I'm obsessed with money

[dancinginthesunlight3]

I am so scared of having no money. It means money is the most important thing in my life about all else.

I fear losing my job everyday and falling into poverty. I do not want money to buy 'nice' things, I don't care about having a flash car, expensive clothes, jewellery, holidays etc. I'm just terrified of not having money for the basics, or not being able to pay the mortgage or getting in debts with bills, or everything spiralling and ending up in a cardboard box. I know that's extreme but it's how it is.

I wish I wasn't so obsessed with money. If someone has a lot money I feel very envious (especially if they didn't work for that money themselves) because they don't have to worry about losing their job and not being able to afford food as a consequence.

How do I stop feeling this. I do have some savings and I don't buy many nice things because I feel so guilty about spending money and then needing it for something important later.

Create a clear and set budget, start a savings account and contribute the same amount to it consistently and also have a savings goal that would make you feel "comfortable" so you can relax. The best way to solve money issues generally is controlled spending and increase income. Whatever youve budgeted as "spending money" spend and enjoy. And dont look at others pockets, the amount of credit card debt isbshocking! I didnt know so many people actually use Klarna to shop!

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Hiya.

This is a bit extreme but understandable.

How do you feel about calculating how much you need in savings as a buffer against job loss (some people might say calculate to cover 3 or 6 months with no pay) then you start to build up to that amount and tell yourself once that amount saved that it is now a safe amount of savings and you can relax a tiny bit, then relax a bit more.

Being careful with money is not the most awful thing you can do (have a hug)

Try not to worry about something you can't control. If you have some savings, you are doing better than many.

If you lose your job and can't pay the mortgage, you will rent. It might be a houseshare, it might be a mobile home, it might be a tent or a shelter for the homeless, but so what really if you go bankrupt. You will find an alternative job eventually and will rebuild. People generally survive.

Try to focus on something else.

Op what kind of childhood did you have? Were your parents comfortable or were they always struggling financially?

Financial trauma shows up very much like this. I have a sibling who is very much like this and it hugely impacts your close relationships.

To others it looks very much like being a stingy, incredibly frugal or having an overwhelming obsession with making money etc. But really the frugality is masking an underlying anxiety about going without. I don’t know if this resonates and I could be completely wrong but I’d recommend some therapy to unpick it and understand where it stems from, because it really is no way to live.

I am very similar.
My parents were poor, my mum still is, and she’s still having to work in her 70s because she couldn’t control herself with money.
Ive always worried, I have to really think before I buy myself something.
I got divorced and I own my own home, I have a good buffer of money in savings, but still I can’t relax.
If I need to buy something I’m adding it all up and stressing. I don’t enjoy buying anything, but I’m not stingy, I want to spend and enjoy it, but a childhood of no money, followed by a financially abusive marriage has really scarred me

Have you considered counselling? I think talking it through with someone decent can help unpick your thought processes and find a more comfortable balance.

Somehow we all have to strike a reasonable balance between living for today and planning for the future.

Have you considered counselling? I think talking it through with someone decent can help unpick your thought processes and find a more comfortable balance.

Somehow we all have to strike a reasonable balance between living for today and planning for the future.

Sounds like you were either raised in poverty or had a parent who stressed endlessly about money, and it's rubbed of on you.
I used to be the same. My dm was terrified of the cooker or the fridge going wrong (my df was a gambler) and for years I couldn't allow myself to spend anything.
I came out of uni in the black (almost impossible) but had done literally nothing in those 3 years except study.
Finally realised I was limiting my own life, so I saved up 1 year's salary, put it in an ISA and then gave myself a budget every month to spend guilt free.
Once you allow yourself a little freedom, you'll feel better. No need to go mad but give yourself £50 fun money a month and see where you get to.😊

we had our home repossessed when I was a teen (after not a good childhood) wonder if this caused my issue with saving.

I’m exactly the same! I do buy nice things but it’s a huge decision for me. I’m upset if I don’t save. I HATE any sort of credit. I’ve had low paid jobs all my life but I’ve saved that much that I was mortgage free before 40 & I don’t have car credit etc.

I’ve just set up a DD for a holiday next year for my 7yo DD & it’s really set me back, the responsibility of it I think. So now I’m saving even more.

I spend more easily for my DD than I do for myself.

I wonder if anything happened in your formative years that could’ve caused it? I feel for you, it’s stressful.

Educating yourself about money and how to manage it might be helpful? I find the Meaningful Money podcast excellent

I came at life from a very different perspective. I had lost several of my dearest friends , and my first boyfriend, by the time I was 25. (in a series of unconnected tragedies). It taught me that we never know how long we have and life is for living. It took me a while to save anything! But I had some amazing adventures that I don't regret.

