Family asking for money

[iloveteddies]

Hello, i am after some opinions/advice. My mum and dad were always very bad with handling money. Both my sister and I bailed them out several times including selling our properties. My sister has been giving them more money than I have and she is now constantly asking me for money. I don't live in the same country as them and parents have been doing lots of child care/cooking/helping around sisters house. She doesn't see that she was getting any benefit from that and still feels hard done. Both her and husband are blaming for leaving the country and they were left to deal with parents. Over the last year every month I was sending about 250 pounds to cover emergencies and some occasional 500 on top on couple of occasions. I haven't received any receipts etc but I trust my sister and I believe she is giving money as well. My husband doesn't agree with all this and after a discussion we agreed to pay portion of mums rent (our dad has died) but I am getting more requests for more. I offered to talk to mum and explain to her that she can't go on like that my sister thinks mum is going to keep going after maybe shedding some tears and shouting. I will talk to mum and then tell my sister because she keeps giving mum money I shouldn't be doing the same and I can't take any more of making me feel guilty for not suffering as much as she does. I can't help but feel guilty. I am not even mentioning to them that I have some health issues and don't need the extra stress. Thanks 🙏 and sorry for the long post

Both my sister and I bailed them out several times including selling our properties

You're both crazy. Why are you paying anything at all? Is this a cultural expectation?

You’ll just have to be tough and say there’s no more money available. If she rants and cries, so be it. If you’re prepared for this reaction, then somehow it does seem so bad. The more you give in, the more she’ll demand, and you’re encouraging her behaviour. Don’t let her guilt trip you.

Thanks for the reply, it is partially cultural expectation. I think I needed some opinions whether I am planning to do the right thing by being firm and say no but the guilt is so overwhelming. Due to my health issues that I haven't disclosed to either of them I just kept saying yes to stop adding to my mental pain but is starting to effect my relationship with husband he is from a different culture background and can't understand but I feel I understand him and agree with him. I mainly left my home country because of the toxic family environment and I have build a life and have a great husband and daughter. I must be an adult and put my limits and work further with my guilt 😔. Thanks again 👍

This is crazy. Spend the money on some therapy. You are not responsible for this shitshow and are doing yourself no favours. Your DH has been patient!

Thanks I needed to hear from people outside that my thinking is ok, my sister disagrees with confronting mum, and trying to make me feel guilty by saying she is the one that has to deal with mums rage. however I am planning to go ahead and talk to mum. I don't think I can sit there and contribute constantly. Mum is an adult and not our child her shouting crying etc is childish behavior and we are enabling her to continue. Wish me luck 🤞 just need to pick a day and do it? Anyone has any advice approaching family/friends to talk to them about their spending habits?

This is more a relationship issue than a financial one.

Being generous to family is one thing, and in some cultures is expected. But becoming a burden on you financially including selling property, that's never on. I feel really bad for you that you've been so kind and supporting but you're still being made to feel guilty. You sound lovely and caring and I think you need a break from this.

Is there any reason why your mother can't be financially independent?

Thanks for the message. Unfortunately, she only gets some support from government like equivalent of universal credits in the Uk and they haven't planned for any private pension. They had a business that managed to get up to 250k in debt hence the bailing out by selling our properties. My sister hands her over an amount every month that seems to go, either of them to account for it as to where it goes.They say is miscellaneous and then they leave bills etc unpaid and they suddenly appear to me and asking for money. Mum seems to be goin g out a lot and buying clothes etc , she lies about having them from the past but I can tell they are new. I can see posting on socials about going out and mini breaks.According to my sister she overspend the last year about 14k from dad's Savings and there's none left.I feel really guilty for judging her, and my sister is asking not to talk to mum because she is scared of her rage. I just about had enough now. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to start the conversation with mum? I think once I get going I am able to finish the job but is the initial approach that is scaring me

I don't think there is any reason to feel guilty about no longer bailing out someone who's pissed through huge amounts of money through reckless spending and poor decisions, even when it is clear that the money was running out.

She must have just assumed that you and DSis will continue to bankroll her lifestyle. But why should you when she's acting like a young adult living at home and blowing all her money on fun and trinkets instead of being a responsible adult and prioritising essential rent and bills?

Unless you genuinely have lots of spare money and are financially secure, including where you want to be with pension, housing etc, then tell her that due to the high cost of living in the UK and the failure of wages to keep up with price rises, you are sorry but you can't give her any more money.

You say your DM helps your DSis a lot, could she move in with her? Would that be mutually agreeable?

Otherwise, has she applied for any support she is entitled to where she lives? Does she have a pension? Can she work? You don't say how old she is, which could be anything from late 40s up to much older. Can she sell any of the what sounds like huge amounts of clothes etc that she must have?

What is the normal expectation about supporting older people where she lives? I know that in some countries there is no pension as such and people live with their adult children if they can't afford to live independently.

I think your mum needs to learn to live within her means. It's not acceptable for you to scrimp while she splurges.

I'm sorry to say that I believe you are in a financially abusive relationship. You could benefit from advise on firm boundary setting. I know this might be very difficult and I wish you well, it will be for the best in the long term.

I feel for your sister being stuck in close proximity with your mum while you're in another country. It's almost always the shortest of short straws. I imagine that she's also getting piled on for not helping enough, by your mum's friends and neighbours and any other relatives over there

But you sold your houses to bail your parents out, and you've costantly been sending money, which your mum isn't even grateful for.

It's time to write to your mum and spell out that you did all these things (particularly the house sale) for them, but you also have your own family to support now, and a house to finance.

You also need to support your sister in creating her own boundaries. But as she's in the middle of that cultural environment, it will be so much harder for her.

I would suggest that you write down the points you want to convey to your mother so that when you have the conversation you can stick to your points and not get drawn into histrionics with her. Maybe things like -

I am not going to be sending you money any more. We cannot afford it. We have our own family.

I am not responsible for your poor financial choices. You have refused to listen to reason.

Your financial security is not my responsibility. I have helped you as much as I can, and I can do no more.

Then you can decide if you write to her or speak to her. You might have to rethink your boundaries with both your mother and your sister. Reduce contact if necessary. If either of them start up with behaviours that pile on the guilt or rage, then end the conversation and tell them you will not be spoken to like that.

Learn about healthy relationships and boundaries. Your life will be all the better for it.

Thanks 🙏 everyone for their comments and suggestions. She is mid 60s she has been unemployed for maybe 7-8 years she seems to be having a lot of trouble to stick to a workplace she has been asked to leave from jobs in the past. She is still not entitled to a state pension and she hasn't got a private one either so it is what ever is the equivalent of universal credits etc in the UK. My brain understand that boundaries need to be set but when I think about it overwhelming guilt takes over and thinking about my sister. I guess that because I still feeling guilty for leaving her there. But it wasn't easy when I came over 20 years ago completely on my own. She had opportunities to leave even before I left and stay away as well but she returned back within months. I guess their relationship is far more complicated, it seems to be some sort of strange codependency? I am talking to a therapist and working through issues. I think writing things down sounds a great idea. Then I can have everything ready and processed in my head ready to move forward.