Looking for some advice on what to prioritise as a youngish, single Mum?

[ButtercreamBaker]

I'm 26 with a 5 year old DC. I've had a very rocky start to adulthood, so I'm only just reaching a point where we're settled in a long term home with a little bit of money going spare.

The problem is that because I've been so poor for so long, it still feels like there's a bit of a mountain to climb in terms of catching up on all those things that I've been putting off for so many years. The house that I'm in is housing association so thankfully I don't need to deal with things like repairs myself, but the decor is pretty run down and bare and it needs some new furniture, which really impacts on my self esteem and stops me from letting anyone visit. I need about £3.5k of dental work doing to remove a tooth and correct my jaw which is causing me health problems and also massively impacts my self esteem. My phone broke a few months ago and now I'm using one that crashes constantly and dies about an hour after being fully charged. I have £0 in savings, my washing machine could do with replacing soon, I'm in about £3k of debt and I desperately need more/better therapy than I can get on the NHS to help me deal with the trauma of my adolescence. I'm sure there's more, but it feels absolutely never ending and that's before I even get to more casual wants like holidays, beauty treatments, gaming consoles, clothes.

I'm grateful that I'm finally in a position where I'm not panicking about how to afford food and energy every month, but I thought that I'd feel a lot more free and secure than I do. All of the things I've listed above are hanging above my head and it feels like I'll never reach a point where I can relax a bit. It doesn't help that I've got OCD, which really exacerbates the panic and the need to have everything dealt with and sorted out immediately.

I feel completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate advice on where to direct my money. I have around £850 a month spare after all my essential bills, car costs and a very basic food shop. I have some money saved up to cover Christmas this year so that isn't an issue. Would I be stupid to put money into the house for a few months rather than direct it straight to debt and savings, or could it be the right decision since an ugly house has such an impact on my emotional wellbeing? And the jaw correction that I need will take 18 months, which starts from the date I get braces so if I put that off for say 6-12 months then it will be 2-2.5 years before it's sorted out.

Is the debt at 0% or are you paying interest? If it's at 0% (or could be moved to 0%) I'd pay that off slowly.

House... rather than all or nothing, I'd spend on something which will make you smile every day. I don't know what that will be for you - I finally bought a sofa big enough for all three of us 18 months ago and it still sparks joy! And so does my £25 standing lamp from IKEA because prior to that I'd only ever used the bulbs hanging from the ceiling so it feels like a little luxury which really transforms how I feel about my home.

I think I'd otherwise prioritise the dental work which sounds really important to you... but its hard to weigh up that against the therapy.

Most of all, hugely well done for getting to this point.

My priorities would be:

1. Pay a regular amount to decrease your debt (if that's not something you are already doing).
2. Build up a savings buffer for emergencies. You could put (say) £500 of next months' disposable into this, or build it up more gradually over several months. Then it's there for things like the washing machine breaking.
3. Do you "need" your phone e.g. for work, or can you live with the current one for a bit longer? If it's a need rather than a want look for a cheap second hand one and basic PAYG package.
4. Put money aside for dental work or therapy whichever you consider the one you'd like to do first.
5. How bad is the furniture? Are you sitting on the floor because you don't have anywhere else, or it is just a bit tired. If the latter, look for cheap solutions to make it look "less ugly" - cushions on charity shops for example.

Write down your plan. Hopefully that will make you feel more in control :)

Firstly flipping well done for getting you and your daughter into such a good position.

Secondly get yourself to the Money Saving Expert forums and get the amazing help of the debt free wannabe board.

Thirdly, prioritise yourself. Therapy/dental. Whichever is more important. You are important. You can't do this without your health so prioritise jt.

Fourthly, look out for second hand things like washing machines. Even ask on Facebook - you never know what people are getting rid of.

Best of luck.

I like @sheepdogdelight 's post. Agree to start paying off the debt and then savings. Then put aside money for dentist / therapy and finally think about furniture and decorating.

What the others have said so far. But see if there's a charity running or training counsellors. I did this twice, both with charities and the therapists were just as good as qualified ones. For when I broke up with someone and also workplace bullying, a bit of CBT with the last one. I was paying about £5/£10 per session which is very good.

Second the suggestion to find a trainee counsellor, the best counselling I ever had was from a trainee, she literally saved my life.