Please don't put off living life too much. There's a happy medium (and I have decent savings now) but we only have one life to live and we aren't guaranteed a long one

I've been trying very hard to break free from this and start to enjoy my life and have some nice things.
I've paid my mortgage and I'm debt free with 6 months pay in an ISA so I've started to save for nice things like a holiday or home improvements.
I find it really hard to spend even when it's saved money and I know it's allocated for that expense.
I know this is because I've experienced financial trauma, I grew up with very little and struggled for much of my young adult life.
Like I say, I'm working through it but I don't think I'll ever be a big spender, I just don't want to die lying on a mattress of cash having wasted opportunities to have fun.
I'm probably not the right person to give advice but I have found it useful to have a separate saves account for 'spends' and I don't mentally add this money to my 'safety net' saves.

Do you earn well? How skilled is your work? Do you upskill regularly?
How likely is your job to disappear?

Personally if I felt like you I think I'd be looking to increase my earning potential and make myself as secure as possible. Own home debt free. Have a years living expenses. Pay the maximum possible into my pension.

Then I'd learn everything I could about investing and managing money to make it work for me and not visa versa.

At this point if I was still unreasonably worried about money I'd get therapy.

Are you sure this isn’t just being extremely anxious - and your mind has chosen money as the outlet? Treatment for anxiety may help
what you’ve written down in terms of savings etc means that what is in your head isn’t matching your reality, which makes me think it’s Untreated anxiety

As others have said what was your childhood like when it came to money? I was brought up in a home where my Father was permanently stressed about money. It was always the reason we couldn't do things. He was always "about to be made redundant"; however, looking back he was actually frivolous with money and would freely spend on himself.

Money is very much a trigger for me as a result. Of any crisis in my life, ones involving money are the hardest. My way of "coping" has been to get in to a profession and earn well.

I also do have the same issues with being jealous of people who have inherited large sums/have one high earning spouse and don't have to work, but ultimately I think it is about being jealous of that security which I don't feel I have (and have never had even as a child). So I try to be kind on myself on that front.

Having savings has brought me comfort. I have enough for 3 months expenses. I also budget carefully and allow myself money for certain items in that.

I'm like this. Got very out of control through covid lockdowns. It is my main trigger. Honestly I don't know why either as I had a good upbringing where money was not an issue. It's basically anxiety. I'm okay now as long as I deal with it in my own way. I have 4-6 months in savings (which I could stretch if needed), got life/income protection insurance, have different pots on Monzo for things, have a set food/leisure/petrol budget.

My sister and I had a financially perilous experience of childhood and we're both like this. For me it got to a point where it was not being able to sleep/heart palpitations level of bad.

Two things helped me: 1) doing something I could control, namely setting a savings target that sounded like it would make me feel better and then working to reach it. I also made a list of expenses that I could axe if I needed to reduce my spending quickly. I also have YNAB and use it to keep track of all my expenditure and savings goals (highly recommend it). Then 2) working on accepting that I didn't have complete control (this is a lot harder). Remembering that I had been destitute in the past yet I got through it. Knowing that I have skills and abilities to earn money. Knowing that if I lost everything I could move in with family or friends. Knowing that there's government support if I needed it.

The second one obviously takes a lot longer to sink in, but the first one goes a long way towards helping. It's tough, good luck.

Did you grow up poor OP? I did and I totally get what you mean. When you've been in a situation where you can't eat because there's no money for food it leaves a scar.

OP,
Try and get some therapy to work on why you feel this way and to put some coping mechanisms in place.

I'm like this too OP. It's mainly due to our past redundancy and debts and our parent's frugal lives.

To combat it, we each have a fun spending budget of £200pm that goes into a current account to be spent on whatever we want. I usually spend on hair and beauty treatments, DH spends on tech. I rarely spend all of mine and I do end up saving most of it but if I see something expensive I really want, I have given myself permission to spend it.

I'm an accountant too so I run our finances like a business. Cashflow forecasts going forward for 15yrs, a monthly cashbook to analyse spending pattern, a net worth calculator and a P&L every month. It's ridiculous overkill but I enjoy doing it and helps me to look back at where I was a year/ 5years ago and plan for the future.

I think I have money anxiety or a money insecurity, I have an excel spreadsheet I use a zero budgeting method, many many categories, I try and balance savings with spending but I budget to the penny, many months ahead, so I can see projections any pound spent is deducted and affects, via a paste link special to my budget in 6 months time etc
Anyway, I'm thinking it could be a control issue as I hate going for dinner with friends as i wonder what the bill will come to, will they order an expensive bottle of wine etc , is it fair if their dinner is more expensive and go over my budget when we split the bill , It's almost like they are spending my money for me , so it's a control issue.

The balance between enjoying life because you don’t know how long it will be, and having a contingency fund, is a tricky one. I was talking to a friend about it at the weekend. We didn’t come to any firm conclusions!

I relate to this op. I grew up poor. There have been times in my life that I’ve had no money for food.

Look into saving an emergency fund of 6/12 months living expenses in an easy access account, that should provide peace of mind in the event of a job loss/disaster, you also look at protecting your income with insurance ect..