How do you arrange financial agreement with new partner?

notmumlisa · 2022-12-30T22:33:41+00:00

Hi, I am coming from a background where men pays for everything even women work and women contributes if she wants to. In London, I am struggling to understand what do when it comes to payment when I date with a guy. Starting from the first date, how do you arrange payment in relationship and who pay how? Do you pay on the first date? Some girls say if you pay on the first date, the guy would never pay as you lower yourself. Some girls say partner count every penny and it is always 50-50 and some says they never touch their card to pay. How do you arrange the financial agreement with your partner and how even start talking about it?

AHelpfulHand · 30/12/2022 22:38

Well you start off always paying your share. So if the meal is say £50, then you immediately upon the bill offer to pay half or pay for what you’ve had.

Never expect anyone to pay for you.

QueSyrahSyrah · 30/12/2022 22:45

If we're talking about dating, for a first date or two I used to be ready and willing to pay my share, and would never expect the man to pay for me. If I didn't see us seeing each other again I'd insist on paying my way so I didn't feel indebted to him, but if I was keen to see him again and he wanted to pay then I'd sometimes
accept, but would insist on treating him in return at a later date.

There have been times I've dated Men whose earnings have enormously outstripped mine, and have adjusted as necessary (I might allow them to buy dinner, but would always treat in return for lunch or the cinema or something lower cost).

Original poster

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 00:18

QueSyrahSyrah · 30/12/2022 22:45

If we're talking about dating, for a first date or two I used to be ready and willing to pay my share, and would never expect the man to pay for me. If I didn't see us seeing each other again I'd insist on paying my way so I didn't feel indebted to him, but if I was keen to see him again and he wanted to pay then I'd sometimes
accept, but would insist on treating him in return at a later date.

There have been times I've dated Men whose earnings have enormously outstripped mine, and have adjusted as necessary (I might allow them to buy dinner, but would always treat in return for lunch or the cinema or something lower cost).

This is what I would normally too but it then ends up with me paying more and also, it is quite annoying to calculate who paid when and how much.. This is where all things get ugly..

OP posts:

shivawn · 31/12/2022 10:19

I would never expect anyone to pay for me, if the guy insisted then that's very kind and generous but I'm more than happy to always pay my way.

Original poster

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 11:55

shivawn · 31/12/2022 10:19

I would never expect anyone to pay for me, if the guy insisted then that's very kind and generous but I'm more than happy to always pay my way.

What's the nice way of doing this. After a nice dinner, you two would take cards out and pay it half half? Then would you spend time on counting who had an expensive food or drink and who pay less or more?

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caravanbuckie · 31/12/2022 12:00

I wouldn't consider a person I was dating a partner I needed to make a financial agreement with. I thought you were going to post about moving in with a long term relationship or similar.

Just pay for your own shit.

shivawn · 31/12/2022 12:09

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 11:55

What's the nice way of doing this. After a nice dinner, you two would take cards out and pay it half half? Then would you spend time on counting who had an expensive food or drink and who pay less or more?

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I'd just go half's unless it was dramatically different amounts, I always find it awkward totting up everything to the penny. Depends what way the guy wants to do it too though.

Original poster

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 12:36

caravanbuckie · 31/12/2022 12:00

I wouldn't consider a person I was dating a partner I needed to make a financial agreement with. I thought you were going to post about moving in with a long term relationship or similar.

Just pay for your own shit.

How it starts how it goes.. How do you pay your own shit while you claim that you care about the other person?

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ItWasntMyFault · 31/12/2022 12:38

Partner and I live separately despite being together for 9 years due to both of us having children.
DP always pays in the restaurant etc and then I transfer half to him later.
It works for us.

caravanbuckie · 31/12/2022 12:40

How it starts how it goes.. How do you pay your own shit while you claim that you care about the other person?

I wouldn't be claiming to care about someone I had just started dating either!

Original poster

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 12:41

shivawn · 31/12/2022 12:09

I'd just go half's unless it was dramatically different amounts, I always find it awkward totting up everything to the penny. Depends what way the guy wants to do it too though.

