Child maintamve aibu

singlemumhelp · 2023-04-01T11:01:36+00:00

Some advice please. Maybe I am cutting my nose of but my ex oertner never pays on the 1st of the month like we agreed I always have to chase and yes he apologises, his girlfriend claims he doesn't earn that much but as a trainee lawyer who's worked at the firm a few years doing more than 40 hours a week I am sure he earns at least minimum wage. Currently pays £185 a month which isn't bad but this hasn't gone up in years! I stopped CMS as he believed that they didn't give w fair figure which tbf back then they said he should pay £20 a month less. Thing is cost of everything has gone up, so his maintenance should to. We have moved closer now (literally a 5 minute walk) and he doesn't see him anymore than he did before hand! Am I being unfair if I was to make a new CMS claim because I am sick of chasing him and it feels like a power thing or could it just make it worse. I wouldn't want to push it to him seeing the kid more to pay less because my son wouldn't Cope with that. Problem is iver the last few years the step mother to be is more and more opinated, and basically rules the roost and the decisions they make regarding my son. That is a while seperate post as she Infuriates the crap out of me. I just want to non judgmental advice as it's harder asking family who would evidently be on my side.

TheMatriarchy · 01/04/2023 22:10

Make a CMS claim and refuse to discuss it with him.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2023 22:13

Yes make the claim. Respond to any comments by saying “ it’s in the best interests of DC”.

thegrain · 01/04/2023 22:15

Cost of living won't increase his maintenance payments. CMS base it on his income. I would go through them they can also collect it if he doesn't pay on time but you will get less overall.

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 10:55

I would just have thought they would put maintenance rates up but also everyone's wages Inceease April with the pay rise so his maintenance should increase. Just annoys me

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Needanewadventure2021 · 02/04/2023 13:52

Cost of living won't mean his payments will go up. I've argued this with the CMS for many years as the cost of raising a child increases as they grow up in my opinion. I've always been told it makes no difference and goes by what they earn. So basically the resident parent generally will always pay alot more. It's never going to be equal and sadly in most case what each parent pays will be significantly different.

Be mindful that CMS is the minimum depending on their earnings so going through them may mean you get less and if they act as the middle person you will also incur a fee which is taken from the payment before it reaches you. Of course you can have an agreement where he pays you direct (but still have a CMS case) but there is no guarantee he will pay on time.
I have a DofE order for my son's and even with that I've experienced months of none payment and late payments despite him being consistently employed

thegrain · 02/04/2023 13:55

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 10:55

I would just have thought they would put maintenance rates up but also everyone's wages Inceease April with the pay rise so his maintenance should increase. Just annoys me

I think you can ask them to reassess but they don't usually bother unless it's a 25% change which is ridiculous

lunar1 · 02/04/2023 14:01

Go through CMS, even if it's a bit less at least it will be on time. His girlfriends opinion of how much it should be is completely irrelevant.

Callmenat · 02/04/2023 16:48

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 10:55

I would just have thought they would put maintenance rates up but also everyone's wages Inceease April with the pay rise so his maintenance should increase. Just annoys me

Everyone's wages don't increase from April. Also CMS calcs are based as a starter on income not cost of living increases.

SeasonFinale · 02/04/2023 17:17

Depending where he is working a a trainee solicitor he may not actually earn much. If he has been doing it a few years this suggests an apprenticeship or para legal rather than trainee solicitor. I would be careful that it may be he pays less by cms but it does take the GF factor out of the decision and future proof for if he does earn higher then

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 17:51

So just googled him on
His firm. He's a case progression officer apparently. No mentioned of doing my
Lawyer training. I just hate the thought of them laughing getting away with paying less. When I message he apologises and sends it straight away but I just hate asking. But he won't send it until I message the group chat with her in it as I'm
Not allowed to private message xx

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Thelifeofawife · 02/04/2023 22:03

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 17:51

So just googled him on
His firm. He's a case progression officer apparently. No mentioned of doing my
Lawyer training. I just hate the thought of them laughing getting away with paying less. When I message he apologises and sends it straight away but I just hate asking. But he won't send it until I message the group chat with her in it as I'm
Not allowed to private message xx

You’re not allowed to contact him unless in a group chat with his GF?! Stuff that, just message him directly, it’s between the two of you and up to him if he discusses it with her.

To be fair if he sends the money as soon as you message him it doesn’t sound like he’s purposely being difficult. It may be that you’re so annoyed by his GF behaviour that it’s skewing your view of the situation, so put that aside and simply text him directly (not group
chat) and say that you really need him to pay on time as you need that consistency and don’t like having to chase him all the time.
Also, if you’re struggling you could ask if he’s in a position to contribute a bit more - but prepared that he may not as everyone’s bills have gone up and sadly not everyone’s wages have done (you mention about wages going up in April but that’s only if they are on minimum wage, if they are above that already even by just a few pence they aren’t guaranteed an increase, it’s at the employers discretion).

I wouldn’t mention going through cms at this point, I’d see how he responds to the above.

You can offer for him to see your DS more now he’s local - it only affects your cms if it’s overnight stays.

WheelsUp · 02/04/2023 22:15

I would tell him to set up a standing order and say that if maintenance doesn't reach you on 1st May then you will contact CMS. Hopefully this will force him to set up regular payment. You shouldn't be forced to beg every month.

justasmalltownmum · 02/04/2023 23:09

WheelsUp · 02/04/2023 22:15

I would tell him to set up a standing order and say that if maintenance doesn't reach you on 1st May then you will contact CMS. Hopefully this will force him to set up regular payment. You shouldn't be forced to beg every month.

