marriage finances

[sh66]

I'm wondering if what I'm experiencing is 'normal' in a relationship and whether I have unrealistic expectations as I'm feeling incredibly depressed right now.

I'm currently a full-time carer as my daughter (from a previous marriage) is bi-polar, epileptic, and needing constant care and support. She's tried to take her life at least a dozen times now and I'm scared to leave her alone, day or night. We got help from NHS, but like everything there's only so much they can do and it's only short-term. When she's medicated she gets nasty side effects so she prefers not to take the pills and I agree with that.

Unfortunately though, this has meant I've gone from a full-time job paying half of everything to husband having to pay 100% for mortgage, electric, council tax and food. Though he's made it clear I have to pay for anything else for myself and the kids (clothes, shoes, toiletries, car, school trips, etc). So I'm working freelance any spare time I get on evenings and weekends, also selling my clothes, shoes, trinkets, etc on ebay.

My husband recently got a 7-figure redundancy package before getting another job so has been spending like crazy (2 brand new sports cars/private box for him and his mates at the football/£300 bottles of wine, etc) but feels like he resents even so much as a penny he spends on me or the kids even to the point of a £3 movie.

A big part of me thinks: 'it's not your money, dont be so bloody ungrateful; there's so many people far worse off'. But there's also part of me - especially since my daughter got so ill - thinking: 'he's got over 7 figures in the bank, plus new salary on top; why can't he spend some of that helping her get better instead of buying flash cars that just sit in the garage?'

I asked him the other day if we could sell our house and move somewhere smaller so I could release a small bit of capital to help pay for medical treatment for my daughter, etc. (I paid a percentage towards it when I was still working full time). But he just said we wouldnt get another mortgage now I'm not working full-time and refused.

I know we're all under stress and I'm majorly burnt out, so maybe I'm not seeing clearly. I dont know what expectations are even realistic or fair. I don't want to be a burden or a freeloader. Honestly I dont. I just want to do what's best for my daughter to help her get through this. I'd just like some feedback on what other parents would expect in a situation like this please.

He’s got £1m+ in the bank and is being mean, financially to his wife and children? You would be better off divorced.

He has over 1m+ and your selling your clothes to finance yourself and children . Be honest what would you think if a friend told you that ?

This is financial abuse, he needs a little reminding that half of the household assets could be yours if you were to divorce him. How long have you been together and do you have any joint DC?

You’re married and financially dependent. It would cost him a lot more if you decided to divorce him. I’d remind him of that.

Are all your kids from previous relationships? You will see that most of the advice to women is to not spend a penny on step kids. That bio parents are 100% responsible for meeting all needs and wants of their bio children. How old is your daughter? Having an unmedicated young adult with major psychiatric and physical health conditions is a lot for anyone. It sounds like you are mostly with him for his wallet and the lifestyle it affords you. Personally, although controversial on here, I think women are competent adults like men and it isn't the duty of men to be a wallet to dependent women anymore than it is the duty of women to be a wallet for dependent men.

Are they his children?

Thanks so much for your helpful comments and advice. We have a pre-nup, so divorce will cost him nothing but will make life a whole lot harder for me and the kids (they aren't his kids, though they dont see their own dad). I can't see my daughter getting better any time soon. That's why it's so tricky.

How old are the kids? How long have you been married?

Did you ever love him or did you just marry him for the money and lifestyle he could give you and your kids?

At the end of the day, you are their parent. Not him. You are 100% responsible for the health and well-being of your own children and thinking a man with a big wallet and salary was the way to get that was foolish. A man (or woman) is not a plan. Your kids are not his responsibility. Just like if he had kids, they aren't your financial responsiblity.

I think you will find that pre nips don't stand in the uk. Google it.

Wow!!! That's crazy- you need to sit down and agree a new way of viewing finances. It should be a 'household income' - you're married- youre a team!! Then you should agree a budget together - he can have a certain amount of fun money to spend as he pleases.

Watch 'Dave ramsay' on YouTube in relation to finances and marriage.

He’s got £1m+ in the bank and is being mean, financially to his wife and children? You would be better off divorced.

this

what did he do to get such an amazing package?

Even if he's not their dad, if he loves you why would you want someone to suffer?

That's not strictly true anymore.

How long have you been married?

Can't believe posters defending him.

The OP has a severely disabled DC and cannot currently work. He has a million quid in the bank yet is refusing to buy clothes for her or pay a penny for his SDCs. She's not a stranger. She's his wife and he's supposed to love her above all other. But he's happy to spunk £££ on fast cars and booze and find days out for his mates. So that's nice.

WTAF is wrong with this man?

This is a very difficult one.

I totally understand wanting to be there for your daughter. What age is she?

But I can understand someone resenting becoming the only wage earner/taking on most bills especially where non of the kids are joint. But that’s why I won’t marry again and wouldn’t date someone with kids.

I can imagine to then be told we need to move to take more money out of the house, where the other person has contributed but now will be reducing that could be a contentious point.

I also think if a woman posted she was in the husbands position, they would be told his daughter isn’t her financial responsibility. Imagine a woman getting married then in the position where their husband had to to quit work so most expenses were picked up by the woman and now he wanted to force a house move to reduce the his contribution to a joint property. People wouldn’t jump to tell her she was awful for not wanting to continue it. How long were you married before you needed to give up work?

How much is this treatment? What’s the chances it works? What outcome is realistic. I can’t imagine not helping the person I love, help their daughter. Even with my thoughts on the above.

Though, I am not sure why you married. It’s really clear he expects to keep finances separate. He doesn’t want to combine them or be financially responsible for you and your kids. Prenups are often disregarded. But not always. Especially in short marriages with no kids.

It doesn’t sound like this relationship gives you what you want or need. Are you happy in general?