Separation and finance help- at rock bottom

[wobblymum1]

Very quick backstory: alcoholic DH, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. I have hit rock bottom and want to leave for the safety of the kids. we have a house we share with a mortgage.

I earn very little - £24000 a year so I can do wrap around child care. Our son is autistic.
He earns nearly triple what I do. From a quick calculator on benefits forum I think he will need to pay £600 a month child maintenance. I’ve no idea how I’ll manage with just that + my salary with the kids full time (they won’t go to him overnight) but I guess I’ll cut my cloth and make it work. Likely by downsizing to small flat in a less good area with lower council tax and hearing costs as won’t need to be a 3 bedroom family home like we have just now.

He is older than me and has threatened in past that if I leave him he’ll immediately take retirement so he doesn’t need to pay me child maintenance. He is retirement age so can do this. He has only been in recovery 10 years
and barely has any pension so don’t think that will help me.

I have 0 savings. I think he has squirrelled money away but have not proof of this and he’s very clever. His cousin is a family lawyer and will represent him for free.

Because I do work full time hours (37.5 a week) and earn the salary above From what I can see I won’t get any benefits. How do others in my position make it all add up? To even afford the divorce let alone the aftermath?

I feel so desperate I can hardly breathe. I feel trapped. And scared.

Are you sure that you wouldn't get childcare help from UC? I would expect someone on your salary to receive help with that.

How much house equity do you have?

I don’t know. I’m not eligible for UC according to citizens advice. No wrap around child care at my children’s school and any paid for after school care round here is so expensive it’s awful. He paid £150k deposit on it which he ringfenced by a pre-nup I signed before we married. Think it is valued around £350k now. We have a lot left
on mortgage as only bought it 5 years ago.

Contact the finance support line for domestic abuse victims, womens aid are also helpful with advice on stuff like this. Your salary won’t stop
you being eligible for universal credit, if you have over 16k in savings it usually does. But seek proper advice about what you will be eligible for.

https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/

If your able to drop your work hours to 25 you will get all the help. Unfortunately thats what I had to do and now get all rent paid and all the other benefits and stupidly better off. Go over that and you get almost zero help. Got 4 kids and a 3 bed. Anyway wishing you the best of luck 🙂

If you are married the ring-fencing of the deposit may not be enforceable. It depends on how long you have been together because not just years married count but years together prior to marriage also are taken into account. Also, if he has savings then he has to disclose them. Do you know how much he is paid? Do you know what bank he bank's with, possibly a good time to look through any paperwork in the house to see if there is anything you can find.

Do you claim DLA for your child? This is gateway to other benefits. My sons autistic and I work PT. I get tax credits (now UC) on top, mainly the extra tax credits for a disabled child I don’t qualify for the childcare support. You can get tax credits up to about £45-50k income depending on rate of DLA your child gets. Under UC you get carer credit too i think. Try a benefits calculator and put in DLA as options. I also get the cost of living payments due to son getting DLA and me getting some tax credits. Contact is a disabled child charity with good info on benefits. Cerebra charity has a guide to dla for autism. If your child has lifelong care needs then the usual split of finances doesn’t apply as the court has to take their care and housing needs even as an adult into account.

I have applied for DLA but still waiting to hear about it.

thank you everyone x

With the dla you will get a top up from universal credit. If you’re not successful with dla then appeal. Have a look at the cerebra dla guide and join one of the many dla groups on Facebook (some have 60k members plus) for advice. You might also be able to get an amount from your local council for short breaks (it’s called short breaks but you can use the amount towards days out / toys / doing things depending on your council). It’s not means tested. We are with Norfolk council and get £1500 a year. It really helps. We use it to hire a private swimming pool and for cinema trips and a break to Haven. (Our son has autism). It’s well worth asking about. Obviously it won’t help you with the day to day stuff but it makes life more bearable.

Thank you so much