what do people do if they want to split up but can't afford to?

[eyeballsindebt]

Genuine question, nowhere near specifically thinking about this yet, but just weighing up options at the moment.

To give an idea of our finances, dh takes home £3100 a month, I take home £750. we have no childcare costs. Our mortgage is £2100 a month and utility bills about £400 a month. Food and kids stuff another £500. Car around £400 a month. Plus odd bits of clothes, bottles of wine, holidays, cinema trips etc etc and we have nowt left at the end of each month. So how on earth would we manage unless we stayed togather? Rental for even a poky 1 bed flat round here is £800 a month. what do people do???

Claim tax credits, mainly. That and sell the house/flat.

Sell the house with a mortgage like that I'd say I'm afraid.

The mortgage is massive. Do you have equity in the house? Would it be sensible, should you split, to sell the house and use equity to buy somewhere smaller/cheaper.
If you look at what you have financially, so £750 per month plus maintenance of about, say, 20 percent of your dh's salary, then that would come to about £1400 a month. Assuming that you take the bulk of equity to have a family home for you and the children, then would that be doable?
Bills would reduce in a smaller place.
Would lead to economising.

Have to say that I don't know anything about this subject, but that it may be worthwhile contacting a solicitor for advice.

When I was about to spilt with my ex I went on the tax credits web. On there you can do a rough estimate of what you are entitled to before you split.

Thought selling might be the only way. Yes there is about £350k of equity (50%) but to get anywhere half decent round here I'd need at least £500k, and not sure my income could support mortgage of £150k. Plus the upheaval for the dcs...

you can't split up and avoid upheaval - could you lower your standards in terms of what is 'half decent' for you?

On the other hand £350k could buy a lot of round the world tickets

Yes would have to lower standards Would prefer dcs only to have upheaval of break up, rather than break up, sell family home, move to somewhere smaller and in grottier area further away from their friends.

[splurts coffee over keyboard]

You can't seriously be asking how people can afford to split up if your assumption is that somewhere "half decent" is £500k?

I think that the answer is that people have to drop their expectation as to what "half decent means".

Sorry, but if you have £350k of equity you are unlikely to receive much sympathy over the questions as to how you would be able to afford to live.

Trust me, unless you have to house 11 kids, you will be able to find something suitable without having to lower yourself to only grotty areas.

Sorry my last remarks may have been unhelpful. If you did split, then you would be able to buy a 4 bed house outright, in a decent area and probably with good schools. It would probably be semi rather than detached. Clearly you have a lot invested in your current house, given size of mortgage etc. But actually I reckon that if you were mortgage free then £1400 a month would actually give you a reasonable lifestyle. Have a look on something like rightmove - you can search by counties so can see what £350k would get you.

In terms of affordabilty, with that amount of equity then frankly you are in an enviable postion to most women who split. Utility bills would drop as would food. The car looks high, but presumably is partly a loan so would get paid off at some point? Without a mortgage you currently have £1,750, so I suspect that by the time to take into accoutn savings on utility/food you will have a similar level of income.

Yes it is an expensive area - think trendy London borough type prices. Our £700k only got us a 3 bed house, albeit detached! The thing against moving further away, other than the dcs (there are 3 of them not 11!) being further away from friend and having a helluva trek to school, is the old secondary issue. Where we are is in the catchment of the only decent secondary in t he area. Moving to a cheaper area impacts on that, and I have 3.5 years to go before younger dcs get in on sibling rule. I know I sound like a bit of a spoilt yummy mummy but honestly £350k isn't that much round here. And no way am I uprooting dcs to another part of the country. So looks like we'll have to sit tight till eldest goes to secondary, then sell the house and look sligttly further afield. If I can bear it for 3 more years...
Thank God Xenia hasn't posted...

Hi, what you should be looking to do is a Mesher order within divorce proceedings. That means that you have the house transferred over toyou (if youcan afford the mortgage, with spousal and child mtce), then when the youngest child is 18 the house is sold and you and ex split the money.

