Sorry, I'm back now.
With ironic timing, Mum just rang as she needed me to sort out a problem with her electricity.
Only quickly skimmed these comments, but I'll try and cover the scepticism.
I have twins, born prematurely, both autistic and with a range of other associated disabilities. DS special school, DD in mainstream with support but no longer coping there.
DD has a significant language disorder in addition to autism and ADHD and often can't speak/respond. She isn't able to communicate with anyone she doesn't know, and even those that she does know, she doesn't always understand what's being said.
DS has quite severe autism, dyspraxia and a global delay. He is still in nappies.
Both aged 13 years old. As examples, neither are capable of crossing a road by themselves or walking into a shop on their own. Neither can wash themselves or shower alone. DS needs physical assistance, DD just gets overwhelmed and forgets what to do. DS holds my hand or sits on my lap wherever we are. Luckily I'm quite tall myself so there's still room!!
Last week we had family over from Italy, and met in a coffee bar. DS crawled under the table and refused to come out.
Just before I was pregnant, my dad was diagnosed with Huntington's Disease and rapidly went downhill. He lived in warden controlled housing but I used to pick him up every morning, cook all his meals, then take him home to sleep every night. Dad has now sadly passed away. Just before he died he was about to move into a nursing home as he was no longer safe to be left at night. He was also about to start PEG feeding as he lost his swallow reflex. His death was unexpected but perhaps saved him from the worst of his illness.
My DM has cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair a lot of the time. I have been classed as her carer all my life. She divorced my dad when I was 8 and I am the eldest child. Mum is in really bad shape now. She needs help with intimate care and also gets confused. She's extremely vulnerable to scammers. My stepdad (80) is there too. He's had a heart attack and very unwell himself. Mum fell when I wasn't there a couple of months ago and he couldn't help her up. This is why I'm building an annexe so I'm right there.
Yes, I care for 3 people. But as per the above, I used to care for 4 people - and my dad's needs were possibly the hardest of them all. So life is easier now.
I was a senior manager in a FTSE 100 firm and on a fab salary. I was planning on returning to work. I couldn't return as dad needed to be cared for, plus my twin babies were very tiny, and had lots of medical needs. So I set up my own business working as an editor and freelance writer. I still do this now, 13 years on.
Although I care for three people, it's possible to look after more than 1 person at a time. So you don't need to add 35+35+35. My son's needs are high but he adores his nanna, and DM loves spending time with him.
DP is off sick, he's always worked FT until now. He's waiting to see a neurologist and ENT. No, it's not safe for him to travel alone because he occasionally passes out - especially if exposed to bright lights or excessive movement (such as moving in a car/bus etc). He's been admitted to hospital in the past for 2 weeks with this condition, but it has rapidly deteriorated. I don't know what the future holds for him right now - he's struggling with his mental health as he's now been made redundant, and doesn't know if he'll ever be able to return to the job he loved.
I have lost many, many, many lucrative contracts over the years because I couldn't be as available as clients wanted due to my caring responsibilities. Clients want you to be available to talk to 9-5pm, and I'm not. I frequently work at night, and at the weekends. DS needs to be checked throughout the night as he's not safe. If he hurt himself, or was sick, or his nappy leaked over his bed, he would just stay there. He wouldn't seek my help as he gets overwhelmed. If he hurts himself, he hides and won't let anyone see. A few years ago he had a broken elbow (happened at school) for three days and no one knew.
I have a mortgage to pay. I HAVE to work. I can't manage on the £70-ish quid from Carer's Allowance. I would absolutely fucking LOVE just to go to bed at a normal time, sleep and get up in the morning but I can't. I have to work. And night is really the main time I get to do that - unless DM needs me or my son is having a bad night. Oh, also, DD struggles with her sleep (ADHD) so she's often awake until 2 or 3am and frequently needs me too.
No one said this was fun, or easy. I didn't expect to still be providing this level of care to my children as teenagers, yet here we are. They're funny, kind, and wonderful company. Their needs are just a small part of who they are.
Yes, I should have claimed DLA years ago. I have tried to get started so many times but couldn't bring myself to do it. I hate having to describe their disabilities. Also, I'm autistic/ADHD myself and for some reason, I have just had this mental block over doing the sodding DLA forms for them. As we're now in a crippling financial position, it gave me the kick up the arse I needed.
Anyone from the DWP is very, very welcome to come and shadow me for a week and they'll find that I've been scrupulously honest about everything. I have nothing to hide. Luckily, so far we haven't had any suggestion that they don't believe me.
I did wonder whether I should just wait to put in for the Carer's Premium until the DC's DLA gets granted but honestly, I'm in such dire financial straits with DP off work for 6 months+ I could do with the extra little bit of money now. I am well aware that I'm an idiot for not getting off my arse and doing it before. But in my defence, I am also an exhausted idiot.
Hopefully this long account provides enough information to assuage any doubt. But if you don't believe me, that's your prerogative. I only wanted some advice re the financial element and I'm very grateful for the advice (and support) here today. Thank you so much.