dh wants to talk about debt all of the time aaaaargh

[seashellsshore]

Morning

DH and I are in the process of finally sorting our debts out. years of overspending and disorganisation has meant that we have accrued a very large joint debt of about 50k on a household income of £115K - totally unacceptable and uneccesary. The penny dropped when we realised that we would probably not be able to get a new mortgage etc. Since last October we have been totally on it and we are doing well. Each month we are paying the minimum payments and then throwing an additional £1200 at the debts. This will get them cleared relatively quickly

My issue is that dh wants to talk about it ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I am not trying to bury my head or anything, however we have a plan that is working, so for me it's just a case of riding it out now until we're done. This morning we were both awake early and he started asking " I wonder how much we are down to now" and " I really wish it was all paid off"

I am not saying that it should never be spoken about, but this is literally everyday, several times a day etc. I have suggested that we sit down once a month and have a look at the figures, update the spreadsheet together etc - he thinks that is too formal!!

I want the debt to be gone just as much as he does, however for me, we have a plan with a definite end date. There is nothing else I/we can do to speed things up and to be honest I don't want to spend this period of my life constantly worrying or stressing over a shitty problem that we created, but we are fixing.

He is more anxious about it than you, it seems, and doing a thorough review every month may well make him more anxious. He may be reminding himself daily in order to ensure he doesn't slip into spending again. Try to accept you have different approaches and perhaps agree to reach a compromise about when & where it is discussed. Then stick to your agreement and encourage each other. You will get there but if you're not careful your relationship will suffer irreparably. Money worries can run very deep.

I don’t think either of you are wrong. I can understand you not wanting to be reminded about it all of the time but he is obviously thinking about it a lot. He may need to see the money actually going down in a spreadsheet so he can work out timescales etc. Youre just processing it in different ways.

I don’t either of you are wrong. I think you need to agree how and when to discuss it. If he’s finding it stressful I can see why he wants to discuss it more but I do agree with you, I’d find that stressful to be reminded

Maybe he thinks you should trim sending right down and pay it off quicker ? Are you still buying /doing things that might be extravagant or unnecessary?

I guess if you've had to change your lifestyle dramatically to cut back on overspending as well as what you can afford daily he wants to keep an eye to know when you can have a better of quality of life to reflect you income?

Can you not just say you don't know but he can check?

Is there anything else worrying him? Is his job at risk, hence his heightened concern?

Is the spreadsheet kept up to date? There’s doesn’t need to be a big formal update each month but if it’s always updated he can check it whenever he’s concerned

You’re dealing with the same worry differently. Neither of you are wrong.

I agree with you. Neither of you are wrong and your husband is clearly anxious about paying it all off.

I think you should be formally checking it every week not every month. You're on a high salary. Can't you pay off a little bit more per month?

This might be part of what is keeping him on track. He needs constantly to be engaging with not spending.

You haven’t said much about how you racked up £50k in the first place. Assuming you are both on similar salaries, that’s equivalent to a year of pre-tax pay. It’s a lot, as you say.

Overspending like that is structural and possibly emotional. It needs quite a lot of unpicking. Was the debt both of yours? Have you got to the bottom of why he overspent?

Hi

Yes it's joint debt but more of it is in my name. It was acculumated due to years of overspending, consolidating, being disorganised etc. There are no excuses and it should not have happened

Ate you still overspending? Getting rid of the debt is one thing, racking up more again would be madness?

Does he worry you are not addressing the overspending and hence triggered to mention it all the time as a way to remind you?

We had a big drop in income (life choice). I do a lot of the daily bills paying/household shops/budgeting. DH is more of a spender. I cannot help but get twitchy if he starts talking about spending as he shows no indication that he "gets" we cannot just spunk money wherever we like these days.

If more if it is in your name is there a chance you feel guilty about it and that’s why you don’t want to think about it so much.

I promise I’m not having a go. I’ve been there and my solution was a spreadsheet and then a very fortunate inheritance that solved it. Still have the spreadsheet to keep track of monthly bills etc and check it every week.

Saying it was ‘disorganised’ and ‘should not have happened’ does not explain how and why it happened.

It sounds as though you maybe don’t want to get into the How and Why the overspending happened, because that more on you than on him. And this might be the reason your DH keeps bringing it up. He’s looking for reassurance - which you aren’t giving him.

Keeping a track and checking is a good thing. Will stop it happening again. My husband I check our bank accounts a few times a week. Keeps us on track. I would imagine it’s his way of feeling in control and knowing it is all going well. I would leave him be and it will probably Peter out after a while.

Why does he have to ‘wonder’ if it’s coming down? Why doesn’t he have access to the info himself?

If he’s left it all to you to sort, but also doesn’t want to formally review a spreadsheet once a month, I can see that it’s irritating if it just feels like he’s complaining about the process. But it’s also OK for him to wish it was all paid off and want to express that frustration.

There’s loads of tools you could use to give a visual progress record of the balances reducing - maybe look at something like undebtit so he can be more involved on a day to day basis and check when he wants, rather than once a month.

For me finances are fun. I genuinely get excited about budgeting. I am the one who sorts everyone’s finances. And both DP and I are slightly obsessive about it. But I wouldn’t wake up every morning and go through it.

Tell him to get on with it, but quietly.

I was going to say, if it's more yours than his, I'm sure you don't want him bringing it up all the time. Feels a bit like a guilt trip.

Obviously you know it was silly getting into that position, but if he's agreed how you're going to pay it off and is happy with it, I'd also find it stressful to keep being reminded about it, so I know why you are.

Maybe you could look at really cutting back and paying it off quicker as a pp says