H can't stop spending.

[Goingforplatinum]

He's got us into debt twice. The second time was around 7000, we came up with a plan to sort. I've got life savings and sold my car in order to put down a deposit on a house, currently in the process and would be my only chance to buy. Turns out today he's still spending. I'm so upset. He says it's because he's depressed (which he is) but won't speak to the GP. I don't want to leave him as a relationship is about support, but how do I stop him spending, will I ever stop him spending. I don't know what to do. If I did leave how do I manage on my own with a young child, I need a car for work. I need a car to get a car. I have no family support so would completely have to do it alone. I can't face me being at home and watching him pack his things and leaving, but I have nowhere to go. Sorry I'm rambling but my head is just all over the point at the moment.

A relationship is about support, yes, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. That “I’m depressed” line is a classic in these situations.

Why won’t he see his GP?

He has done in the past, and was started on anti depressants. They helped to some extent but he has gone back into a dark hole again. He keeps saying he will call the GP tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

As horrible as it sounds you can't fix him. He won't stop spending and isn't motivated to get help.

I think you need to stop the house purchase and decide if you still want him in your life.

What's he spending on? For example s it household groceries, expensive hobbies or gambling etc? The bottom line is still the same of course but the reason for his spending (eg an addiction versus carelessness) can probably help you decide what to do.

I have dealt with a number of people at work with depression. The ones that get through it and come out the other side and avoid self destructive behaviour are the ones who get help. I have every respect for them.

The ones that don't just spiral down and ultimately lose their jobs and usuallt their spouses too. I also manage people whose spouse or partner has depression. The toll it takes on them is enormous. I get years of hearing why it is impacting them and their work.

Few people really rehabilitate their spending habits. If you knew now that he would never sort this out, would you stay? In the real world you will just get through this latest issue and then it happens again, and again. At what point do you get out?

Knowing the answer to that and being clear with him is a good idea.

If you do carry on now, make sure he knows a condition your financial help is that he helps himself both for his depression and his spending habits and he gives you control of the finances until he is fully better. Don't give him a further chance or chances. He also must pay you back and stop all unnecessary expense until he does. I wouldn't be too nice and supportive about this however much that is your instinct. He needs to get help and make reparation to you and needs to be clear that is needed. The thought of losing you may actually help him to get help. If you can't be that clear with him, you need to get out as the communication issues will mean you never sort this.

That's really good advice GOOD.

So he has called his GP and they have started anti depressants and referred him for CBT therapy. He has handed over all his cards to be and deleted all cards from his phone, he's given me online access to all bank accounts and any credit reports. He has called all the credit card companies to just confirm all interest rates and to ensure no missed payments. He's wants to do over time at work, however with his mood I don't want him to burn out and this effect his job. I've recommended some weekend work different to his job such as amazon flex.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out.

My experience is that some people seem to be unable to control their finances. For example my friends ex-husband was an excessive spender. He would waste money on the latest technology or his cycling hobby when they were already in debt. When she confronted him he would be very apologetic and promise to change and he would for a few months and then go back to his old ways. He said it was because he was depressed/stressed or because he was autistic but did not want to go to the GP because of the stigma of having this on his medical record. They have been divorced five years and still his money issues haunt her (they had two children together). I had a colleague at work who was in a similar situation and that didn’t work out well either. My nephew is also like this and his parents are paying for counselling.

Just to add the pressure, my dad who is also very bad with money has just called me to be a guarantor for a loan (won't ask my sister even though she's loaded). Now I'm worried about his financial situation as well as my own

What have you said to your DF?

Its NO

I told him I couldn't as it wasn't wise with the house buying process. I don't trust DF to not pay back and I'm not in the position to pay it if he doesn't. It's just the stress of it all.

Very stressful as you say, particularly if you don't know why your DF is borrowing money.