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Original poster

Joint bank account

55 replies

Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 21:29

Hi, me & my fiancé get married this year. We have been together for 10 years, have 4 children between us. We have never had joint accounts, but I’ve suggested we set one up as I’m terrible with finances/ planning. We both have a decent income, which is pretty similar. We currently half all bills as fair as we can. I’d like the account for all of our bills, food, holidays, childcare etc so that we can tf a set amount each month and the rest is our personal spending/ saving money. This way I will know what I have left over to spend/ save and I feel it will be fair in that we are dividing everything equally. Currently I find hard to keep track of what we have each paid. All the bills come out of my account and he pays me a set amount each month. This is stressful for me as working 6 days a week with 4 kids you can imagine things can slip my mind! I also have dyslexia and suffer with anxiety and depression so find the finances a lot to deal with.

When I’ve broached this subject, my fiancé says he’s happy to set up a joint account, but that any of my “personal financial” outgoings should be kept to my personal account. I understand he does not feel responsible for my debts, but I feel the “family car” should be paid for jointly. I have another 1.5 years to pay on the finance agreement (out of 5) and we have been together 10 years in which I have always paid for the family cars. He has work vehicles which me or the kids never use. If we go anywhere we use the “family car” he also uses it for short journeys on his own! I take the kids to school etc in it too. I also feel my petrol, tax, insurance etc should come out of the joint account but he argues that he wouldn’t put his work vehicles through. My argument is the “family” doesn’t use his work vans, we all use the car, even for food shopping etc!

Then we get to my credit cards/ loan/ store card. This is debt I have accumulated in the 10 years we have been together and as I’m self employed, I had to live on credit for my last maternity leave (where I still paid my half of the bills). I don’t spend excessively or live lavishly, any credit I’ve used has been for the family or household, so to me I think he should be ok paying half, especially since we are getting married and he’s happy to spend on my credit accounts!

I feel I’ve been a bit of a push over in the past and tried to keep things “fair” but to the detriment of my own financial and mental health.

Interested to hear others thoughts and what they do for their household finances thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:29

Zone2NorthLondon · 22/02/2023 22:26

I’m afraid he sounds like a right git, shouty and stingy
don’t marry him

You may be right! Obviously this is one sided and I’m not telling you all the good things but yes, the fact is I obviously know something is not right or I wouldn’t have written this post in the first place!

ps wedding has been booked and (mostly) paid for since 2019 before the lockdowns!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:32

JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:01

If the children use the car (which they do) then of course he should contribute to it!!

Exactly! He even takes it and uses it on his own and uses my diesel so I’m always topping up - super annoying as he doesn’t even tell me I need to go to the petrol station before the school run and getting myself to work - all before 8am May I add while he saunters off to work before me or the kids even wake up

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:32

I bet you're not as terrible with finances/planning as he keeps telling you you are, either.

JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:33

Tell us about how disagreements go, OP.

How many joint children do you have?

TheChosenTwo · 22/02/2023 22:34

Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:29

You may be right! Obviously this is one sided and I’m not telling you all the good things but yes, the fact is I obviously know something is not right or I wouldn’t have written this post in the first place!

ps wedding has been booked and (mostly) paid for since 2019 before the lockdowns!

Show quote history

Don’t throw good money after bad, I don’t often say this but I would really think again re going through with the wedding. To be honest if you were my friend I’d be telling you to not consider marrying him.
He sounds bloody horrible. And no, you’re not telling us the good bits but then you didn’t tell us about them because the bad bits clearly outweigh them.
None of us are perfect of course but his shortcomings are pretty big in my book.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:35

JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:32

I bet you're not as terrible with finances/planning as he keeps telling you you are, either.

Probably not! He just says this when I try and say I’m struggling he shouts at me that “surely you earn enough money to pay your half of the bills”

OP posts:
JennyDarlingRIP · 22/02/2023 22:38

@Mama1209 as I suspected. He doesn't pay for those vehicles, the business does. The family car should be a split cost.
DH and I used to have separate cars (only need one now due to change of jobs and both working very locally). We reach paid for our own car because they cost the same in petrol, tax and insurance, were owned outright before we were married, so it didn't make any difference if we paid for one each or paid for both jointly and put more money in the joint account to cover them.
That's not the case here though, you are personally paying for a vehicle and he is not.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:42

JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:23

Wow! Yes I can see the similarities but he does pay half of the childcare and buys stuff for the kids etc

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 22/02/2023 22:44

He sounds selfish. Don't let him use the car if he won't contribute. It is no longer a family car it is your personal one so no more borrowing it by him. Are you able to use his work vehicle? I would let him use that if you go out as a family and he can pay for fuel. If he moans point out this is what you have had to put up with.

Unfortunately men like this rarely change and if you have already pointed out that the debt was caused by maternity leave for your joint children and he still won't offer to help then I would consider tour future with this man. He sounds mean, uncaring and obviously is not any support for you.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:46

JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:33

Tell us about how disagreements go, OP.

How many joint children do you have?

Just one joint child, I have 2 from previous relationship (ex partner sadly passed away) and he has 1 from previous relationship

Disagreements usually start with me trying to calmly explain my point, him shouting over me and me either giving up for an easy life (or because I don’t want children hearing) or if he pushes me to my limit I will shout back and then be really upset about the argument after - which makes me not want to broach the subject again = he wins

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/02/2023 22:46

You need to seriously reconsider marrying this man

Sorry OP but his attitude sucks.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 22:48

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/02/2023 22:46

You need to seriously reconsider marrying this man

Sorry OP but his attitude sucks.

