need to stop dh stressing!

[stuckinaruts]

Hi,

So we're in a bit of a pickle...

A couple of years ago we had to address the TERRIBLE financial situation that we were in. At that point, we owed a very high level of debt. I don't want to give the total amount, or go into specifics as to how the debt was accrued, however I will say that it was/is tens of thousands. More than 50K but less than 100K etc etc . Anyway.....

We got our act together, worked out a plan and started budgeting. Thankfully we have a healthy income so we didn't need to seek any debt management etc.

Fast forward to 2022 and we are making great progress. We have committed to paying off £1800 per month from the debt, and we have stuck to this for 18 months. No further debt has been accrued and the balance is dropping month on month. I am ok with that, however every 2-3 months, dh goes into the major debt panic. Now I totally understand him feeling miffed that we are paying such a lot out each month, however for me, we have a workable plan and actually our life if pretty good. I just want to get on with it, keep making the payments, enjoy life and then celebrate when it's all cleared. I don't want big stressy conversations every 6-8 weeks!

Now the thing that makes it even more annoying is that we are doing ok financially in terms of our budget -

Mortgage and bills - £1700
Debts - £1800 - this is what we choose to pay
Food/house stuff - £450
Car costs - £220

Total - 4170

We take home a total of £5743 between us so there is around £1600 'left' over to cover anything else. We have actually been saving a chunk of this and will some more off the debts soon.

My dh acts as though we are literally on the edge of bankruptcy! How can I stop him from being so stressed?

I know you have a lot of debt but the figures show you're actually in a very nice position with a great amount left over after everything is paid
How long left to fully clear everything?
What are his suggestions? No point stressing about it you either carry on as you end and eventually get to the light at the end of the tunnel or what? Pay less and it take even longer to be debt free?
As you suggested I'd be paying ad much as humanly possible to get rid of it ASAP
You'll be in an amazing position once it's all gone

In my experience you can’t we don’t have any debt (apart from mortgage) but my DH is always on the edge of “we’re doomed” when it comes to money. We’ve even massively downsized recently and he still stresses about the mortgage 🤷‍♀️

ask him what his plan is then if he thinks you’re current one isn’t working but ultimately it’s a mind set and his isn’t one where he can’t see that it’s going in the right direction. I’d probably tell him unless he’s got some other workable suggestions that you don’t want to have this big talk every few weeks.

Assuming you can't overpay on the debt (I would guess the payments are fixed and paying off early may come with a hefty penalty) I wonder if DH would feel better if the savings were labelled 'emergency fund', so he knew they were specifically there to avoid some unexpected expense knocking you back into debt again.

With a high five-figure debt to pay off, I'm not surprised your DH is stressed about it, but equally I can understand why you see this something which is under control and now just needs to be plodded through. How many months through the plan are you? You must have put a fairly significant dent in the debt so far, you've thrown 32K at it? Would it help to have a graph showing the debt coming down and the projected end date?

He may be freaking out about the 'what if' factor. What if he lost his job, or you did, or you had to get a new car or something similar. Maybe talk through what you would do in a number of scenarios?

Is your husband the type of person who gets stressed when he has nothing to worry about ? I live with one of those, my husband can stress in an empty room.
Help him learn Gratitude.

Help him be thankful for your health and/ or children's health.
Think about the future when you are debt free, you will have several thousand pounds per month spare.

Look at where that put you in terms of income and wealth of the whole population it possibly puts you in the top 10/15% in terms of income.
Overall he needs to appreciate your fortunate position rather than worry about it.

Hopefully within 2 years it will all be cleared, although my view is that we just carry on and pay the mortgage off, but I will cross that bridge when we come to it!

Yes he is. The thing for me is that I have already done my stressing and worrying. I can't live like that for years on end, not when it's getting sorted

he is the sort of person who worries what other people would think etc. The thing is that nobody else knows our financial situation as it's private, so why worry about that! I just wish that he could see the positives.

The 'what if' question is legitimate I guess as it would impact us if one of us lost our jobs, however I can't live in fear like that. I just like to get on with it and try to enjoy life.

Does he blame himself for the debts?

I don't think so, and if he does then he needn't. It was definitely a joint effort!

Do you have strategies in place to stop both of you ever incurring debts in the future?
Are you both on the same page?
Is he a general worrier, or is it just the debt?
Any other stressors in his life?

Has he had any counseling - if not, do you think he might benefit? Not just re. financial worries, but life in general.

I can't live in fear like that.

Well no-one is saying you have to, but equally if that is what's driving your DH's behaviour, you do need to appreciate that he can't just turn it off like a tap either. Carrying a large, unsecured debt is a risk and people have different risk appetites. There's no magic wand where the debt goes away, but how does living with it whilst it steadily reduces become more manageable for him.