Yes do this

Comii9 · 02/04/2023 23:14

Go to CMS it's not about the amount. Its just less faffing around and you can also see the paying party's yearly earnings.

For the sake of £20 less. I would rather have regular money from month to month.

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 23:45

@Thelifeofawife thank you. I probably am being skewered by the fact. I suppose after 7 years it winds me up how they had an affair. After she pretended to be my friend and 'save my marriage' and now claims my child is her first born and now dictates everything. He isn't allowed to attend parents evening with me anymore he has to have a seperate one with her. We had a fair agreement before she stopped it a few years ago and made him reduce hence when originally we then did CMS until he took a pay cut and agreed to stay at the slightly higher level. She now claims she earns all the money, maybe he doesn't earn what I think but it would be nice to know. I don't necessarily need his money atm, ans they always complain that I see to have too much money because I work 3 jobs so I can take my kids abroad, and buy them what they want for Christmas and birthdays like his Xbox because they refuse to. He has branded trainers but they are always bought on the sale so are the same price usually as Asda teainers etc. but they also don't see that my family pay towards some of the days out or the extra weekends away. I am not going to publicly tell them this. Unfortunately my ex's sister now gets HRC DLA like I do for my other son so she knows how much extra UC it means and I'm sure she's told him this. Once when I messaged he was late paying the gf response was 'you don't actually need it anyways we are funding your lifestyle' ... I have offered to see him more but it's always been declined. Thought now living a 5 minute walk instead of 20 minute car journey they would but nope. I think I'll give him a couple months and see what he does and then yes will look at making it offfixal to not deal with them. So hard as last year I probably could have approached them we use to get on, i would get them gifts and vice versus but she for her bee in a bonnet because I blocked her on Fb as I was sick of seeing the posts of her calling my child hers etc. it was all about control. X

OP posts:

Thelifeofawife · 04/04/2023 00:10

singlemumhelp · 02/04/2023 23:45

@Thelifeofawife thank you. I probably am being skewered by the fact. I suppose after 7 years it winds me up how they had an affair. After she pretended to be my friend and 'save my marriage' and now claims my child is her first born and now dictates everything. He isn't allowed to attend parents evening with me anymore he has to have a seperate one with her. We had a fair agreement before she stopped it a few years ago and made him reduce hence when originally we then did CMS until he took a pay cut and agreed to stay at the slightly higher level. She now claims she earns all the money, maybe he doesn't earn what I think but it would be nice to know. I don't necessarily need his money atm, ans they always complain that I see to have too much money because I work 3 jobs so I can take my kids abroad, and buy them what they want for Christmas and birthdays like his Xbox because they refuse to. He has branded trainers but they are always bought on the sale so are the same price usually as Asda teainers etc. but they also don't see that my family pay towards some of the days out or the extra weekends away. I am not going to publicly tell them this. Unfortunately my ex's sister now gets HRC DLA like I do for my other son so she knows how much extra UC it means and I'm sure she's told him this. Once when I messaged he was late paying the gf response was 'you don't actually need it anyways we are funding your lifestyle' ... I have offered to see him more but it's always been declined. Thought now living a 5 minute walk instead of 20 minute car journey they would but nope. I think I'll give him a couple months and see what he does and then yes will look at making it offfixal to not deal with them. So hard as last year I probably could have approached them we use to get on, i would get them gifts and vice versus but she for her bee in a bonnet because I blocked her on Fb as I was sick of seeing the posts of her calling my child hers etc. it was all about control. X

Oh gosh OP, it sounds like a nightmare!

Its a real shame as it sounds like she is dictating how much he sees his child despite living so close by.
Honestly just because he bows down to her doesn’t mean you have to. If I were you I’d be messaging him directly, or emailing him.

It doesn’t matter whether she feels that you don’t need the money, it’s for his child and given that he doesn’t want to see any more of him then that’s what he has to pay. I’d think it’s more likely that your 3 jobs are funding your lifestyle.

Contact him asking to set up a direct debit so you don’t need to keep chasing him. If he refuses or she starts being awkward again, just say you’re only dealing with him and if it carries on you’ll have no choice but to go through cms. That way he knows where he stands and if he doesn’t do what is needed then just go ahead and go through cms.

It sounds like she has real trust issues due to their affair, and is scared of the two of you having any contact that she isn’t involved in. Her life must be miserable. Karma is a wonderful thing

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 04/04/2023 09:16

@Thelifeofawife thank you.
Irs just really sad irs become like this. We were all getting on ok at one point, but because I blocked her on my social media as I was sick of seeing her call my child his etc I thought for our relationship or would be better as they would also comment at times things on my Facebook but instead she decided to now be a nightmare. The way she words the messages are just so condescending, maybe once they decide to eventually have w baby that she will realise the hard work the resident parent goes through. I have been messaging him direct and if she messages the group chat I just ignore her anyways. The other week was we have moved to a new house, cost me 6 months upfront rent but my kids now have seperate rooms. She complained that 1) irs nice he has another nice room in his life eventually... 2) that his room looks rather empty .. 3) his tv and desk isn't big enough. I was like seriously. His room at theirs is overcrowded and he hates it I have allowed him to choose how he wants his room. I need to just start being more blunt and stop worrying about him trying to take more access etc. I wouldn't mind if it was for the right reasons x

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