I feel like leaving my husband

[Mamaslife]

Hi all,

I’m looking for a bit of advice. Sorry, it’s a long one. Hope I make sense as I’m currently crying!

This has ruined Christmas for me.

I’m a sahm, DC is 5.(We have no family or help & I plan to go to work after Christmas) My husband works hard but has got us into a lot of debt my simply ignoring bills, forgetting to pay rent etc. If I bring these matters up he gets defensive and turns it on me. I’ve resorted to having to open his mail, which I know is wrong, but he won’t open letters and puts them away. I recently come into a bit of inheritance, which we are hoping to use as a deposit for get a mortgage with our first home. I opened one letter and it said we were £6000 in rent arrears for months he had missed and covid lockdowns etc from over the years(he’s self employed). I payed the rent arrears from my inheritance and a couple of other bits he had missed. Now I’ve just received a letter saying that we owe £14,000 to universal credits, in the pandemic due to my husband being self employed he wasn’t entitled to any financial help so we had to claim universal credit for the lockdown periods. He was told to keep updating his account when he went back to work, they kept making payments and eventually the became less and stopped. When they stopped, he stopped updating his account. We then received a bill for £14,000 in both our names(The money went into his account). He phoned them and they said it was because he stopped updating his account. The letter we’ve received today says the debt is in both our names and I tried to call but they said it has to be him. I can’t trust that he’ll sort this or call and I’m worried I’ll have to use my inheritance to clear this which makes me feel physically sick. Surly, we don’t owe all of that? I’m cross that he received these payments when he was back at work and spent the money which I had no idea about! He’s is also paying off a piled up tax bill of £12,000. He earns decent money and we don’t qualify for any financial help, he’s a great dad, helps around the house but is awful with his finances! He’s got unpaid car parking tickets that he doesn’t get round to sorting and if I say anything it’s a moan! My husband lives for each day and doesn’t worry about the future! We have to more next year and all of this with effect us being able to rent or buy. My inheritance was from my parents who hoped I’d be able to get a home. I feel such responsibility. I don’t think I can take anymore. If I leave him, which I know sounds dramatic, I won’t be entitled to any financial help as a single mum because of my inheritance, until it’s below the bracket and I wouldn’t be able to afford rent and bills on a teaching assistants salary. Any advice much appreciated? I’m in tears.

You're not making much sense. Is he actually earning anything? If not then you may as well leave and start afresh with only yourself to be not earning anything. How much is the inheritance, is it enough to buy somewhere to live?

Sorry if I’ve not made much sense. Yes, he works. 6 days a week. He had a few months off due to the lockdowns, hence making a universal credit claim for the first time. He works hard and earns good money.
My inheritance is t enough to buy somewhere outright but would be a large deposit.

Oh dear.

Finances aside, do you want to leave or stay?

If you want to stay, could you do the finances for his business as well as the household as a job, to make sure it's done properly and all invoices are sent out if applicable, taxes and bills are paid and the household budget is managed properly?

You could give him an ultimatum that it either works that way, or you leave - plenty of people do administration for their self employed partners and it can also be tax efficient because you can be paid for this work, which could reduce his tax bill by using your tax allowance.

If he spends money that's unaffordable, then he gets an affordable amount of money in an account and that's all he has access to until he can demonstrate financial responsibility.

Or if you've decided that this is it, you'll just have to keep aside as much money as you can and use that to set up by yourself and see if you can manage on your wages, savings, maintenance from him and benefits when you qualify. If you can 't get out of any debts that have been run up in your name, you could try and pay them off using your money, but offer a partial settlement to put a line under it all. But if debts are large or unaffordable, you probably need advice from someone who has the full picture of your incomings and outgoings.

Thank you! That’s really helpful advice :)

If he was earning good money and claiming benefits you weren't entitled to then yes it is going to have to be paid back. he sounds completely useless with money. Are you sure there's nothing else going on like gambling or is it just poor budgeting ? It's time for you to make sure you have access to all the bills, accounts etc to see what's going on and as you say get a job asap to contribute. Places like CAB or stepchange can help sort out the debts if he is willing to seek help.

Another one here saying are you sure he's not gambling or spending money on sex sites etc? How is he frittering literally thousands of pounds without anything to show for it?

No one would blame you for leaving him, he sounds completely irresponsible and untrustworthy. He has landed you well and truly in the shit.

I would seek legal advice about your inheritance, he might be able to claim half if you divorce?

You need to find out where this money has gone. He hasn't paid the rent or bills and has been receiving UC and warning from his job.

You need to see his statements. Gambling addiction sounds likely unfortunately, or maybe conned into some investment.

Are you really sure he's earning good money, or is this just what he's telling you? Could it be that he was earning well but isn't any longer, maybe the pandemic screwed his business? Because if he's 6k in rent arrears, took at least 14k in benefits (that he now owes back) that he can't pay, and has has a 12k tax bill he hasn't paid, he's not rich, he has nothing. These sound like the debts of a man that has no money at all. What has happened? You need to know before deciding whether to use your inheritance on any of this. And you need full transparency, to see bank accounts and money in for yourself, not just to rely on his words or excuses. Because something else is going on here.

As an aside, assuming he has always paid the rent (you say you are a SAHM) I don't see why you shouldn't pay half the rent arrears with your inheritance, you do live in the property after all, if you can afford to pay your half you should do as it appears he is struggling more than he has let on. (This is assuming he is not gambling etc and that paying off the rent arrears would not be throwing money into the abyss)

He sounds like a financial liability to me. I'm not surprised your crying.

He needs to be completely transparent with his finances. Only then will you know if he is a gambler or addict. He might be hopeless at finances and sicking his head in the sand. As his wife you can choose to help deal with both, but he needs to be open to that. If he can't be open with how he got in this mess then it's infuriating and I understand you wanting to leave the sitution.

For what it's worth you made sense to me.

Yes you'll need to pay it back if he wasn't declaring his earnings.

Where is all this money going? Drugs?

I’m sorry you’ve found this out but I have to ask, as an adult why weren’t you also responsible for the household bills? I don’t mean just financially paying them but it seems you have just left your husband to take care of the finances both practically and financially and unfortunately have put yourself in a precarious position by doing so. It’s 2022, surely you had some interest in the household finances beyond just being told your husband would take care of it?

I run our joint account, as I’m the more organised one. Technically it’s in both our names but DHs card is in a drawer somewhere. It works for us - he gives me a chunk of money on payday (about 80% of our joint expenses as he earns more) then he only has to worry about his personal bills, things like his mobile phone, car insurance, and any subscriptions. It’s saved us a lot of stress.
Would your husband be happy for you to do the same?

This is why couples should have a joint account for all wages to be paid into and so both can see all purchases. You need to know where the money has gone and how much has come in.

Do not underestimate how much money you will have if you do buy a place and then leave him to move into it and claim UC to supplement your income - and don’t forget the child maintenance payments he will have to make either. If you do leave him it is of his making imho. Do a calculation on www.entitledto.co.uk to see what would happen if you bought a place.

Your inheritance has been handed to you as a lifeline. There is no reason not to use it to leave him. Either that or you're stuck paying a huge overpayment off and then stuck with the daft twat.