Yes it’s challenging!

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:49

It's much more than challenging @Mama1209, it's harmful to you and to the children.

category12 · 22/02/2023 23:01

Sounds like you ought to be in the relationships topic talking about your financially abusive, bullying partner.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 23:09

category12 · 22/02/2023 23:01

Sounds like you ought to be in the relationships topic talking about your financially abusive, bullying partner.

I wasn’t expecting this! Won’t be sleeping tonight :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/02/2023 23:10

JanglyBeads · 22/02/2023 22:49

It's much more than challenging @Mama1209, it's harmful to you and to the children.

Yes I agree! Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 22/02/2023 23:28

Please don't marry him - I had 14 years of financial abuse from a man who had such a good public image but was vile behind closed doors. Walk away while you can and be you, and be happy.
This is about so much more than the family car and you know it x

Graphista · 22/02/2023 23:49

A joint account, especially when there is control and financial abuse is a terrible idea!

Frankly you'd be better off leaving him. In many ways.

He benefits from the car personally and indirectly in terms of its use for your (joint!) children.

He treated you appallingly during mat leave.

My ex pretty much the first thing he did when we split was empty the joint accounts! And he wasn't like this guy when we were together! We pooled all money had the same available to each for personal spends and all the bills got paid and we even had some savings. Sometimes he earned more sometimes I did and several times there were periods I wasn't earning as he was in forces so when we first moved to a posting it would take a few weeks maybe a couple months till I got a job. Also may leave which he wouldn't have dreamed of leaving me short then! I was carrying OUR child and I was the one emotionally and physically doing the heavy lifting!

He sounds penny pinching, cf and not loving, kind or respectful.

I bet you're not as terrible with finances/planning as he keeps telling you you are, either.

Yes it's rare there's only one type of abuse, he's clearly emotionally abusive too. Shouting at you about bills is not on.

Wow! Yes I can see the similarities but he does pay half of the childcare and buys stuff for the kids etc

While running up debt in your name and using your car & it's fuel without repaying you.

@Icanflyhigh street angel house devil - exactly what my dad was like

Somanycats · 23/02/2023 00:03

Don't marry him unless he cheerfully agrees to completely shared finances. No one normal wants their partner to have less disposable income than themselves.

mycatsanutter · 23/02/2023 07:23

2 things stood out to me here , him expecting you to pay towards his vehicles , just why !! And secondly you having to use credit whilst on maternity ! Both of those are so so wrong ! Oh and him not paying towards the car .

BeBraveAndBeKind · 23/02/2023 07:45

We have a joint account for bills and another for food/petrol. A credit card that is in my name but used for joint spending comes out of the joint account.

However, I earn five times more than DH and we pay in proportionally to that. As much as I'd love him to earn more, his job is a very poorly paid but worthwhile public sector role, I wouldn't dream of expecting him to pay 50%. The extra money I have goes on things for the family too so we end up with the same amount of disposable income.

That you felt you had to run up credit card debt rather than asking for his support tells you that you don't trust him to support you. That he shouts you down and belittles you, tells you that you're right not to to.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/02/2023 08:28

Obviously you have bigger problems than the car, but the way I see it in committed relationships is that the joint pot should pay the buying and running costs for however many cars that the family needs and can afford.

So obviously joint money shouldn't be used to buy a sports car or massive 4x4 if this isn't affordable but if each partner needs a vehicle for work and/or ferrying DC around then this should be bought and fueled/maintained/taxed/insured etc out of joint money. Plus if one party has a car paid for by work and the other doesn't, that definitely means that the other's vehicle is a joint cost, to put both partners in an equal position.

Likewise all DC costs, clothes, days out etc. Pay for out of the joint pot. Even things like mobile bills (easiest if you pay for SIM only and then replace phones out of personal money if one person always wants a new high end phone and the other is happy with a more basic one that is kept until it breaks).

Then joint money is arranged so both parties have the same amount of personal money after all joint costs are covered. This can be done either way - have wages paid into individual accounts and both send money to a joint account, or have wages paid into a joint account and send personal money to individual accounts.

I would also ask about how his business finances are arranged. Does he really need 4 vehicles and does putting the cost of them through his business increase the costs and hence reduce the amount he earns while allowing him to enjoy more vehicles than he actually needs, but then still ends up using yours (and all your fuel which you pay for Hmm)?

Bournetilly · 23/02/2023 08:28

I think you should reconsider marrying him. He sounds very selfish.
He should be contributing towards the family car and fuel since he uses it too.
He should have supported you better on mat leave, you shouldn’t of needed to use credit when he had spare money.

Newestname002 · 23/02/2023 11:17

@Mama1209

The fact that your wedding is already planned and mainly paid for is no reason to go ahead and legally tie yourself by contracting yourself to him in marriage. He sounds far from someone to get more enmeshed in by marriage - the contemptuous way he treats you, especially financially, shows what your future will be. 🌹

Codlingmoths · 23/02/2023 11:31

take the car keys and hide them. He’s an asshole and if I were you he might never get in my car again. If he takes the kids anywhere he will just have to use one of his 4 cars, if he wants to go somewhere he will just have to use one of his 4 cars. Not use your petrol and then tell you you’re bad with money. Also take his access to your credit cards. You should have made him pay rather than go into debt but I appreciate it felt hard at the time. Anyway not one single more purchase for him or for the family that he should pay for. When he shouts have you paid a bill you say are you completely useless? Why can’t you pay a bill?