I would be initiating a divorce which ultimately might go somewhere towards helping my children understand how to treat others and to be treated. I would recommend this to B and hopefully over time their perspective might allow this.

This is not a marriage; it’s a fucking disaster.

Unfortunately since A is clearly looking out for themselves, protecting their significantly higher income, B needs to do the same. If I were B I wouldn’t be putting myself under additional financial pressure given this situation. If anyone needs to feel guilty about the DC not having extra space it’s A.

I honestly don’t know how people live like this, it’s bonkers imo.

If I were B I would be moving, but not with A.

B needs to divorce A because he's financially screwing her over.

I'd divorce first, well actually would not have married or procreate with such a tight arsehole.

I earn 4 times what my dh does, but all the money we bring in goes in a pot, and I look after it, but he can take whatever he likes.

A has a problem.

If they are married, and have children, then if they get divorced the assets of the marriage would be split up in such a way that the needs of the children would be put first.

If B consults a solicitor they may well find that they would be much better off divorced.

I had a marriage like this - he did not want to share and considered me a gold digger even though we both went in with nothing, both worked and he did no childcare (different in this situation I see).

I'd suggest that you encourage B to see a solicitor and see how much better off both they AND the children could be if divorced.

A's attitude is stopping their kids having a nicer life.

In fact, I'd go as far as A is financially abusing B.

Both A and B do work full time. They use paid childcare to enable this, but A does very little childcare outside of this. B is responsible for the children most evenings and weekends alone. B worries about what would happen with the children if they divorced.

If B worries about what would happen to the children if they divorced and given all the other circumstances I think it is quite likely that A is seriously exploiting B.

There is obvious financial inequality, and I'd suggest that given the set up it is likely A sees the children as "belonging" to B. This sort of view tends to lead to not great parenting and can escalate to abuse.

In your shoes I'd be much more concerned about B than the just financial. Can you talk to B about how he is treating her?