AIBU - dh spends too much

[yorkshirejem]

Good morning.

Need to have a bit of a vent....

We both work full time, earning similar amounts. I would say that we are fairly comfortable but by no means rich/well off. After we have paid all of our bills, essentials and food we are left with about £1700 per month.

I am quite keen to save this money and to be mindful about how we use but dh fritters so much of it away.

I went through our statements over the weekend and the amount of money that he is burning through is alarming. I reckon he is spending about £20 a day on costs, sandwiches, crap from the shop. I spend very little on myself and will rather buy one decent thing every few months

His argument is that we can afford it and that he works hard! I don't begrudge him some money, but this is taking the p**s

what would a reasonable amount of 'spends' be?

You need to both have an amount that you can spend on yourselves, with no questions asked. But before you decide on that amount you need to put aside for all monthly expenses, and savings for Xmas/birthdays/holidays/house and car maintenance etc.
Then he can have money to fritter.

Separate finances in my house

We both lay a certain amount in to cover joint bills every month (me more because I earn more) and then we halve anything for the house or kids.

Anything else left is in our own personal accounts and we have separate savers accounts each.

We don't question what the other spends with their own money and if dh blows thru his too quick (does happen) then tough

I think you need to define "crap from the shop".

I'm pretty sure DH spends £20 a day. I don't see the issue. Coffee en-route to work £3, £7-8 on lunch, he will buy a book a week £25, download a piece of music £12.99, have a pint en-route home twice a week - probably works out at more than £20 a day. notwithstanding the chocolate wrappers I find

I don't see an issue on you both having £450 spends a month and saving £800 into a proper plan. You can save some of your spends if you like.

Agree with the others. You need to make sure all joint costs have been covered.

So including annual and irregular expenses like Christmas, car maintenance and replacement, holidays, white goods replacement, that sort of thing. Also, make sure you're covered if you lose an income.

What you don't want to be is in a position where you have no money when the car fails it's MOT or the washing machine breaks.

After all the above, split what's left 50/50 and if he wants to blow through it on crap, that's his look out. You're free to save yours for fewer, more expensive things.

As PPs, we have a standing order taking out savings as soon as our salaries come through and the rest is split between the two of us for equal spends. I am like your DH, I like to get food at work/from the shop but once I've run through that month's money, I take a packed lunch. And my DH is not a spender, but chooses to get a big ticket item every few months. That way, no resentment.

Why is downloading a piece of music for £12.99 a week?
Why not just use a subscription service for about £10 a month?

Yeah I think you need to meet halfway, I would be annoyed if my DH wanted us to save everything after essentials, that sounds miserable after working all week. Agree on an amount that you're both happy to save.

I think it depends. If you're saving for a house / wedding / child then perhaps he could reign it in but otherwise I wouldn't begrudge £20 day from your savings as there is still a lot left over. You only live once and you can't take it with you when you die.

This is why separate finances work for us - separate accounts, and just equal contribution towards bills.

@WeepingSomnambulist no idea. It was an example. My DH isn’t accountable to me for his "spends". It could as easily have been "servicing his fountain pen" and you could respond "why doesn't he use a biro?"

You need to put x into savings and dish out spending money. You shouldn’t be miserable with you both working but savings would be more beneficial.

It depends, he does seem to be spending more than his share but if it’s only five days a week not, as it would be 400 a month. Out the 1700 it seems reasonable to me.

for me I’d advise you put equal amounts of money into your own accounts for your own spending or saving. So that would be 850 each .

joint accounts never work if one partner tried to oversee the other and control them. As such, split your disposable and don’t control the other

And sorry yes jointly decide what to save a month then split the rest, if you want to save more then you habe your own savings to do with as you please. Demanding it’s all saved is unreasonable, especially if this is coffees, lunches etc.

so if you decide to save 300 a month then you have 700 a month to do with as you each please with no visibility from the other.

I’ve been with my husband for years and this is what we do. I’d be horrified if he said to me anything About how much something cost or what I chose to spend on with my own disposable income. I’m not a child. He is not my parent. And I’d refuse to be controlled like this or given pocket Money from my own salary

We have this same issue. We sorted it by having the same amount of "pocket money" each every month. That's for us to spend on whatever we like, and the other one not to comment on, no matter whether they think it's a waste or not.

It's eliminated so many arguments :)