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Original poster

Family Will

22 replies

Laubok79 · 26/03/2023 13:49

Hi,

I've been married to my husband 13 years together for 14. This is a second marriage for both me and hubby. We both have children from our first marriages, hubby a son who is now 26 and a daughter who is nearly 21. My oldest two children are my daughter nearly 18 and son who is 15. Hubby and I have two children together a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 6. My husbands parents have recently announced that they have written their wills and they are splitting the estate 50/50 between my husband and his sister. They then announced that they are splitting my husbands share (50%) 5 ways so 10% to him and his 4 children. His mum was worried that if she left 50% to my husband then my two oldest children might benefit over her biological grandchildren. I feel really upset about this decision as it feels like it's directed and me and my oldest children directly and we have never asked for anything. I put money into the marital home from (proceeds from the house sale from my first marriage) and my ex husband has never paid me maintenance for his kids and I have always worked. It's causing real friction between me and hubby. Not that we expect an inheritance, I do understand it's their money but I can't seem to get over the sting of feeling like this deliberate act to dilute my husbands share is aimed directly at me. We have started again and have quite a big mortgage and I feel that she should have acknowledged that offering financial support to all the kids would be our responsibility. The 10% that each would get would be approx 40k and whilst I'm happy for my two youngest as this is a nice deposit for a house etc - it also leaves me feeling inadequate as I cannot offer this to my 18 and 15 year old and it makes me feel like I've failed them.

please be kind in responses - I'm not mercenary I don't really care about the money just the upset it causing, and not being able to treat my children the same.

OP posts:

SapatSea · 26/03/2023 14:06

Your DC from your previous relationship have grown up from toddlers with your DH so basically he has been their father all their lives, so I can understand that it feels hurtful than your MIL is not treating them in her will like part of the family. Might your older DC inherit anything from their biological father or his family?

It can be messy and lead to resentment but perhaps your DH might consider giving his 10% to your eldest DC to assuage the "slight" ( still 5% less than the others) or you could consider being "tenants in common" in your house so that you can leave your share of the house to your DC in some unequal shares to "even things up"(rather than "joint tenants" where on death the house would automatically be inherited by your DH).

If your PIL's need care later on there may not be much of an estate to leave, or you may not feel like taking on any caring responsibilities for them given their attitude. At least they have told you and it won't come as a shock on their death.

ArcticSkewer · 26/03/2023 14:09

Their decision makes good sense. Your children can inherit from your own parents and will be on as good a financial footing as their own parents and grandparents are.That might not be as well off as your husband's family, but there we go.

cptartapp · 26/03/2023 14:27

I would do the same. I wouldn't want children that were not related to me to inherit either. The relationships are not the same.
Your ex husbands failings have nothing to do with them.

FinallyHere · 26/03/2023 14:35

*It's causing real friction between me and hubby.

not being able to treat my children the same.*

I absolutely get how it seems wrong to you but this is no reflection on you. It's also nothing really to do with your DH. Why fall out with him over something he can't control.

I also see how it's difficult for grandparents of step children to feel the same about children with whom they are just not bonded in the way you would expect for grand children.

Focus just on what you can control. You can treat your children with equity, that's what will be important to them. Good luck.

Foreversearch · 26/03/2023 14:43

cptartapp · 26/03/2023 14:27

I would do the same. I wouldn't want children that were not related to me to inherit either. The relationships are not the same.
Your ex husbands failings have nothing to do with them.

This is what happens in blended families.

Will your 2 step children be beneficiaries of your parents wills I.e. is it split between your 4 children or all 6?

If your oldest DC receive an inheritance from their Dad will you expect them to share it with their half and step siblings?

The reality with blended families is that some children will inherit more than others. I know you feel it is unfair but it is their money and they can decide who they want to leave it to.

My view has been treat step siblings and siblings the same for birthdays etc as that is earned income but inheritance is different.

pettysquabbles · 26/03/2023 14:49

Nothing is directed at you or your children frmm your first marriage. This is a totally normal way to write wills when families have blended. It's not your DH's parents responsisbility to pass money on to you or your kids. Why did you let your first husband get away with not paying maintenance? Are your parents still around and will they do something similar if they are?

HermioneWeasley · 26/03/2023 14:53

its completely normal and not a slight. It’s not their fault your first husband was a deadbeat dad.

titchy · 26/03/2023 15:00

Your parents are of course leaving everything to the six children yes? And that's why you're pissed - because they should all be treated the same?

And your older children's father's parents are also leaving everything divided amongst all six kids? And your dh's older children's mothers parents are doing the same?

Seriously - don't be a dick. His parents can do what the fuck they want with their money. You have no right to expect one penny of it. Your older children less than no right.

Bootlass · 26/03/2023 15:00

In theory, would you expect your parents or your ex's parent to leave an equal share to your now husband's children?

I dislike posts about inheritance, people are just so entitled and controlling over how people should share their hard earned money they've spent a lifetime accumulating. It's no-one's responsibility to provide for you or your children upon their death.