In terms of prioritising your savings goals, I would really recommend an app called Nova. You can put different goals in and when you’d like to achieve them by eg. £800 for a new sofa by the end of the year, money for your dental work by next June abs it works out how much you need to save monthly and tracks your spending for the month abs tells you if you’re spending too much.

If you’re paying interest on the debt, I would sort that first- it will only take a few months if you have £850 a month to throw at it. If it’s interest free you can afford to pay it off more slowly and prioritise whatever would most improve your life- dental treatment would be my instinct but only you know what will help you the most

Thanks all :)

My debt is all interest free. It's mostly pay weekly carpets/blinds from when I first moved in last year as I just didn't have the money to buy them outright, and some old benefits overpayment and budgeting loan debt.

My house is absolutely 100% my top priority. I spend almost all my time here and it's on my mind from the minute I wake up and it keeps me up for hours at night stressing about it. My front room is finished but all the other rooms in the house are just plain white and blank looking and have marks all over from my son, there's hardly any artwork or accessories anywhere, my drawers don't match my desk, some of my curtains are mismatched, DS needs some more storage as he's becoming more artistic and his desk is becoming really cluttered, my front garden is a big mess and I don't have a shed to store bikes or other outdoor toys. I could probably have it done by the end of the year, but I feel really guilty not putting anything into savings. My self worth is very much tied up into how my house looks, and I feel so much shame at the state it's currently in.

The trainee counsellors sound a really great deal, but are they much good with complex cases? I'll definitely look into that in the morning.

I do enjoy the MSE forums and use many of the DFW tips that I've picked up over the years, but I do feel that I'd be met with extreme disapproval over there for wanting to spend money on anything that isn't paying down debt, paying into savings and pensions or overpaying the mortgage😅

I don't feel that bothered about the dental treatment just yet because I need to lose some weight before I have a chance of looking good anyways (13.8st at 5'4), but I know I'd probably be kicking myself if I lost the weight and then had to wait a further 18 months to fix my smile!

The only thing that's bothering me about not having a proper phone is that I can't take any photos of my son and I can't download any apps that I need such as the app to get my Alexa's working again. I'm looking at secondhand phones for around £300 but it's really far down on my list of priorities.

Savings aren't a priority to me at all but I really want them to be. I want to completely change my mindset around what I think I need, but it's so difficult when my mental health is telling me that everything needs to be absolutely perfect right now!

If teeth cause health issues are they covered by nhs contract as functional rather than cosmetic, could you go to a dental teaching hospital ?

Hi OP. If I were you, I would have a look at the cash envelope method. There are a lot of resources on YouTube. I think as your debt is on 0%, you have a bit more of a breather in the short term. You can save for things whilst paying off debt too. Good luck

I would allow yourself a monthly fund for socialising outside of the house so you don’t have to worry about feeling embarrassed about your house. Personally it helped me in traumatic childhood recovery to keep my house for me, my safe space.

Also allow yourself a phone contract at whatever price feels comfortable for you! Having a contract is good for your credit rating and there’s no need to pay a chunk up front for the phone.

It’s okay to use your money for yourself and fun, you don’t always have to do the ‘right’ thing with money.

While you’re figuring out what to do about counselling, there’s lots of free resources online. When you do go for counselling, because of your background I’d recommend finding someone trauma and somatic informed and experienced. CBT can be a good sticking plaster but it doesn’t heal trauma at the root.

Other than that, @sheepdogdelight ’s list is good!

Hi!

Just thinking about the house stuff; could you achieved what you want on a limited budget? I’ve found that some things are worth investing in, but other stuff people get bored and give away perfectly good items for free (or cheap)… so if you pick and choose you could achieve something lovely without spending too much (there are some ‘Conserving Resources Associating People’ Facebook groups - Aka c.r.a.p groups - Which are brilliant. Or freecycle, or charity shops etc.)

With debts… I sometimes choose to buy things on 0% interest because it’s helpfully for my credit rating. So long as the debts are manageable for you don’t worry too much.

Also maybe ask if your employer has anything helpful. At my work we have a budgeting/ethical lender financial company which employees can use, and we have a ‘perks’ discount website (e.g. discounts at loads of shops)…we also offer counselling to employees (to the extent that we have three different providers and we will source specialist counsellors…. And I don’t work for a fancy high paying company, we just care about our people). We’re also looking into dental cover. So maybe the company you work for can offer something.

Sometimes money is less about what you earn and more about how you use it…. Some people can make a little go a long long way, others seem to be able to spend money like it’s going out of fashion.