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Got it! Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 12:42

ItWasntMyFault · 31/12/2022 12:38

Partner and I live separately despite being together for 9 years due to both of us having children.
DP always pays in the restaurant etc and then I transfer half to him later.
It works for us.

This is a good idea, i like this. Thank you

OP posts:

titchy · 31/12/2022 12:44

Eh? Don't over complicate it. First couple of dates assume 50/50 (and that doesn't mean counting the exact value of what you ate, it literally means 50/50). If he offers to pay the lot and you think you'll see him again, say thank you graciously and say you'll pay next time. If you don't think you'll see him again be firm about paying half.

amiold · 31/12/2022 12:46

I'd always offer to pay when the bill arrives. If he says no I'll get it just say you don't mind. If he allows you to pay for him then don't see him again. I've never been in a position to half it. If that happened I'd just pay it and put I down to experience that I wouldn't see him again but I'd just pay to avoid awkwardness.

After this take it in turns.

Always done it like this and when it was my turn I would insist with the exclusions of birthdays etc. you would see quite soon if he's taking the piss (ie ordering more than you and lots of drinks on your turn etc)

C1N1C · 31/12/2022 12:50

Yep, as above.

Offer to pay half, and in most places, with most guys, the split isn't going to be wildly different...

Most men will offer to pay in the moment but WILL be looking for the affectionately known 'purse grab'. I.e. they'll often have full intention of paying, but will check to see if you're 'one of those' that expect it... so they'll wait until you reach for the purse as an indicator you're willing to split, then jump in. It's not a good sign when the girl runs off to the bathroom just as the bill comes (as one girl did with me on cue!).

Ah the dating games :)

Original poster

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 12:54

amiold · 31/12/2022 12:46

I'd always offer to pay when the bill arrives. If he says no I'll get it just say you don't mind. If he allows you to pay for him then don't see him again. I've never been in a position to half it. If that happened I'd just pay it and put I down to experience that I wouldn't see him again but I'd just pay to avoid awkwardness.

After this take it in turns.

Always done it like this and when it was my turn I would insist with the exclusions of birthdays etc. you would see quite soon if he's taking the piss (ie ordering more than you and lots of drinks on your turn etc)

Thank you, this sounds like a very good approach.

OP posts:

Reene1 · 31/12/2022 12:56

In this day and age it is ok for women to contribute and offer to pay for things at times, and I believe a relationship is a partnership, but I think that if we have this attitude that women should pay there way, men will never understand their role to take care and provide for their partners/wives. Also it could set the precedence for problems in the future.

amiold · 31/12/2022 12:57

@notmumlisa it always worked for me. I think if you don't like someone enough you would pay for their meal it's probably a red flag you're not that in to them. But I think on a first date a man should pay 🤷‍♀️ if he doesn't it sets the bar for going forward... if he pays and you enjoyed the date then you pay next time. If i knew on the first date I wouldn't see them again I think I'd insist on paying or at least my half as I wouldn't have it said it was for a free meal 😂

Dating these days is a minefield.

Good luck x

Greensleevevssnotnose · 31/12/2022 12:58

Reene1 · 31/12/2022 12:56

In this day and age it is ok for women to contribute and offer to pay for things at times, and I believe a relationship is a partnership, but I think that if we have this attitude that women should pay there way, men will never understand their role to take care and provide for their partners/wives. Also it could set the precedence for problems in the future.

Hello I think the 1950s are calling you back. Men have a role to pay and provide? Jeez pay your way lady!

Reene1 · 31/12/2022 13:05

And that's part of the problem with society, not understanding what's being said - let's not loose sight of the discussion.

caravanbuckie · 31/12/2022 13:07

Reene1 · 31/12/2022 12:56

In this day and age it is ok for women to contribute and offer to pay for things at times, and I believe a relationship is a partnership, but I think that if we have this attitude that women should pay there way, men will never understand their role to take care and provide for their partners/wives. Also it could set the precedence for problems in the future.

That's not my husbands role

Reene1 · 31/12/2022 13:09

👍🏽

shivawn · 31/12/2022 15:40

notmumlisa · 31/12/2022 12:41

Got it! Thank you!

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I should add that I was answering what I'd do in a first date/early relationship stages. As long as my husband and I have been in a serious committed relationship we've always shared finances completely.