Hopefully, your in-laws will live for many years to come, by which time hopefully all your children will be hard working, successful adults themselves who won't have to rely on handouts to buy their own homes, like the rest of us.

And think on, your in-laws could need every penny they have to pay for care in their old age, so will have nothing to leave to their own children, never mind yours. Why go through the rest of their lives feeling bitter and resentful about a few grand that actually may no longer exist by the time they sadly pass away.

MintJulia · 26/03/2023 15:02

This seems completely normal to me.

It is natural for Grandparents to want to leave something to their grandchildren. Better from an inheritance tax point of view as well.

It's their money, not your dh's. It's beyond his control so why would you blame him? There's no reason for friction.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/03/2023 15:03

I think you need to try and separate emotion from it.

You wouldn’t expect your ex’s parents to include your other children, or your parents to automatically include your husbands children so it’s the same principle.

As long as you two agree what you’re going to do in your home that’s all that you can do.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/03/2023 15:04

Also they’re probably concerned about what could happen if everything was left to your DH and then he predeceased you. Your step-children would have no automatic entitlement to anything at all.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 26/03/2023 15:06

But what if their(your dc's) df was loaded then your dc would be better off than dsc... ? Sorry but wills are about leaving to loved ones.. Your feelings are about £££

Pemba · 26/03/2023 17:05

I feel this was unkind of your MIL and a bit pointed. I bet they haven't done the same with your SIL's half if she has kids? Your PILs should trust your DH to make fair arrangements for his kids and step kids after they have gone, and make his own decisions.

Was your DH relying on receiving half the inheritance, maybe to pay off the big mortgage? If so, it's him that is losing out as well as your kids.

All this skipping out a generation malarkey only works if the missed out generation is very financially secure in their own right. And the older generation who are making the will should only contemplate it if the same was done to them by their own parents.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 26/03/2023 17:12

My parents did this with their wills. They were very clear that they wanted their money to go to their (biological) family members. Seemed fair enough to me. The step-children have grandparents of their own who may or may not leave money to them.

Your children from your previous relationship are not related to your husband's parents.
Just as his children are not related to your parents, should they be writing their wills.

This is normal, OP, not some cruel slight.

Pemba · 26/03/2023 17:25

On thinking about it again, yes I can see that the PILs are thinking that your own elder children are not their descendants and may possibly get something from your ex's family, just as your step children may inherit from their mother's family. I see the reasoning, but the practical effects are that 4 of your joint 6 kids will probably get a sizable sum whilst they're young and 2 of them won't. Not sure how you deal with that really.

Plus the difficult for your DH if he was relying on a bigger inheritance in his own right and not expecting it to be divided up. If I were the MIL I would have left it between my son and daughter and trusted them to decide what happened after that.

This is all assuming there is anything left after care fees etc of course!

ArcticSkewer · 26/03/2023 17:33

What does your husband's will say, btw?

If it all goes to you, even more reason for them to make sure their elder two grandchildren are not completely disinherited

MelchiorsMistress · 26/03/2023 17:34

This can only cause friction and upset between you and your husband if you choose to create friction and upset.

Your husband has no control or influence over his parents will and nor should he try to have any, so what is there for there to be friction about unless you’re trying to get him to talk to his parents about it when he has no right to?

This is the sort of thing that is obviously going to happen when people blend families. Accepting it graciously is part of the choice you made.

The grandparents here are doing nothing wrong and you have no reason to take it personally. I will do exactly the same as they have done in future if my adult dc end up with partners who already have children, because those children will have their own parents and grandparents.

Confusedandthensome · 26/03/2023 18:34

I would think that they are more worried that their two eldest grandchildren may never inherit rather than specifically wanting to exclude you/your eldest children. It happens a lot when people have second families (ie Dad dies first and 2nd family inherit everything).

Swannning · 26/03/2023 18:39

Blended families are complicated. I can see your ILs point of view.

If all children inherit from all their grandparents but your ILs split their estate between all 6 children then, then unless your parents split their estate 6 ways then your eldest two children are effectively disadvantaging your youngest two and their step-siblings as they will inherit more

Chewbecca · 27/03/2023 12:48

I’m with your PIL on this one.

Your DC have their own GP they may inherit from and I wouldn’t expect that to go to your SC either.

Don’t let it cause issues between you and your DH.

Okisenough · 27/03/2023 13:20

I don't think this is nice but I am also not surprised. I think you need to ask yourself how your own parents will handle their will, would they give anything to your SC? Also what kind of relationship do your oldest children have with their dad and paternal grandparents, your DH's parents might just assume they will already be taken care of by these Grandparents.

I know it's not what you would like but I think you have to accept this, you don't really have a say and to be honest your DH probably doesn't have much sway in the matter either. I would step away from this situation. If you push too much it may result in the situation blowing up with the kids all feeling resentful to each other over this money you don't really care about anyway.

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