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Original poster

Enable partner to manage money help?

11 replies

Helpmuchneeded · 06/05/2023 13:26

How do I train my partner to manage money?

I have been in hospital for months with illness so left him to keep eye on finances.

Suffice to say I come out to such a severe mess the wedding is called off! (I can't be financially legally tied to someone when it gets this bad) it's not out of no love or proving a point, it's purely logical and safest option for me.

I'm taking control and once I've fixed the mess, I'm telling him how much to transfer for bills and rent, then he can do what he wishes with what's left... but... I know he will squander it then want more. So is there a better current account to enable budgeting? How do you train him up?

OP posts:
JagerbombsUnite · 06/05/2023 13:34

Well OP there are a lot of budgeting tools.. check out the MOneySavingExpert website.. also this:
https://www.ynab.com/

Ultimately though you have a much bigger problem - his relationship with money. It's psychological. Why is he spending so much? Does he have bad executive function? Or just not care?

If he cannot even see that he has a problem then you can't do much I'm afraid.

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Original poster
Helpmuchneeded · 06/05/2023 13:37

JagerbombsUnite · 06/05/2023 13:34

Well OP there are a lot of budgeting tools.. check out the MOneySavingExpert website.. also this:
https://www.ynab.com/

Ultimately though you have a much bigger problem - his relationship with money. It's psychological. Why is he spending so much? Does he have bad executive function? Or just not care?

If he cannot even see that he has a problem then you can't do much I'm afraid.

So many excuses tbh. He clams up and panics whenever I try to sit down and budget with him. But he's dragged me down with him this time so just separating everything and taking control. But I don't want to be accused of financial abuse 😭

But I've ended up being summoned to court over it... so it's extremely serious. All while I've never had an issue in my life managing money, even when I had none 😭 I'm devastated

OP posts:
JagerbombsUnite · 06/05/2023 13:41

How long have you been with him? Has it always been like this?
First step he needs to see a counsellor or get therapy.

This is much deeper than just 'not knowing' how to budget.

Honestly I know MN is quick to LTB but if I were you I'd seriously reconsider. Money is the number 1 cause of divorce and can cause lasting damage to not only your relationship but your financial future.

Original poster
Helpmuchneeded · 06/05/2023 13:49

JagerbombsUnite · 06/05/2023 13:41

How long have you been with him? Has it always been like this?
First step he needs to see a counsellor or get therapy.

This is much deeper than just 'not knowing' how to budget.

Honestly I know MN is quick to LTB but if I were you I'd seriously reconsider. Money is the number 1 cause of divorce and can cause lasting damage to not only your relationship but your financial future.

A long time and have daughter together. He's been like it before I met him. Never been great but managed... just. I'm wondering if it's stress response it seems through bad periods it always becomes a massive problem. But he won't deal with it at all, it's always others bailing him out. Either council, government or now me! I don't want to separate the family over money esp when it's great in all other aspects and he is an amazing dad with her. But I'm certainly not marrying and protecting myself and daughter from any financial liability. Hence taking control and keeping everything separate

OP posts:
Jmaho · 06/05/2023 14:24

It sounds extreme but I'm not sure I could be with someone like this
Whilst it's common for couples to have different spending habits he just sounds like an absolute idiot
To let you come out of hospital to this mess to deal with. What's he actually done has he not been paying anything?

Original poster
Helpmuchneeded · 06/05/2023 14:26

Jmaho · 06/05/2023 14:24

It sounds extreme but I'm not sure I could be with someone like this
Whilst it's common for couples to have different spending habits he just sounds like an absolute idiot
To let you come out of hospital to this mess to deal with. What's he actually done has he not been paying anything?

Nope from the minute he was dealing with it, not one penny has been paid 😭😭😭 so it's all big debts now!

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 06/05/2023 14:38

Why isn’t everything on a direct debit ?
my dad was in hospital for months last year, and even though my sibling had POA, and they looked at his accounts together once a week, but my sibling didn’t have to do a thing, apart from post the birthday cheques he signed.

but agree, don’t marry him and make sure this won’t happen again. He is a man child indeed, but in fairness, I look after all our money and pay the bills and just make sure OH has paid in his share to the right account.

Original poster
Helpmuchneeded · 06/05/2023 14:40

isthewashingdryyet · 06/05/2023 14:38

Why isn’t everything on a direct debit ?
my dad was in hospital for months last year, and even though my sibling had POA, and they looked at his accounts together once a week, but my sibling didn’t have to do a thing, apart from post the birthday cheques he signed.

but agree, don’t marry him and make sure this won’t happen again. He is a man child indeed, but in fairness, I look after all our money and pay the bills and just make sure OH has paid in his share to the right account.

We had just moved in when I got admitted, then was in hospital for months. So it hadn't been transferred or set up. Also turns out he had other debts which was why he was using my account when I was in 😭

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 06/05/2023 14:45

Ah, you didn’t say he was new to living with you. He sounds hopeless.
How did he manage before living with you ?

Original poster
Helpmuchneeded · 06/05/2023 14:46

isthewashingdryyet · 06/05/2023 14:45

Ah, you didn’t say he was new to living with you. He sounds hopeless.
How did he manage before living with you ?

I'm guessing council bailed him out 😭 and obvs the hidden debts I found out about yesterday he was going downhill again x

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/05/2023 14:56

Also turns out he had other debts which was why he was using my account when I was in
Are you saying he took your money to pay his debts, and didn't pay any of your bills?

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