Please help....b@$&^%d husband making my life a misery and I'm worried sick

[electra]

I can't even be bothered to name change for this. The situation is as follows.

Dh and I, married for 5.5 years. We have two dcs (6 and 4). Last year it all went wrong, he had psychologically abused me (something he disputes if you ask him) and I got vv ill mentally and had to move out into my mum's for a while. My husband was also off work with stress.

Now I still live at my mum's but I am a little better than I was mentally and I am in the family home every day to look after our dcs and while I do this my husband goes to work as before.

We are separated and I have not yet started divorce proceedings but he is trying to cut me off, financially. At the moment he controls 90% of our income and I don't have enough money to buy things for myself and the children and pay my credit card bills (which have stuff on of his as well as mine and which were used before we split up).

In the past my parents have given us thousnads of pounds which have benefitted him as well as me and our children. I was left some money a few years ago which I shared with him. His family have never given us anything.

While I realise that the above points don't have any weight in law, I cannot understand why he is treating me like cr@p. I'm still the mother of his children, I still look after them and they are witnessing some of the awful arguments we are having over this I think he is angry with me for not loving him any more and he's trying to punish me. But he drove me away with his behaviour in the first place and I ended up ill.

If I tell him all these things he just laughs in my face and says he needs to "preserve resources", however he is out for dinner whenever the whim takes him, he's in the pub now watching the rugby, he buys whatever he likes and if I go out I literally spend about £3. I am not into the high life.

This doesn't seem fair to me because if I wasn't looking after the children I could get a full time job and then I wouldn't have to worry about the credit cards.

To top it all, I am supposedly bipolar, still experiencing days of racing thoughts, agitation, hyperactivity and completely hopeless lows where I cry all day and have no idea how I will get out of this situation. I dread to think what the effect of this will be on my children.

I don't feel strong enough to go through the divorce now because my daughter's annual review is in a couple of weeks time and we may have to go to tribunal again this year an I don't have the strength for 2 battles...and he knows this....

Yes I have, but my mind is jumbled and I can't remember what she said...I'm sorry.

I get the impression he thinks that because it was me who wanted out (well I actually feel I was pushed out) that I don't have any rights, or that I have fewer rights than he has.

He still pays the bills but I buy food, and clothes for the children.

I think that if I divorce him he will try to claim that I was unfaithful which is what killed the marriage whereas in reality, the unreasonable behaviour drove me out and I stopped loving him because of it. I still don't know why he started behaving that way. At the time I loved him and didn't look at other men. Will it come down to my word against his?

bump

I wanted to avoid this descending into a me vs him thing and us ending up hating each other. I have tried talking to him about it but he will seem happy for us to do that one second and fly into a rage minutes later.

Obviously I am angry...perhaps was wrong to write such a thread title but I am so miserable and I can't get through to him.

I don't think I have heard of a divorce being granted with adultary as the reason for many years. The courts now decide that unreasonable behaviour is good enough. The un-reasonable could be what drove you to adultary in the first place. If he claims that you were unfaithfull the court will grant the divorce anyway so he is just cutting off his nose to spite his face. Nobody is going to care enough to read what reasons are put on a divorce petition so don't worry about your reputation.
Get advice about your finances, have you thought about claiming benefits as you are living at another address?
Write a list of what you would like to happen, then cross out the 'not going to happen' ones, like 'be happy ever after'. Then put the possibilities or options for each. Like house for self and DC's? Stay at home, rent, sell house etc? Pick each topic and find answers one topic at a time. Don't get overawed with your situation, ask for help from friends, family, CAB and on here.
But please come on here when you need to rant or talk, it helps.

Firstly stop trying to understand him, it will not help. When my exhusband treated me appallingly when I was so nice to him it really hurt but I now realise that it was just his way of cutting off from me.

Secondly, you need to secure your finances - if you have a joint account or joint credit cards USE them for the things you need, settling them will come out of the divorce. I'm not suggesting you buy diamonds but I am saying stop wearing a hairshirt and buy the things you need.

Thirdly, yes he treated you terribly and you were unfaithful - stop beating yourself up over this - you still sound really guilty and blaming yourself for this.

The divorce - financial matters are not linked in any way to the grounds for divorce, infidelity, unreasonable behaviour etc. You need a divorce to get a clean break and get financial matters resolved. If I were you and if it were possible to distance yourself emotionally (very hard when it comes to sorting out practical matters) I would get a divorce on irretrievable breakdown. It cost me £800 to divorce my ex on grounds of adultery - I did that cos I was an idiot and consumed with the 'truth' being acknowledged.

Separate, at least in your head the practical from the emotional - you are suffering with your bi-polar and for that you need emotional support. You are not going to be able to make him see anything - please stop trying, it's only hurting you.

I wish you lots of luck

Thanks so much - that is helpful. I appreciate your kind words.