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Original poster

Been an idiot with money & have to come clean

19 replies

Haventaclue2 · 19/07/2023 13:40

Just as the title really really....not really sure what I'm looking for people to say but wanted to get it off my chest...

I took a years unpaid LOA after maternity leave an run up some debt. DH was covering all the bills and giving me a small allowance and basically I overspent, no real excuse to be honest I was an idiot. Debt was poorly managed and resulted in 2 defaults.

I've now been back in work 2 years and I've just secured a permanent position which with an increase in hours will significantly increased my salary. Debt is down to around 4k and credit is improving but the defaults are going to be an issue for the next 5 years...

We need to move and have just viewed a house that we love and is now affordable.
I've previously spoken to a mortgage advisor who specialises in poor credit applications and has lenders who would accept us for what we are looking to borrow but obviously the rates are going to be higher.

He has always said if I needed more money to ask and not get in debt but I was stubborn and stupid. I've lied and said I don't have debt because I'm so embarrassed that I got myself in this situation 🙁

Our house is being valued tomorrow with the view to put it on the market and put an offer in the house we viewed so I'm going to have to come clean tonight.

He's going to be furious and rightly so, why have I been such an idiot?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 19/07/2023 13:43

Could you still afford it if you cleared the debt from the house sale ? But yes, fess up time. And I’d be furious.

Temporaryname158 · 19/07/2023 13:44

You need to be honest as very quickly. You’ve been very foolish.

Original poster

Haventaclue2 · 19/07/2023 13:50

DustyLee123 · 19/07/2023 13:43

Could you still afford it if you cleared the debt from the house sale ? But yes, fess up time. And I’d be furious.

We can afford it, we could afford it prior to my wage increase.

I'm telling him tonight ...

OP posts:

LauraNicolaides · 19/07/2023 13:57

It's all a bit arbitrary how much these sorts of mistakes end up costing.

As you say, after six years they drop off your record. A bit earlier in life it would have made very little difference. But when you're at a stage where you're getting a mortgage and you end up having to pay significantly higher interest on large amounts of money (for an adverse-credit mortgage) it's unfortunately really expensive.

Earlybirdyy · 19/07/2023 15:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DustyLee123 · 19/07/2023 21:13

Let us know how you go OP. 🤞🏻

ArcticSkewer · 19/07/2023 21:28

What did you actually spend the money on? Why wasn't it shared family income?

Testina · 19/07/2023 22:13

He gave you an allowance and you would have had to ask for more? 🤬

Toothiepegg · 20/07/2023 12:01

How did you get on op?

Original poster

Haventaclue2 · 20/07/2023 17:17

It went okay, he was annoyed that I didn't go to him when I needed money, he wasn't furious - he's not the type to be fair, I was being a drama queen there.

I've spoken to a lovely mortgage advisor this morning who specialises in adverse credit mortgages, we'll have no trouble getting a mortgage as we have plenty of equity and aren't over stretching our selves (the house we like needs a lot of work) that has definitely softened the blow...it will cost us £100 more a month which I'll cover.

Just to explain a bit, when my Mat leave ended it was a last minute decision to take a LOA (due to family needing more support and no longer having help with childcare mainly) and I didn't have savings as the last 4 months of Mat leave had been unpaid.
We agreed that I would take £300 a month out of DHs savings until the end of LOA and I returned to work. I appreciate this is a lot of money but by the time I had paid for my car tax, insurance, petrol (I was doing a lot of running around, both families lives 15 miles away in opposite directions) phone etc there wasn't much left. As I was already draining his savings I didn't want to ask for more...I was an idiot and spent on a credit card over the course of a year assuming I would be returning to work. 6 weeks before I was due to return I was told my job was no longer available and they were under no obligation to me to find one. I interviewed for 7 roles in those 6 weeks but couldn't find anything.

It took a few months for me to find another job by time I had stupidly gotten myself in a right mess. There were also other things going on, my father had a stroke and I'm his sole carer or example but I'll save you my life story. I was a complete idiot and should have asked for help and I take full responsibility for that.

DH is pissed off but really I've gotten lightly..

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 20/07/2023 17:46

Glad it’s all turned out ok.

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2023 17:49

I dunno, it sounds like your husband totally exploited you for free childcare and expected you to survive on a pittance but perhaps you really were spending all that money on dresses?

Clymene · 20/07/2023 17:54

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2023 17:49

I dunno, it sounds like your husband totally exploited you for free childcare and expected you to survive on a pittance but perhaps you really were spending all that money on dresses?

Totally. Why did your husband have savings which you were so frightened to use as you were spending the pittance he gave you on caring for his kid and your dad?

You know he was expecting you to survive on less than single person JSA?

nodogz · 20/07/2023 17:58

It's really not the end of the world so I'm glad you've come clean.

Sounds like it was culmination of life throwing one of those awful episodes of shit at you.

4k isn't a life changing amount of debt. However, if you cover the mortgage shortfall it will rise again. I don't think this should be your sole expense.

Marriage is a partnership, you need to tackle this together. You don't have to cover your costs, you don't need to hide genuine life costs. Sometimes you pitch in with cash, sometimes with action and support. And never both unless it's a joint decision.

lemmein · 20/07/2023 18:01

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2023 17:49

I dunno, it sounds like your husband totally exploited you for free childcare and expected you to survive on a pittance but perhaps you really were spending all that money on dresses?

Agree with this.

I don't think you're the problem here OP!

Parky04 · 20/07/2023 18:07

lemmein · 20/07/2023 18:01

Agree with this.

I don't think you're the problem here OP!

Show quote history

So you all just ignored the part where the DH said just ask him if she requires more money!

Testina · 21/07/2023 09:45

@Parky04 “So you all just ignored the part where the DH said just ask him if she requires more money!”

Far from ignored it, it’s part of why I replied as I did.

My husband earns way less than me. If he wants/needs money he just takes it from our joint account. (we have a specific shared account for all family expenses)
I wouldn’t ever belittle him by making him ask for money. My children ask for money.

lemmein · 21/07/2023 12:52

So you all just ignored the part where the DH said just ask him if she requires more money!

How demeaning. She's not his child!

IkeaChair · 21/07/2023 21:35

Oh OP. Your credit card debt is the least of your problems.

Your husband, who is supposed to love and care for you, "gave" you £300pm out of "his savings" to cover all your expenses, including your car and phone while you were looking after your joint child and family members, and you were afraid to ask for more of "his" savings?

This is not right. You should both have access to all family money and you should not need to "ask" him for money, ever. Legally every penny in his accounts belongs equally to you. The starting point in a divorce is 50/50 of all assets, regardless of whose names they are in.

Joint account for all family/household expenditure, including cars, phones and child-related expenses. Joint savings. Joint investments. Then separate individual accounts for leisure/discretionary spending - which should be equal for both of you.

Your husband sounds financially controlling. I'd research Financial Abuse and see if any of it rings true for you.

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