I'm not surprised at the house price or mortgage, tbh. If you don't live in London or the Home Counties it's hard to accept that £500k, certainly in village like ours, will buy a 3 bed terrace if you're lucky.

Have you thought about transferring your mortgage onto an interest only basis? That would make it more affordable.

I suggest you get a free half hour meeting with a divorce lawyer. All good divorce lawyers are registered with www.resolution.org.uk

I think that you need to lower your expectations.

Surely providing a happy home for your children is more important than living in a posh house?

I left my Ex and DS and I live in what was a council house but I own it with a mortgage. I work full time, and can claim tax credits which help towards nursery.

I do not have an affluent lifestyle like my peers but I just get on wiht it as I know that I have been true to myself and am doign what is best for DS.

I would be better off if I had stayed with my Ex as on two salaries woudl have been able to get a nicer house but he made me so unhappy that I did not consider "bearing it" purely for finanicaly reasons.

If you are really unhappy your children will pick up on that and I feel that will only lead to problems later on. Then if you split up later on the older they are the more aware they will be of their lifestyle changing.

I hope that things work out for you

750 pounds take home per month for you is peanuts!! Are you not working full time? I suggest you up your hours or look for better paid work.

LadyMuck and WiiMii, I live in central London as well and, believe me, £350k does not go very far in a postcode that has decent schools and facilities (transport links to central London, a park, shops that aren't just mobile phone stores and Cash Converters). Two-bedrdoom, ex-council flats are that sort of price around us.

Splitting up will be hard enough for OP without having to move to an area where she doesn't know anyone and find new schools for her children OR have them make a difficult commute to their old ones. Perhaps you would like to check out some property websites for central London suburbs before you imply that the OP is being spoilt or precious.

anywhere central london you are pushed to get a 2 bed ex local authority flat for less than £250,000.
dh and i went through a rough patch last year and i looked into this, i ended up comming to the conclusion i would have to move back up north, simply couldnt afford to stay here.

It's not fair to the op to say that a nice house is a higher priority for her than her kids' happiness.

She's in a 3 bed house with 3 kids. Hard to see how she could realistically downsize, or even move to a cheaper area when it costs about £40k to move.

I know that there are plenty of trendy areas in London where £350,000 doesn't get you much. Equally there are other areas of London where that would get you a 4 bed house, less trendy perhaps, but nevertheless not grotty. So the OP would be able to keep in current job for example (or possibly even find a better paid one). Keeping the kids in the current school is the most major headache I would guess, and if that is the priority then the OP will probably have to sacrifice the house location somehow. If she wishes to share location of school then I'm sure there will be ideas on here of where the best value for money areas are to buy something.

Mumblechum, I don't think that a Mecher Order would be granted in these circs given the numbers disclosed on the thread.

Perhaps you can come to some sort of an agrement on the house with OH, perhaps you can agree to pay his share of the equity whenthe kids have all left school. But it depends on how much maintenance OH is going to pay and if you could manage the mortgage and sill live. I doubt it unless you can work full time.

Me thinks you will have to down size.

I was lucky I was able to stay where I am but then my mortgage is very much on the good side of £100k, I couldn't even get a 1 or 2 bed flat for what I am paying for the house so exH agreed to wait for his share of the equity.

Why would it cost 40K to move?

I thinkit is unfair to trample all over OP because she has a high mortgage, my priority was also to keep kids in the same school and keep homelife as normal as possible.

I think the problem is not really that you have overly high expectations of nice house etc. The issue really is that you currently live to (or slightly beyond) your means, as most people do. To split up will always involve making sacrifices, will always be more expensive than staying together I'd guess.

You don't want to have upheaval for your DCs in terms of moving/leaving area and all that, but the reality is that if you do live to your means when together, for most people that's the kind of disruption they'd have to consider if they decide to split up.

That's not exactly helpful is it? Sorry! I think really you need to either make more money, sit tight until disruption less of an issue or bite the bullet and make some more sacrifices.